9 Simple Tasks That No One in a Commercial Can Do Right

#4. See

Taking the light bounced off of an object and turning it into something your brain can interpret is a complicated process. Lucky for us, it happens automatically in the area located behind what's called the human face. But I don't think these commercials are made for humans. Take for instance the one for InstaBulb. They want to demonstrate the frustrations of darkness, so they show a blind woman yelling at the cans in her pantry.

"How do I get out!? Who's saying that!? Why hasn't some kind of giant man in space invented light!?"

It's not only darkness that confounds our sense of sight. Drivers in commercials have mirrors made entirely out of blind spots. No one over the age of 30 can see, and reading glasses aren't a possibility, since ...

Besides, as the Knight Hawk Pen says, embarassing reading glasses make you feel older than you really are. Yes. It's much more young and hip to read a menu with a bird-themed magnifying glass.

Why are these commercials so excited about electric lights and glass lenses? In the 21st century, explaining what magnifying glasses do is like explaining you found a vagina on a horse. It's useless information, but definitely a strange, troubling kind of useless.

Lots of ads talk about the growing problem of darkness, so Olde Brooklyn Lantern went a step further to show how there is no way to solve the darkness problem. An old couple has to prepare a meal during a power outage. It goes fine, surprisingly, but now we're getting to the real problem. How are they supposed to eat in the dark? It obviously takes two hands to work a dinner, so holding a flashlight is out. The wife tries to get clever by balancing it on her shoulder, and the only thing she gets for her effort is a flashlight careening into her night spaghetti.

Night Spaghetti Flashlight Syndrome kills or injures one impossible dipshit every 29 seconds.

The mess that dingbat made is especially tragic because nobody in a commercial can ...

#3. Clean

Imagine you were selling a gadget that washes a person's feet, ass, or ears. Somehow you need to tell customers what your product cleans and also remind them that clean things are better than dirty things. It sounds obvious enough, but no commercial has ever tried it. Instead, they decided that the best way to sell cleaning products is to show tragic but unlikely accidents. For example, if your gardener had a muscular disease and you filmed him dying in an earthquake, you just produced the world's most ordinary hose commercial.

Are you in the market for a vacuum cleaner for a human ear? No? Well, you might change your mind when you see some stupid dick poke his own brain with a Q-Tip.

It's a pretty desperate gambit to hope your audience has no idea what ears are and how they work. We can all agree that if you injure your brain with your own Q-Tip, keep doing it and follow the light. It may one day save the life of the child you mistake for ice cream, you criminally stupid ape. Stop hiding from cotton swabs and call your mother -- science wants to know how she was a handful of goat meat left out in a sperm bank break room.

How has this sales technique become standard? We all know a cotton swab has at best a 1 in 10 zillion chance at killing us because that's how many we've used and we're all still alive. Is there someone at home who sees the WaxVac ad and suddenly feels lucky to have survived Q-Tips all these years? Maybe. They're discovering new mental disorders every day. Probably not, though. Falling on your face to make an identical product look good works great in beauty pageants, but looks goddamn stupid in advertising.

Let's take a look at Craig Burnett. He's an actor who's starred in dozens of commercials and nearly died in all of them. He can't clean a dog, wash a car, install a webcam, or change a shower head. If you're making a commercial for suspenders, he's the guy you call to accidentally choke himself with a belt and look to camera in defeat. He's as close to a professional idiot as you can get, and even he can't make a garden hose look difficult.

While it's weird that actors in commercials seem to seize uncontrollably whenever they clean something, it might be stranger that no one in a commercial seems to know how to ...

#2. Eat

In the world of advertising, hamburgers squirt from buns, no spoon can contain the fury of moving soup, and anyone pouring milk might as well throw it all right on the floor.

Commercials not only take place in a world where no one has the motor skills required to move nutrients into their mouth, they also seem to hate food. Families become clinically depressed when handed dinner, and any time a woman checks a box's nutritional information, she makes a face like the only ingredients are pictures of urethra surgeries.

Commercials work hard to make us believe we can't work out, wear clothes, cook, clean ourselves, or eat. Next thing you know, they'll be trying to tell us we don't know how to ...

#1. Sleep

Did you know sleeping wrong can cause an injury to your neck or spine? I imagine you didn't, since all of you have slept every day of your life and hardly any of you are crippled from it. In a commercial, however, sleeping is the only thing more dangerous than a situp or a garden hose. Now that I think about it, what does a doctor prescribe when you're injured by rest? A knife fight over a bag of amphetamines?

Most ads for mattresses or pillows expect you to believe that mankind has had bedding wrong for centuries, but none of them will shatter everything you know about sleeping like Kush, the comfortable nighttime companion:

When I first heard that sleep was secretly destroying girl skeletons, I thought the solution was simple: pillows shaped like angry dogs, so no one lets their guard down. Apparently, the answer was far dumber. I ... you know, I've been making fun of these commercials for taking place in stupidly absurd worlds, but Kush, if you're telling ladies that the secret to a good night's sleep is always having a phallus between your boobs, that's a stupidly absurd world I can live in.

Seanbaby is a leading Internet hilarity technician. You can follow him on Twitter or play video games with him on GameGoon.com.

For more of his jokes about commercials, see Giant Dong Comics Issue 1 or Giant Dong Comics Issue 2.

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