9 Things (You Think) Your Beer Says About You
Author's note: I'm still on vacation this week, and wrote this before I left. If all goes according to plan, I'll be somewhere in San Francisco when this goes up - probably drinking beer in the Google parking lot with a pair of binoculars and an angry girlfriend.
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A while back I posted 15 reasons why Canada is better than your country, a thoughtful and well researched article that enumerated 15 reasons why Canada is better than your country (I titled the article exceedingly well.) The comments section broke out into the usual sort of ass-grabbery we tend to get around here, with one interesting twist. Although I didn't specifically mention alcoholic drinks or even whiskey-flavored gasoline, several of the commenters seized upon the fervent nationalism in the air and loudly claimed that Canadian beer is better than American beer.
I've heard this claim before, the basis of it seeming to be the fact that the beer most commonly associated with America, Budweiser, is so universally loathed. The fact that the beer most commonly associated with Canada, Molson Canadian, tastes exactly the fucking same as Budweiser, was evidently not relevant to the discussion. I'm totally serious. You could do a blind taste test of those two beers and the only thing you'd get out of it would be a slightly elevated interest in girls wearing denim jackets.
I don't know why people love ragging on other people's beers. You never see people this jumpy about wine coolers. But I do know how to capitalize on a trend. Here at Cracked, we take a certain pride in our ability to mock other people for many diverse reasons, ranging from their religious views to their lame superpowers. And we want to help you, the reader. Below is a simple list of arguments you can bring up when drinking at the bar, on the beach or in the sauna, which will help you prove conclusively why the beer you're drinking makes your genitals ten times larger than the other guy (or girl.)
If you drink... Budweiser:Reason your beer is better than that asshole's:
Because you're an honest hard working American, who wants an honest hard-working American beer. Is my beer really better than that asshole's?
Have you ever tried another beer? Budweiser isn't better than some things that leak out of trauma patients.
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If you drink... Coors LightReason your beer is better than that asshole's:
Your want a beer that tastes like a mountain. This beer also regularly claims to be "cold" tasting. Is my beer really better than that asshole's?
Of course it does. What kind of idiot likes to drink warm beer? Your beer is cold. You've got science on your side.
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If you drink... HeinekenReason your beer is better than that asshole's:
Your beer is so exotic, it comes from Europe. You don't know where in Europe specifically, but it's definitely not from around here. Is my beer really better than that asshole's?
Not likely. Heineken isn't much different than every other lager on the market. And it's everywhere - these days, a Heineken is a little less exotic than the McRib.
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If you drink... TequizaReason your beer is better than that asshole's:
Your beer has the refreshing taste of tequila and salt. Your beer is itself already pretty wasted, but is getting a second wind. Is my beer really better than that asshole's?
Oh good gravy, no. But this is probably the only beer in the world that tastes better when drunk in the shower.
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If you drink... GuinnessReason your beer is better than that asshole's:
Your beer comes from pretty far away, and is the drink of choice for many of the top professional alcoholics.Is my beer really better than that asshole's?
There's better stouts out there, but this is a solid all round choice, and apparently a mandatory one if you aspire to be an Irish novelist.
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If you drink... CoronaReason your beer is better than that asshole's:
Your beer tastes refreshing when drunk in the bright sunshine. Is my beer really better than that asshole's?
Almost everything taste refreshing when drunk in the sunshine, and many of those things actually taste like beer as well. Consequently, Corona is undeniably a better beer than milk, but not much else.
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If you drink... Sierra Nevada Pale AleReason your beer is better than that asshole's:
Your beer was brewed by serious west coast beer drinkers, who probably have serious west coast beards. Bearded men are generally tiresome to spend much time around, but when they develop an interest in something, they tend to do it pretty well. Is my beer really better than that asshole's?
Pretty good chance, but you'll look like a dick if you bring it up, and may get mocked for your elitism and the snobbish way you wear that cravat.
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If you drink... Pabst Blue RibbonReason your beer is better than that asshole's:
Your beer is dirt-cheap, and is the favored drink of hardened Midwestern alcoholics, and young men who think hardened Midwestern alcoholism is "hilarious." Is my beer really better than that asshole's?
No, but you weren't buying it for the taste, were you?
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If you drink... Cantillon Blbr LambikReason your beer is better than that asshole's:
Your beer has papers. Your beer has a pedigree. Your beer has a healthy coat, strong teeth and spectacular hindquarters. Your beer will stud for a nominal fee. Is my beer really better than that asshole's?
