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9 Ludicrous Trends In Advertising We'll Never See Again

Lifelike Toy Guns

As history marches on, two things grew larger: our imaginations and our vaginas. Today, when you show someone a realistic toy gun, they immediately think one of two things:

A: Some cop is going to feel really bad when he shoots the dumbass kid holding that.

B: I'm going to go rob a 7-Eleven holding that.

Realistic toy guns have been so villainized that we almost hope their owners get shot just so the dipshits learn a lesson. If a mother in 1940 saw police mistake her children for armed criminals and shoot them, she'd be extremely confused. If the same situation happened today, the mother would have an "I told you so" themed funeral and her eulogy would just be an apology to all attending friends and family for wasting their time mourning such total retards. I mean, toy guns? What did those stupid kids expect would happen? My point is, people don't react to toy guns with appropriate measure in modern times. Decades ago, it was only natural for children to get acquainted with guns at an early age since they'd be using them all day when they grow up to kill Nazis and pumas. Today, guns are really only used to accidentally shoot children holding toy guns.

Toy guns used to be awesome. Lever action, explosive reports, smoking barrels ... they were so realistic that my pussified worst-case-scenario 2011 mind is already conjuring images of 1940s children in a one-sided gunfight against a twitchy store owner who think they're robbing him. It was actually a bullet point back then when your gun was convincing enough to start something like that.

* Realistic sounds! Hear the whimpers of a dying cougar after every report!

* Don't do this, but brandish it and pedestrians will hand you their cash!

* Fires painful wads of fleshy blood to convince pals and onlookers that they've been shot!

Everyone played with toy guns back then. Boys, girls, or as you can see here, a combination of both. They didn't even have a name for kids like this back then and they still marketed realistic rifle weapons towards them. Fellows! Ask for the Man-Size Daisy Pump Gun for Christmas! It's the only air rifle that will make your 1940s mother say, "Son, I don't understand what I did to make you the way you are, but I ... I still love you. And you're not the reason your father left. It's more complicated than that."

Literally everything about this seems unsafe to me, including the part where it says "Completely Safe."

Helping Girls Become Pickup Artists

A lot of comics used to have advertisements promising to teach women the secrets of charm. I guess when all the men go off to fight Hitler, the ones that stay behind are the ones attracted to etiquette. Today, if you're reading a comic book, it's a reasonably safe bet you're not a girl. And if you are a girl reading a comic book, here's a hot tip: the guy reading the comic book next to you will fuck you. If someone was marketing this book today it would simply be called How to Have the Proper Number of Holes.

I really like a system where women are the ones in charge of being charming. I've found that today, hot girls spend so much of their time being entertained that they never had to develop wit. I sometimes don't even notice that I can't stand a girl until after weeks after sleeping with her. That being said, I don't think these books were intended for attractive women. A book called Better Than Beauty seems to already know that you're a beast. The first chapter is probably tips on dodging harpoons.

They were so desperate for dong back in the day that they designed perfumes that allowed women to steal men from other women. It's not really clear from this ad if DIABLO's DOUBLE POWER is to make you yourself smell irresistible or if you're supposed to smear it all over your target's wife and make her smell like diarrhea. This very well could be an ad for a bottle of diarrhea. That's how crazy I think 1940's marketers were.

I can't express to you how happy I was when I started Steve Wilson, Editor: Illustrated Press" expecting some kind of newspaperman fighting crime and slowly realized that the whole adventure was him figuring out how to break it to the maniac copy girl that she smells bad. I also like it because it's a positive message to the disgusting women of yesterday: Ladies, if you wash yourself with soap, we might marry you! And if you love to watch women be told they stink, don't miss next month in Steve Wilson, Editor: Illustrated Press:

Racism

I guess you might have figured this, but in a decade where the most famous ad campaign was "YOU CAN SLAP A JAP," advertising executives figured a little bit of racism was okay. Which is good, because it's really hard to sell Carnation Malted Milk without puttin' a few bullets into injuns.

Culturally I'm not allowed to make these kinds of decisions, but if I was, I'd say that the writer's sense of humor here is more offensive than the artist thinking that black people have hemorrhoid pillows for mouths. This ad is probably why Archie didn't have a black friend until the 1970s.

I bet those 1940s assholes couldn't even sell Scotch tape without doing something raci- oh my god.

"And in lighter news, two young soldiers on leave were given full R.C. Cola honors today for assaulting a local Chinese ham radio enthusiast. Sounds like they'll take the kung POW chicken to go!"

Even their public service ads against racism seem racist. I'm not going to take anti-racism advice from someone trying to disprove the stereotype that Puerto Ricans are bad at baseball. Is it racist for me to notice that's ignorant in like a completely different direction? Plus, why is an Asian kid playing the part of Luis? Speaking as someone doing it right now, it's comforting to know that white people trying not to be racist has been racist for over 50 years.

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