Until recently, this dream had always remained out of reach, the available training and diaper technology inadequate to the task of creating a hyper-intelligent primate. But in the past few years, great leaps forward in the educational and poop-concealing realms has brought the prospect of grooming one's own personal renaissance-ape within reach. And as many of my readers have both mislaid priorities and great loneliness, I knew this was something they'd be interested in.
After spending several months unselfishly working on this, I've come up with the following methodology and an illustrative example. So whether you want to ruin everyone who ever crossed you, or just need someone to split the rent with, this should provide you with everything you need to know to create your own hyper-intelligent ape.
Step 1: Get Yourself An Ape
To begin, first find places in your community where apes are likely to hang out, such as zoos, Africa, or 1930's traveling circuses. When approaching one of these organizations, remember that their leaders are unlikely to just give an ape to just anyone. Make sure to dress like a person mentally and physically capable of controlling an ape. When I was doing this, I wore eyeglasses, a bowler hat and a shirt two sizes too small, sort of like what I imagine a genius muscleman might wear.
If you're in a pinch and can't find an ape in your community, go for a monkey instead -- they're more compact and much more easily obtainable. Although I definitely recall reading somewhere that there is a difference between an ape and a monkey, it'd be a pretty jaded son of a bitch to not be impressed if he came across you having a conversation with a hyper-intelligent monkey. This is what I ultimately ended up having to do: On Craigslist I found a 4-year-old male howler monkey.
I named him Hannah Montana.
Step 2: Setting Up Ape School.
The next step is to set up your training habitat, which I'm going to assume is in your home somewhere. You really should do this before you get the ape, but if you forgot like I did, remember that some IKEA stores have a ball pen which will entertain an ape or monkey for hours. Failing that, a couple volleyballs and the trunk of your car will also serve as a suitable holding pen.
Your first instinct will be to decorate your home like the ape's natural habitat: littered with bananas, vines, jungle music, etc. ... But that's actually the exact wrong thing to do; you want to encourage your charge to fit in with human society. Instead, decorate your home like a school. Coat pegs, alphabet posters, tiny little urinals, etc. ... If you need ideas, try hanging around an elementary school taking notes. This kind of first-hand research is invaluable, even if you do get some funny looks, or your name on a few funny watchlists.
I went a unique way setting up my in-home schoolhouse because of a bunch of materials I had on hand due to a sex thing I have: I set up my apartment to look like an whimsical old boarding school, a kind of Hogwarts for apes.
A sexy Hogwarts for naughty apes.