#4. Picasso Dressed as Popeye
By the time this picture was taken 1957, Pablo Picasso was 76 years old, stupid-rich from his art, and dripping with a trail of lovers so long that if you lined them up and cubed them, you could get to the moon and back. So it's not surprising that the man had more swagger than most in his old age. It's a liiiiiiiittle surprising that his bravado manifested itself in a prosthetic nose, a fake beard, a captain's hat, and smoking a comically oversized pipe. If your granddad walked out of his room looking like Popeye, you'd either call the home or ask if he's Johnny Depping it up for a big movie part.
Hold up -- Popeye doesn't even have a beard. What kind of crap was Picasso trying to pull anyway? Did we just get Picassoed?
#3. Gerald Ford Golfing With Men in Clown Pants
Gerald R. Ford Presidential Library
There must have been this moment when the entire decade of the '70s just said "Screw it" and started wearing actual vomit for clothes. Like everyone threw a raging kegger on December 31, 1969, laid out some fabric, threw up on the fabric, and then sewed that fabric into outfits for the upcoming 10 years.
Back then, people would host serious events and half the participants showed up looking like they just fell off the circus train. And that's how we ended up with this 1974 picture of President Ford playing golf with three congressmen we're going to call Representative Tablecloth, Senator Gunt, and Senator Flower Power. If you're anything like me, you probably did a double take on Senator Flower Power, because he looks a little like a Joker Dick Nixon.
On the other hand, you could pick up this incarnation of President Ford and plop him down at the 2014 Masters, and he'd fit right in. He'd probably be baffled by the lack of psychedelic vomit clothes, but give him a doobie, and he'd feel right at home.
#2. John Wayne in Booty Shorts
Adjust your peepers, fellas. This isn't a lascivious Girl Gone Wild shaking what her mama gave her at Padre. This is John Wayne, your grandma's favorite example of manliness and racist undertones.
Hulton Archive/Hulton Archive/Getty Images
Don't let the stank tooth fool you. John Wayne was definitely racist.
It turns out that moments of leisure in the '50s were opportunities for icons of virility to squeeze their moose knuckles into polyester Daisy Dukes.
#1. Stanley Kubrick Dancing and Butt Bumping His Sister
Quick survey: Have you ever met a film buff who didn't have a filmy hard-on for Stanley Kubrick? Probably not, because like a Stanley Kubrick movie that doesn't leave me brooding and uncomfortable in my own skin, they don't exist. From 2001: A Space Odyssey to Eyes Wide Shut, critics have always seen Stanley Kubrick as a serious artist who wasn't afraid to delve into the deepest corners of the human psyche, which makes this adorable picture of this little chubster dancing with his sister all the more endearing.
These two are trying their whitest to approximate the boogie dancing that was sweeping the nation at that very moment, or Barbara was actually a very lifelike wind-up doll and Stanley had the body awareness of a sack of mashed potatoes hopped up on Dr. Pepper. Which is why, in a moment of special exuberance, Stanley's big butt pushes his wind-up-doll sister to the ground. He didn't mean to do it. He just wanted to dance. Clearly, he meant no harm. Let's go back in time and say a quick prayer for these two: "Dear Jesus, please don't let this fun dance that led to mild violence sit in Stanley's head too long. Amen."
Hopefully that helped.