Well, it’s been on the minds and in the sweaty, chapped-from-manual-stimulation hands of most of this blog’s readers for nearly four days now, so let’s discuss it. The Brawl, what with the Donkeys and the Squirtles. What do we think? Well, since they pay me to, I’ll tell you what I think, and we’ll move forward from there.
There’s a lot of them, so that’s good. They didn’t lose anyone I loved, and it’s a Genesis-boy’s wet dream to see Sonic tearing up Green Hill Zone on a next-gen system. I mean for the love of Prower, why the hell did Sega ever abandon the sure-fire “Sonic moves quickly to the right” scenario?
Some of the newbies are pretty pathetic in my hands (Pokemon trainer, don’t quit your day job at the Evergrande City Starbucks). But as my buddy Steve routinely handing me my ass with the Ice Climbers and Jigglypuff proves, Smash is a game where enough practice can allow you to piss off your friends with nearly any character.
And now, watch me garner the combined hatred of thousands of Internet fanboys with no more than two syllables: Snake? Meh.
Maybe it’s because at my house we play with items turned off (and the loser has to spend the night outside; we’re pretty intense), but fuck Nintendogs. Little motorcycle guys, you’re cool.
As for the rest, let’s not kid ourselves: they’re basically Pokeballs. Which isn’t bad, it’s just surprising that Nintendo found a way to cram even more first-party characters into what is essentially a huge circle jerk. A circle jerk with, you know, fighting and stuff. Like High School gym.
In case you hadn’t gathered, I used a forged doctor’s note to get out of High School gym.
I for one was a huge fan of those old cell-animated Marvel vs. Capcom games where if one (let’s call him “Michael”) were to mash all the buttons and wiggle the stick like it were his prom date Tad, a massive, screen-darkening final attack would materialize. With a few exceptions, the final smashes seem at least as cool as those.
And by a few exceptions, I mean Jigglypuff, who just gets even fatter like when your girlfriend eats her depression away after you tell her she could stand to lose a few, and Peach, who just plain eats her depression away…probably because the only guys she ever gets to sleep with are pudgy service workers and horrible dinosaur men.
I’d actually be really interested in hearing other opinions about this. Nintendo was obviously just as paranoid about it, what with the four controller schemes. I played primarily with the Wiimote+Nunchuck, which worked okay except I felt more compelled to jump with the stick instead of the button, which I hate.
As for the “just plain Wiimote” configuration, I have long held that any controller scheme that asks the user to reach for the minus button (roughly fourteen inches from all other buttons on the controller) should rate a clause in the Geneva Convention.
So what about it, blogosphere? Is this the game that finally highlights what a gimmick the Wii is? Or am I racist? Remember, it’s got to be one or the other.
Didn’t play ‘em. I saw some friends running from a giant stone thing, and Wario shooting arrows at someone, but that’s about it. Honestly, I’m a lot more excited about the possibility of booting up the online multiplayer, finding an eight-year-old Korean boy in a dark virtual alleyway and whaling on him until he cries.
Now if they ever manage to just make that into a game, I’d be set.
How wrong was I? What about? Please, expound. And may I suggest the appellation “fagstronaut?”
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael serves as a subspace emissary for international sketch troupe Those Aren’t Muskets!
This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 12th, 2008 at 8:00 am and is filed under Fagstronaut, Reviews, Super Smash Brothers, Video Games. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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September 22nd, 2009 at 2:22 pm
ness was the best eva but lucas was just a cheap ripoff and ssbb is the only reason i bought a wii
September 22nd, 2009 at 12:41 pm
VintagePS has the greatest and best quote ever. I friggin lol’d.
Also, I didn’t want this article to end ;_; its so old, but still so awesome.
as a bio major, I will now use the term “Pokecology” when talking about pokemans as well. Thank you, Swaim, for heightening my vocabulary to new levels!
June 8th, 2008 at 9:15 am
[...] 12th 2008 1:00pm [-] From: cracked.com [...]
April 29th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
The next fagstronaut that bashes Jigglypuff gets a Dair + Rest combo to the face.
