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9 Things You Can Eat When You're Hungry and at a Porn Store

#4. Cherry Edible Panties

I have known of the existence of edible underwear for years. I can't even recall where or how I came to know that they exist. I'd never seen them in person before now, but it's just one of those things you pick up somewhere. I was kind of excited for this one.

As you can see, the product in the box was underwhelming. That's a paper-thin plastic sleeve with a red square. It had pretty much no mass at all. Open it up and look what you get.

I guess panties are designed for a few purposes that take either form or function into account. Sexy panties are all about form. Granny panties are about function. So too are edible panties, because this looked like someone cut a jock strap out of a red garbage bag. It felt as flimsy as Saran Wrap and looked like maybe the sort of thing you'd get in a Third World country to protect your dignity in an outdoor hospital.

The curious thing about edible panties is that they not only look like a red garbage bag, but also taste like one, lightly dusted with actual dust. This feels exactly like plastic in your mouth, except, after a solid 30 seconds of reluctant chewing, it begins to melt. And it may have been cherry flavored, but the texture was unpleasant enough to ensure that I wasn't going to actually ingest the thing.

#3. Candy Bra

Remember candy necklaces from when you were a kid? That's what this is. Just a giant mass of candy arranged into a bra shape, which appeared to be an A cup. Hey, ladies, who wants to have their boobs squished by some dusty, stale candy? Because I've got something in a drawer here for you.

The candy itself was, as I said, stale and a little dusty, I assume because it's produced in some kind of Eastern European sweatshop under the watchful eye of a sweaty compulsive masturbator who wears short-sleeve shirts with ties all the time. I ate two of the candy circles, then noticed that a number of the candy pieces appeared to have had some kind of liquid sprayed on them in the past and then dried off, leaving little spots everywhere. I refused to speculate about what caused this.

#2. Peter Licker Banana Oral Sex Gel

I guess this product is for ladies, but of course anyone who wants to put a gel-coated penis in their mouth is sure to hate it. If you ever had a fluoride treatment at the dentist, you know what this experience is like, minus the little tray that affixes it to your teeth.

There's something curious about the taste of artificial banana I've never understood. Go ahead and eat a banana and then some artificial banana, and the first thing you'll notice is how artificial banana literally tastes nothing like a real banana. Despite this, we all know artificial banana is supposed to be banana, maybe only because the label tells us so. But for real, it tastes nothing like a banana at all. It tastes like yellow disappointment.

#1. Dicklicks Pecker Shaped Gum

I think bubblegum was accidentally invented by cavemen, and the formula has been pretty stable since then. Despite that, this gum was jacked beyond belief. The key to any gum, regardless of flavor, is the actual gum-like quality of the gum. It should be gummy. This stuff, despite being shaped like tiny wangs (and being exceptionally hard to get out of the container, by the way), fell apart like the contents of the Ark when exposed to air. A couple of chews and my mouth was coated in chalky, sort of minty spit-mud.

The filth purveyors had messed up the formula for gum. Oh, for shame.

Weenie Linguine: Revisited

When my pasta had reached a nice al dente, I drained the water and popped those floppy little boners into a bowl with some cheese. All things being equal, it was a pretty decent lunch. Compared to shots of blueberry cheesecake lube, it was pretty much fine dining.

After-Dinner Thoughts

Sex and food arguably go well together, or at least we want to believe that. And there are some sexy-time foods out there like whipped cream and butternut squash, but one thing is tragically apparent, and that is that not all sex can or will taste like the dessert table at a buffet. And maybe it doesn't need to. Maybe your sex life would be better without glycerin-based artificial fruits and plastic underpants that melt into your cracks and crevices. Maybe you can just share a bowl of dick pasta with a special friend and then bump uglies the way people did in days of yore without having to get a yeast infection and vomit in your hair.

Anyway, I still have this dusty candy bra, if anyone's down.

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Felix Clay

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