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9 Things (You Think) Your Beer Says About You

Author's note: I'm still on vacation this week, and wrote this before I left. If all goes according to plan, I'll be somewhere in San Francisco when this goes up - probably drinking beer in the Google parking lot with a pair of binoculars and an angry girlfriend.

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A while back I posted 15 reasons why Canada is better than your country, a thoughtful and well researched article that enumerated 15 reasons why Canada is better than your country (I titled the article exceedingly well.) The comments section broke out into the usual sort of ass-grabbery we tend to get around here, with one interesting twist. Although I didn't specifically mention alcoholic drinks or even whiskey-flavored gasoline, several of the commenters seized upon the fervent nationalism in the air and loudly claimed that Canadian beer is better than American beer.

I've heard this claim before, the basis of it seeming to be the fact that the beer most commonly associated with America, Budweiser, is so universally loathed. The fact that the beer most commonly associated with Canada, Molson Canadian, tastes exactly the fucking same as Budweiser, was evidently not relevant to the discussion. I'm totally serious. You could do a blind taste test of those two beers and the only thing you'd get out of it would be a slightly elevated interest in girls wearing denim jackets.

I don't know why people love ragging on other people's beers. You never see people this jumpy about wine coolers. But I do know how to capitalize on a trend. Here at Cracked, we take a certain pride in our ability to mock other people for many diverse reasons, ranging from their religious views to their lame superpowers. And we want to help you, the reader. Below is a simple list of arguments you can bring up when drinking at the bar, on the beach or in the sauna, which will help you prove conclusively why the beer you're drinking makes your genitals ten times larger than the other guy (or girl.)

If you drink... Budweiser:Reason your beer is better than that asshole's:

Because you're an honest hard working American, who wants an honest hard-working American beer. Is my beer really better than that asshole's?

Have you ever tried another beer? Budweiser isn't better than some things that leak out of trauma patients.

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If you drink... Coors LightReason your beer is better than that asshole's:

Your want a beer that tastes like a mountain. This beer also regularly claims to be "cold" tasting. Is my beer really better than that asshole's?

Of course it does. What kind of idiot likes to drink warm beer? Your beer is cold. You've got science on your side.

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If you drink... HeinekenReason your beer is better than that asshole's:

Your beer is so exotic, it comes from Europe. You don't know where in Europe specifically, but it's definitely not from around here. Is my beer really better than that asshole's?

Not likely. Heineken isn't much different than every other lager on the market. And it's everywhere - these days, a Heineken is a little less exotic than the McRib.

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If you drink... TequizaReason your beer is better than that asshole's:

Your beer has the refreshing taste of tequila and salt. Your beer is itself already pretty wasted, but is getting a second wind. Is my beer really better than that asshole's?

Oh good gravy, no. But this is probably the only beer in the world that tastes better when drunk in the shower.

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If you drink... GuinnessReason your beer is better than that asshole's:

Your beer comes from pretty far away, and is the drink of choice for many of the top professional alcoholics.Is my beer really better than that asshole's?

There's better stouts out there, but this is a solid all round choice, and apparently a mandatory one if you aspire to be an Irish novelist.

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If you drink... CoronaReason your beer is better than that asshole's:

Your beer tastes refreshing when drunk in the bright sunshine. Is my beer really better than that asshole's?

Almost everything taste refreshing when drunk in the sunshine, and many of those things actually taste like beer as well. Consequently, Corona is undeniably a better beer than milk, but not much else.

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If you drink... Sierra Nevada Pale AleReason your beer is better than that asshole's:

Your beer was brewed by serious west coast beer drinkers, who probably have serious west coast beards. Bearded men are generally tiresome to spend much time around, but when they develop an interest in something, they tend to do it pretty well. Is my beer really better than that asshole's?

Pretty good chance, but you'll look like a dick if you bring it up, and may get mocked for your elitism and the snobbish way you wear that cravat.

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If you drink... Pabst Blue RibbonReason your beer is better than that asshole's:

Your beer is dirt-cheap, and is the favored drink of hardened Midwestern alcoholics, and young men who think hardened Midwestern alcoholism is "hilarious." Is my beer really better than that asshole's?

No, but you weren't buying it for the taste, were you?

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If you drink... Cantillon Blbr LambikReason your beer is better than that asshole's:

Your beer has papers. Your beer has a pedigree. Your beer has a healthy coat, strong teeth and spectacular hindquarters. Your beer will stud for a nominal fee. Is my beer really better than that asshole's?

Sure, but it's not something you can drink twenty of while sitting in a lawn chair half submerged in a children's wading pool, is it?

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