April 16th, 2008 at 11:54 am
Im pissed about Lucas. Can you imagine the game designers sitting around a large table. Suddenly one exclaims ” You remember that character Ness who practically nobody liked?. Well lets make an even shittier version of him.” What a horrible idea for a new character…
Otherwise the gameplay is good and all of the characters I liked were brought back.
March 25th, 2008 at 7:12 am
Holy crap, I’m going to go Olimar all over everybody’s asses once I get the game.
March 23rd, 2008 at 8:25 pm
Hey, what about the level design feature? I tried it, and it’s really not that great.
March 18th, 2008 at 10:55 pm
I guess you are right, but Snake’s helicopter final smash is pretty BA imho. Honestly, I like that he is in the game (apparently Snake was supposed to be in Melee since Kojima begged Nintendo to put him in but production was too far along.), but at the same time…fucking…Nintendo. PS2, kick ass (Being that the PS3 fails at life. I shed a tear for Sony’s former glory :(). Xbox, I can live with that, but the Wii? Smash Brothers Brawl is really the only game on Wii worth playing for anyone over the age of 12. (Well, and Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess, but Zelda games have always kicked ass, so they win by default.) I think you will be just as disappointed as I will be if MGS 4 comes out on the Wii. Also, I think it is every SEGA fanboy’s wet dream (including my own) to see Sonic the mother fuckin’ Hedgehog lay the pimp hand down on that sex starved plumber man.
@ Heretic - you are totally right. You only missed Jigglypuff since Ness and Lucas are pretty much the same character.
March 17th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
This is your self esteem.
This is your self esteem laying in a small, brown stain on the floor by having the unholy bejeezus knocked out of you by someone named “Popo” or “Nana.”
Lucas and Diddy Kong: Worst. Characters. Ever.
March 16th, 2008 at 7:00 pm
Man, i get you man. I get you. I know what you mean, man, about Snake man, yea. I get you man.
Also i love Sonic too man, he’s the man, man. Man, he’s the only reason i got the game man.
March 16th, 2008 at 2:46 am
If there was a Super Disney Bros., I contend that one of the Final Smashes would have to be the entire musical number of Be Our Guest, except all of the various silverware and such is dancing happily onto your face.
And when it’s over you automatically win, because your opponents have become your guests.
March 15th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
DISNEY super smash.
March 14th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
Yo, Swaim. Have you used Snake’s grab atack? It might change your opinion of him…
March 14th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Thank you Pharoah. I know I can always count on you.
March 14th, 2008 at 4:10 am
Well first of all it seems he opened the discussion for 3rd party characters. The problem with the stealth aspect is that it only works single player. Maybe split screen.
March 13th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
Don’t worry Michael, i still think you are a racist
Also, if you’re looking to lure young boys to your house/apartment/church, you could always tell them that if they get in the van, you’ll let them play with your “Wii”
March 13th, 2008 at 10:28 am
I love the Nintendog! Anybody with video games and a puppy remembers the puppy deciding he wants to play too, so he jumps in front of the screen and you all die. But you don’t care, because it’s oh so adorable. It’s just like that, but the puppy’s on the other side of the screen.
My only complaint with the game was a lack of some characters I wanted, like Isaac from Golden Sun. But you can’t get everything you want, right?
March 13th, 2008 at 8:48 am
Wallsy, are you one of those guys that has to have blood for a game to be fun?
March 13th, 2008 at 7:45 am
The thing about the 8-year old Korean boy is that he’d be whaling on you before you know it. That’s how things work over there with video games. It’s in the water.
March 13th, 2008 at 5:05 am
so cool photos..
seems i have seen this on tall dating site~~~~~~Tallmingle.com~~~~~~,may be some one upload it on to that site,it is so famous ,many people talk about it on the forum .
March 13th, 2008 at 4:32 am
I personally love how hilariously odd they make Luigi in this series. If only that carried on into Nintendo’s other games.
March 13th, 2008 at 4:26 am
Wallsy is correct.
March 13th, 2008 at 2:29 am
So, let me get this straight… this game is basically Mortal Kombat, but instead of ninjas and dudes with four arms and stuff, it has lame characters like Mario?
