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9 Things You Can Eat When You're Hungry and at a Porn Store

Not so long ago, I fed myself from a Canadian dollar store, and while that was all fine and good, the fact is that dollar stores do sell food, so at the end of the day, while depressing, it wasn't as insane as I wanted it to be. I wanted a Bear Grylls experience of the modern wilds. I wanted to survive in a place no man has any business surviving in. Canada wasn't the answer. Porn was.

You may or may not be aware of this, but porn stores offer a wide array of products for the discerning pervert. Sure, there are DVDs and even VHS tapes of people putting their floppy parts in other peoples' squishy parts, but there are also rubber dongs, furry handcuffs, wooden spanking tools, plastic women, and curious edibles. Porn stores sell food. Sort of.

Could you make a meal of the things you found in a porn store? Would you want to? Is anything even remotely worth eating? These questions needed answers. I'm your huckleberry.

There are far more things at an adult novelty store that are meant to be ingested than I would have guessed. I actually had to limit myself on some products just to keep the list from getting too out of hand, and also because I didn't want to waste too much money on this. I opted for what I felt was a balanced amount of products that offered both variety and hilarity. And, as it would later turn out, stomach-turning vileness.

#9. Grape Soda and Green Apple Fizz Lube

These little guys were about $1 each, so I figured it couldn't hurt to try what I assumed to be the worst flavors available. I'm all for novelty, but keep in mind that just about everything here is meant to be served on a crotch. When crotch is your plate, your palate needs to be refined ever so slightly.

For the purposes of this experiment, I was of course not eating off of crotch, as I couldn't bend that far and didn't have the cojones to ask for a volunteer to help me. Plus, and this is key, you don't want to eat most of these things, so had I actually had a partner, things would have turned out poorly for all of us.

Easing myself into the experiment, I popped out the green apple lube and squirted a blast into my mouth. It tasted like someone had melted down a sour apple Jolly Rancher and mixed it with mineral oil. The flavor was intense and entirely unwanted. Who wants sour apple groin in their face anyway? Should sour be the go-to flavor for anything during sex?

The grape soda flavor lived up to its name entirely too well. It tasted like grape Kool-Aid, which, again, is not something I'm ready to associate with sexy times. I associate Kool-Aid with being 6 and stupid and in need of something to drink because water is boring. Now I will also have in the back of my mind the fear that someone is walking around with grape balls.

#8. Weenie Linguine Penis Pasta

Aside from being clearly hilarious, the penis pasta looked like it might be the most mundane item of the bunch. At the end of the day, it's no different from macaroni, really. Even pornographers couldn't fuck up pasta. At least I hoped not. I put a pot on to boil while I returned to my table of offensiveness.

#7. Chocolate Body Paint

This stuff came in a small glass jar with its own foam spear. Why a foam spear? I assume it's like a paintbrush for doodling dicks and dinosaurs on your partner, but they felt this would be better than something with bristles. I jammed it into the tiny opening and pulled out a sticky, brown solution. It tasted a lot like store brand chocolate syrup, a whole lot of ungodly sweetness riding on a chocolate wave. There's a lot of sugar in this stuff, and it's vaguely gritty and slimy. I don't want to keep licking it off my foam spear. It shall join the lube.

#6. Blueberry Cheesecake Lube

I have to confess, there was a reason for picking this particular flavor of lube. The company that makes it has a damn near endless chain of flavors; there must have been three dozen or more to choose from. I chose blueberry cheesecake because I literally couldn't think of a more disgusting flavor to include in sex. Is "cheese" a word you even want in the room when you have sex? Cheese? You want some cheese dick, do ya? Fuck no.

Cheesecake is not a sex food, and don't let anyone tell you different. If you need to fuck some dessert, grab a pie. Hell, use ice cream if dairy needs to be involved. But never cheesecake. That's gross.

Anyway, the bottle of cheesecake lube was pretty big, so I figured why not go for the gold and just take a shot. You would never consume this much lube in one sitting, probably, but then again, who am I to dictate what you do with your mouth during an intimate and well-lubricated moment with a friend?

A fun fact I learned during this portion of my experiment is why you don't do shots of blueberry cheesecake lube. You don't do it because blueberry cheesecake lube is one of the most revolting substances ever granted unpleasant viscosity by man. I felt like I was sucking the life force from the gelatinous eyeball of an Oompa Loompa as the vaguely sweet and entirely too sour melange of fake fruit with a pungent cheese kicker sharted its way into my very being like a sensory juggernaut keen on making me regret every stupid idea I have for articles.

It was as though I was trapped in a Valvoline commercial directed by Satan where the oil coats the inside of an engine during a diagram, only this time it was coating my esophagus and lungs and guts with a thick, sloppy layer of wretchedness. What beast could even maintain an erection with this taste in the room? This was not a flavor to enhance sex; this was a sensory abuse to accompany waterboarding.

Long story short, I vomited.

#5. Tropical Flavored Condoms Three-Pack

After a lengthy break and a few glasses of water, I was ready to return to work. The three-pack of condoms was my next destination, and let me start by saying that "tropical fruit" has a distinct meaning. When you say "tropical," it's not an implication that you are referencing the tropics; it's a direct claim. "Tropical" means something in the neighborhood of the equator. Tropical fruits are therefore things like bananas and pineapples. This shitty box of condoms was strawberry, apple, and banana flavored.

I tried the apple, since I already had a frame of reference for apple from that terrible lube earlier. If you're wondering how one taste tests a condom, let me assure you I did what you think I did. I popped that son of a bitch in my mouth like a piece of gum and chewed on it. I'm not ashamed. I should be, but I'm not.

Flavored condoms have less flavor than a Chiclet. For 10 seconds I had the very vague sense of fake apple candy, and then I was just chewing on a green condom, tasting my own spit and sense of loss. If this was all I was going to get, I was in no hurry to try the other two flavors. I spat that condom out and moved on.

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Felix Clay

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