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9 Supposed Action Stars Who Clearly Couldn't Fight

#4. Cuneyt Arkin

Of the 300 Turkish movies Cuneyt Arkin has starred in, 400 of them are about jump kicks. No one on the planet has spent more time filming themselves do karate. Turkish scientists use Cuneyt's spectacular kicks to calibrate their earthquake warning systems, a complicated array of seasoned goat meats suspended in milk. With his unprecedented level of karate experience, his fight scenes should be breathtaking displays of precision, but they are nuttier than a Turkish seismologist in a room full of uncalibrated goat meat.

Really take in the vision that is Cuneyt Arkin. Does a man that handsome look like he could harm someone? His hands and feet were put on this Earth not to hurt us but to pull us closer for his moist kiss. This becomes very clear once you start watching him fight. He is so gentle to his co-stars that most of his films are sold as erotic massage videos. By the time you finish a Turkish action movie, you'll have seen Cuneyt Arkin delicately finger at least one ninja to orgasm. And there's no way to fix things like that in post. Turkish film editing is an imprecise process that involves placing the original camera negative under wizards while they sleep and hoping they dream about good harvests.

A lot of kung fu films use wire effects to make it look like the performers can fly or jump high. In Turkey, they have a much radder process. They push all their trampolines together, point the camera up and go fucking crazy. They trampoline around in every movie regardless of its relevance. Courtroom dramas, romantic comedies, bathroom security camera footage ... it's not even legal to film a wedding in Turkey unless the bride is doing a front flip. Seriously, clear your schedule for six minutes and watch this scene from Death Warrior:

#3. Pam Grier

Like most blaxploitation stars, Pam Grier seemed like the baddest, meanest person alive right up until the moment she threw a punch. After that, it turned into a temper tantrum of half-remembered karate moves. Her fight scenes would be almost indescribable if my language didn't have the word "boner."

#2. Rudy Ray Moore

When I was compiling this list of the worst fighters in film and television, I didn't intend to be making fun of so many legendary African-American entertainers. Because if that were my thesis, I would have certainly included this.

The best thing about Rudy Ray Moore movies is that it's never clear when he knows he's being awesome. He's hilarious when he's being funny, maybe even more hilarious when he's being tough, and the line between those two states is constantly blurred. I'll show you what I mean. Here's a scene from the first Dolemite, and I think you'll agree with me that every line, punch and kick is delivered in both the funniest and most badass way possible:

When he made the sequel, Dolemite 2: The Human Tornado, he made a full-on kung fu feature despite never having taken a single kung fu class. He had a theory that there were only three elements to every kung fu fight: waving your hands around, pressing fast forward and replacing all the audio with zoo animal sounds. He wasn't right, but holy shit, maybe he was:

#1. William Shatner

You knew the whole time there was no other choice for the top spot. Bill Shatner invented entirely new ways to look ridiculous while punching, and he did it all at one-quarter speed. He threw judo chops so slowly against space monsters that he was already on T.J. Hooker by the time they connected. They say the Gorn still roams the Vasquez Rocks, waiting for his cue to duck:

Seanbaby loves Rudy Ray Moore. Visit him on Seanbaby.com or follow him on Twitter.

For more on what you've read here, try 6 Hilarious Special Effects from Turkish Cinema or The 10 Worst MMA Fights of All Time.

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