March 13th, 2008 at 2:26 am
When you mention ” 8 year old Korean boy” do you mean Kim Jong Il? Because that would be the only person who has the technology to play online in North Korea. I have no clue about South Korea.
March 13th, 2008 at 12:21 am
They could release a game called “Hey! Look at this picture of Meta-Knight!” And I’d prolly buy it, so you can guess where I stand on brawl.
March 12th, 2008 at 11:36 pm
Are you kidding? The story is epic.
March 12th, 2008 at 10:49 pm
the game is pretty sweet. i like most of the new characters, except olimar, what a useless waste of space. no real complaints, except the online is pretty laggy when it works, the single player is alright, not really worth going through as far as i’ve seen.
March 12th, 2008 at 10:20 pm
I want to call you a racist but i havent played the game, I just feel like i am required to support the wii because its the only “next gen” system i own
March 12th, 2008 at 10:00 pm
The platforming: I hates it. Especially trying to jump onto some stupid ledge with motherfucking Marth and Ike that’s easily reachable with any other character.
Lucas is fantastic. Team battle with Lucas –> spam PK Freeze.
March 12th, 2008 at 9:25 pm
Ah, so survival of the fittest reigns in Pokecology.
Also, Oh my God I DO look like that kid! I hope you’re referring to the main kid as I assume, and not the cancer kid.
March 12th, 2008 at 8:14 pm
Pikachu and the rest have their own slot because they weren’t captured by Pokemon Trainer.
March 12th, 2008 at 8:12 pm
You’re totally being a racist Micheal, Also you look like the adult version of that kid from Thank you for smoking.
March 12th, 2008 at 6:51 pm
Well, why do Jigglypuff and Lucario get their own slots?
March 12th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
Wow, weird choices. Good for you, I suppose.
And why does Pikachu get his own character slot, when Charizard, Ivysaur and Squirtle have to share one? Are they any less deserving of characterization?
March 12th, 2008 at 6:29 pm
I play with the Wii classic controller.
Basically, it’s like playing Brawl on a PS2. As for characters, I fucking love Lucas and Diddy Kong
March 12th, 2008 at 6:27 pm
No console, now gaming problem. Though i think that adding pokemans is stupid move, since pokemons aren’t real characters, just some weird ass monsters with universal ability to fit into small balls for transportation.
March 12th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
You know which character I seem to be the most successful with? Pikachu.
You know which character makes me sad to be alive? Pikachu.
I’m with you on the Pokemon Trainer. He’s pretty weak, and why it goes from Charizard to Ivysaur to Squirtle makes no sense to me. A fanboy might say he hasn’t spent enough time training his other starters, but I don’t know what that means.
Pit is fun to play as well. Zero Suit Samus is hot. There, I said it. It’s true and you all know it. Don’t even try to deny it.
March 12th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
what really sucks is that some Wiis (like the one i have) can’t play Brawl. I have to send the Wii to Nintendo and they modify it so it can read the disc. sigh
March 12th, 2008 at 5:37 pm
I fucking rule with Olimar. I can imagine the anguished faces of those I crush in online play, when they realize that thei beloved Marth/Snake/Ike just got his ass handed to him on a silver platter by motherfucking Olimar
March 12th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
you are kind of wrong about the assist trophies, dont tall me you didn’t like little mac from punch-out beating the shit out of Olimar
March 12th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Assist trophies are awesome solely because one of them is Knuckle Joe. The rest could be detrimental to your character and based on nickolodeon games and he would still hold them afloat ^_^.
March 12th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
I have heard talk that that’s a temporary thing. Right? RIGHT?!
March 12th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
Wiimote and nunchuck are the way to go for this game. The online play is 98% of the fun this game has to offer…the only problem is the random matches only work 1% of the time the other 99% your stuck in the practice room for 2 minutes and then you get disconnected and thrown back to the main menu.
March 12th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Play the online multiplayer for a few hours, which will turn into a few days, and you will understand the obsession.
The single-player is okay, not without its faults like you said– but online multiplayer is not unlike crack and blowjobs.
