In the spirit of Happiness Week here on Cracked, I decided to put my unhealthy affection for stupid videos to work and bring you some of the best, most underviewed and underrated videos hiding on YouTube. If you have a day that absolutely needs to be wasted, you can check out parts one and two here and here. And if your life is constantly weathering the crushing, icy grip of depression, you can find many more right here on our forums.
I am convinced that Simone Rovellini is the greatest man who has ever picked up an editing hammer. Or whatever it is that people use to modify videos. A few of his YouTube videos have broken a million views, but the "Exploding Actress" series definitely needs to be seen by more people. And by "more people," I mean "everyone who has ever lived or will ever live."
The idea is simple, but the execution is not. He takes clips from famous movies and picks the absolutely perfect moment for the actress's head to explode. And then he makes it explode right off of her goddamn neck. He explodes Jennifer Grey in Dirty Dancing ...
... Meg Ryan in her famous "orgasm" scene from When Harry Met Sally ...
... and even Julia Roberts in that one movie about whores and love.
The exploding heads by themselves are pretty funny, but it's the reactions of the people around them that really push it over the edge for me. In the original dance scene from Dirty Dancing, the father angrily gets out of his chair because there's no way he's going to let that filthy dancing asshole touch his daughter, and he's about to start some street shit. But add in the head explosion ...
... and suddenly, his expression reads, "Nobody makes my daughter's head explode, bucko!"
I could easily watch these until the end of time, and there is no reason why Simone couldn't make all the money in the entire world doing these videos.
This is one of those videos that starts out just kind of chuckleworthy -- funny but nothing special. It's a novelty singing fish that you can find at any random hunting store or Cracker Barrel, and as it sings, the voice periodically slows down under what appears to be failing batteries or a bad audio device.
But watch it all the way through and you will wake up from a devil-induced blackout, holding a pair of fabric scissors and questioning the validity of ears.
It sings the early 1960s hit "Do Wah Diddy Diddy," and while the fish stays flat and stationary, nothing appears to be wrong. Well, besides the fact that it's a plastic mounted trout that's singing a cheesy '60s pop song. But as it sings, it's also programmed to flop around. And that flopping motion is what causes the vocals to slow to a crawl ... and then belt out the longest, darkest, most evil sound ripped directly from the impacted bowels of hell.
And let's face it, if demons do exist, they will come exactly in this form.
But like most of these videos, there's a kicker. It only sings the famous "do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do" part when it goes back to a resting position. So at the 22-second mark, the fish starts vomiting souls and going full-on Linda Blair for 12 full seconds ... then cheerfully returns to the bouncy, bubblegum pop song. The abrupt non-transition plus the contrast of demon versus innocent goody-two-shoes singing is the most jarring thing ever, and if I see this video a hundred times, I will laugh every damn time.
Oh, as long as we're on the subject of fish and music ...
It's a goldfish lip syncing to Busta Rhymes' extremely fast rap part in Chris "I'm a Fuckhead Piece of Rotting Cock" Brown's song "Look at Me Now." I honestly wish I was a talented enough writer to say something that would make this video funnier, but alas, I am not. It's exactly what it should be in length, style, and content, and it doesn't try to be anything more. And for that, we thank you, person who looked at a goldfish and immediately thought, "This needs some Busta Rhymes."
My biggest love in video games is making the stupidest character possible, and after watching hehu42's video, I realized I still have much room for improvement.
He's playing WWE '12, which gives you a pretty healthy amount of room for character creation, including the ability to assign nicknames that the announcer will call out during your intro. In this case, that name is "Ultimate Crack Smoking Warlock." And that's exactly what comes out of the curtains.
If that was all there was to it, it wouldn't be in this article. Even if you choose to ignore the fact that there's smoke billowing out of his staff (which is obviously a warlock's version of a crack pipe) and more smoke coming out of his face (because Ultimate Crack Smoking Warlock always exhales crack smoke), when you see this thing walk, all the planets align in an astral, ethereal, crack smoking harmony.
Now, I understand that people who smoke crack don't actually walk around like that, but YOU WILL NOT DENY ME THIS PLEASURE! From now on, in my head, that is how all crackheads walk. Especially if they're warlocks.
And as long as we're on the subject of video games, we might as well get this out of the way ...
A car shaped like a piano would be pretty funny. A guy driving around an actual piano would be even funnier. A guy driving around a piano, ramming into taxis and police cars, while simultaneously shooting a handgun and playing Vanessa Carlton's "A Thousand Miles," is perfect. If this video was 10 hours long, I would watch every goddamn second of it. Work would have to contact me by clairvoyance because I would shut off my phone and all messaging programs until it was done.
And then I'd start it over and find some suitable alternative for sleep.