Sure, but it's not something you can drink twenty of while sitting in a lawn chair half submerged in a children's wading pool, is it?
Guinness (if I want taste and rapid inebriation), Bass (if I'm at a party and just want to get drunk) Carlsberg (I like the taste) or Efes (if I want to get drunk at a moderate pace). Coors is okay when there's nothing else left and Buddweiser can go f**k itself
ReplyDUFF AND HOMER RULE!!!
ReplyLeinenkugel's. Decent midwest brew. But I'm pretty sure Americans can't argue their beer is better than anyone else's.
Replyred stripe horay beer
ReplyLandshark! Because the bottle f**king rules, that's why.
ReplyVelkopopovický Kozel. Pilsner Urquell. You can't go wrong with Czech beer.
ReplyWatney`s Red Barrel, Anchor Steam and Newcastle Dark Ale are all very tasty, plus a few "Newkys" and you`ll have hell standing up from the barstool. But you won`t mind. XD
ReplyBudweiser uses rice as one of the grains to extend the other more-expensive ones, I s**t you not. Google it, it`s why it has that Godawful whang.
Replythen why is sake so good
In Seattle, Bud is definitely not the "King of Beers", it's more like "The King's squier's retarded brother's spunk-bucket that nobody ever buys of beers". Seriously, go to any bar, anywhere in town and there will be a chorus line of micros on tap and a lonely bud or coors tap on the end that nobody ever buys. My personal fave, of all time is Fat Tire (from Ft Collins, CO)
ReplyYuengling beats all listed.
ReplyDamn right!
I live in the town that Sierra Nevada originated from and brewed in. It's nice to see that a local brand has become so popular and still makes damn fine beer, not water with hops in it.
ReplyWhat about Sauza, Tecate, and Newcastle? No mention anywhere of those.
Replythere is a s**tton of different beer companies did you expect them to mention everyone of them
I'm Canadian, and I drink Busch for the most part. I'm not fussy about beer - I'll drink virtually anything, with a few exceptions. For example, I absolutely hate Corona and Blue.
Replymy $10 4litre goonbag says im poor but im to drunk to give a sh*t.
ReplyI've been adamant about trying different beers when I can, and I've recently been drinking beer from a company called "Rogue", out of Oregon... I'm not going to be so presumptuous as to say it's the BEST, but it's pretty damn good.
ReplyI've had some of their stuff. Not Bad at All...
Back in my college days I spent countless hours drinking (pedestrian, so no hours driving) and any hours i wasnt totally plastered, i was in class (read: hungover).
ReplyWanting to combine Booze and school further, I and two classmates did a simple research study over the course of a semester.
I won't go into the details, but the gist of it is that we studied 150 students, from no less than 5 different countries, both genders, and no less than 12 ethnic/culturally distinct backgrounds. Pretty much what we figured out was that (98.7% of the time) after 5 beers you no longer taste the difference in a blind-taste-test setting (within the same category of beer -ie: Reds, stouts, lights etc.)
People who get trashed on high end beers are literally pissing their money away.
To me, high end/craft beers are for evenings out/ dinners. But if i want to get DRUNK? Pass my a cold can of THE BEAST.
You'd probably get similar results with wine; after a few glasses I stop noticing any subtle differences between the different varieties (including whether the wine is white or red, if you've really had too much). More specifically you no longer notice taste the difference in your beer/wine but instead everything just tastes f**king amazing and makes you feel great.
And kids, if your objective is to get piss drunk start with the good s**t and switch to bad s**t after you've had a few.
Besides a bunch of homebrews my dad makes...my favourite beer I remember off hand (I'm not much of a connosieur, I'm a 17 year old drug fiend, I drink what'll get me drunk) is Narragansett...
ReplyThe truth is, Arrogant Bastard beer outshines them all. What does it say about me? That with a 7% alcohol per volume content, I like to get drunk more efficiently then the rest of you all...
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesTry Victory Ale Golden Monkey. Stronger (I think 10%) and in my opinion better.
Sink the Bismark, a staggering 41% alcohol beer. Yes, my beer is stronger than your whiskey.
Sink the Bismark is as much "your" beer as Cuban cigars are "my" cigarette
what about high gravity isnt is stronger the natural ice?
Replyi dont drink not becuese im 14 i just dislike it im a pothead though.
Replynot to be rude, but is there a thread that you don't mention this?
Marijuana is safer...I love both though. And both together.