March 12th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
I think it’s mainly because I was hoping his final smash would be sneaking up behind your enemy and snapping his neck.
In general, I feel like they dropped the ball by making all of his moves weapon-related. I played MGS for the stealth aspects, and some more nods to that would have been nice.
March 12th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
The Wiimote/Nunchuck combo was a little funny to get used to, but it works well after you get used to it. And just “meh” on Snake Swaim? Why? I am a huge Metal Gear fan, but I am not going to give you the chance to tear me up with “ZOMG! U no lik Snake?! WTF?! HE is teh kewlest ever lol!!!1! U Suck!”. I just happen to like him in the game and think he’s an extremely powerful character and I’m curious as to why you don’t particularly care for him in game.
March 12th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
Let me just say that I’m loving all of the mid-air combat this time around. I spent a good portion of my time in Melee jumping around with Sheik hitting my friends out of the air, spamming Fox’s Up-B, and basically just being a giant flying douche. Needless to say, Metaknight and Pit are my goto guys.
March 12th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
He can shoot Jigglypuff in the goddamn face with a rocket launcher. That makes me weep tears of joy every time I see it. It’s like fucking art, it’s so beautiful.
March 12th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
What makes him important? I mean, are you talking licensing-wise, or his moveset? Like, convince me he is awesome.
March 12th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Listen you fagstronaut(cosmofag in Russia) Snake is the most important character in this game. Also I enjoy items on. That is all.
March 12th, 2008 at 11:59 am
I don’t get this game. I mean, I literally have no clue what’s going on in it…a friend of mine got it on gamecube when it came out, and we spent hours playing and reading the manual and we still had no clue what the point was. It’s massively popular, though, so obviously i’m one of the few that is underwhelmed by this game.
March 12th, 2008 at 11:48 am
Better agent than you?
March 12th, 2008 at 11:13 am
No idea. Although I think a more pressing question is why the tag list is now longer than the blog itself.
March 12th, 2008 at 10:55 am
Well let me know and BTW has Cracked changed the comments time stamp to central time or has nobody in New Delhi told y’all how to spring forward yet?
March 12th, 2008 at 10:53 am
That second picture must be from the puppy-fighting mode. Man, I love punching young dogs!
Hey Swaimo, you should recommend to the other Cracked guys that the next Photoshop contest should be to create the additional characters for the game that were dropped… like Fagstronaut, Gigglychub, and Staff Sgt. Max Fucking Fightmaster.
March 12th, 2008 at 10:51 am
I will call you a fagstronaut if you put me in the Round-up, Swaim.
March 12th, 2008 at 10:36 am
Fagstronaut.
Jigglypuff: a boring and extremely gay choice for the new millennium.
March 12th, 2008 at 10:35 am
I haven’t played all the events yet….
March 12th, 2008 at 9:56 am
If there is not a machete fight for a cheeseburger I’m not interested.
March 12th, 2008 at 9:39 am
@Max: I think you’re forgetting Olimar.
March 12th, 2008 at 9:25 am
right there, in the first paragraph… my most hated bit of current meaningless buzz-jargon; “move forward”. Or any of its derivatives; “moving forward”, “going forward”, etc. Seriously, *every* *single* article or debate or speech seems to include this phrase these days. Apparently it suggests progress and positive development… still, it’s being gang-raped by business, sports, news… any area where people have to give statements. I hope you included it ironically!
March 12th, 2008 at 8:49 am
While I love the game, I can’t help but feel it would be improved by the addition of a character called ‘Fagstronaut’. I’m intrigued as to what the fag-to-astronaut ratio would be like in regards to his characteristics and moves. Maybe he would wear a space suit, but it would be bright pink and he could wear a trucker cap… The possibilities are endless!
March 12th, 2008 at 8:41 am
The Subspace Emissary was good for the cutscenes, and the ease to unlock all the characters. I have a full roster now, and am enjoying it, immensely!
@Tolneir: I haven’t tried any other way, either. I don’t plan to. No reason to mess with the original controls.
March 12th, 2008 at 8:19 am
I haven’t tried any of the controls besides the Gamecube controller setup, which works just as well in Brawl as it did in Melee.