The Pros And Cons Of Attending 9 Fictional Colleges

Remember when you were in high school, looking forward to college and all the incredible things you'd do with your life? And then you enrolled, and in the first week you got so drunk partying with strangers that you showed up to poli-sci 101 half-dressed and tried to fuck the professor's desk? And how you went on to become the first student in that prestigious institution's 120-year history to ever be expelled for fucking a professor's desk? And now you're writing articles ranking fictional colleges on a comedy website? Ha ha, up yours, Dean Westmorland!

#9. Adams College From Revenge Of The Nerds

20th Century Fox

Pros: Football team is populated by men in their 30s, probably better trained than most. Easy access to David Bowie montages.

Cons: Poor handling of numerous sex crimes. Every type of discrimination possible.

In Brief: This university apparently has a great computer program, but has no one on staff to teach students or faculty how to interact in a remotely human way with women, homosexuals, minorities, children, or anyone else they might encounter. Some of these students are clearly on the spectrum; is there a place for them to get counseling if they need it? There's just so much wrong here -- can a single fraternity have a monopoly on the football team? And show me where in the college handbook it says a frat can usurp a dorm?

Also, it can't be stressed enough, the chief nerd in this movie disguises himself and has sex with a member of the Pi Delta Pi sorority, tricking her into thinking he's her boyfriend.

20th Century Fox
But not before selling illegal revenge porn of her to the entire campus.

You may recognize this behavior by its more common, shorter description: rape. Rape is a key plot point in this comedy. And it's actually played for laughs. How many movies have you ever seen that used the entire act of rape as a joke? Also, it makes her fall in love with him, because why not!? This school is dangerous for any number of reasons, not the least of which is Booger roaming its campus, prepared to rape a woman if he thinks he deserves her more than her boyfriend does.

Bonus points for the montage when the nerds are looking for new housing and a frightening older woman alludes to wanting a sexual relationship with the clearly underage Wormser. Rape and pedophilia! Adams College has it all!

#8. Pacific Tech From Real Genius

TriStar Pictures

Pros: No discernible age limitations on admission. Also a strong network of hidden tunnels/caves.

Cons: Exceptionally high nerd population, apparently only one female student. Potential to be assaulted by man in the walls.

In Brief: This is a highly specialized, potentially evil little school meant for hyper geniuses. They may be working on top-secret weapons, but at least they can have zany fun in their downtime!

The upside of this school seems to be their desire to bend over backwards to make sure they get you enrolled, provided you're a genius. The downside is that they lost at least one student, and not just in the sense he left campus; he left life. And now he lives in the walls. And no one knows. Didn't that guy's parents come looking for him? How did the school account for a missing student like that?

Also potentially an issue is the fact that the school is trying to get children to develop weapons to murder people from space. Is that usual? This may be one to sleep on for a night before enrolling.

#7. UC Sunnydale From Buffy The Vampire Slayer

20th Television

Pros: Smoking hot girls with superpowers.

Cons: Everyone dies. Constantly.

In Brief: This is the University of California, Sunnydale campus, in the world of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, meaning everyone who attends this school is either a murderer of some kind or a victim.

If I recall correctly, there is also a massive, government-run agency beneath the university that is doing experiments on various monsters and demons up to and including creating a human-demon cyborg. That's absolutely terrible. Is this what tuition is being spent on? No wonder California has all those budget problems. Just preposterous.

Other on-campus issues include the prevalence of witches who can do actual magic, beer that turns people into cavemen, werewolves, and these fuckin' guys:

20th Television
This is who runs every campus radio station.

I am not taking out crippling student loans to hang out in the quad with hell's version of Jehovah's Witnesses.

#6. Monsters University From Monsters University


Pros: Monsters.

Cons: Monsters.

In Brief: This school exists solely to teach monsters how to terrify children and thus produce the screams that power the monsters' entire universe. So the unbridled terror of humanity is their fossil fuel. That's absolutely horrifying. They're fear leeches, sustaining themselves on our dread. Isn't that the most existentially awful thing you've ever heard? An institution dedicated to terror. Like ISIS. Mike Wazowski is ISIS. A little one-eyed, apparently Polish ISIS.

"Sorry, I'm pledging Al Qaeda Gamma."

All that aside, how is this yet another school that lets students determine their future based on some kind of silly, one-day competition at the end of the year? What the hell is the reason to attend school up to that point? Suppose Mike had diarrhea on the day of the competition. He still would have had the knowledge to succeed; he just would have been literally shitting the day away and thus would have failed. This is no way to run a college.

#5. Harrison University From Old School

DreamWorks Pictures

Pros: Very open policy for allowing frat activity.

Cons: Frat members who die and/or have ropes tied to their penises makes for an off-putting learning environment.

In Brief: There's a real problem in fictional colleges with dynamic fraternities (do they ever make movies about sororities that don't include serial killers?) at really shitty schools. Harrison University is run by a formulaic Dean assbot, in this case played by Jeremy Piven. He exists just to be a pain in the ass for the frat. In fairness, it's a frat made up of old men who don't attend the school and that should be a point of concern for any school official. Is that even allowed anywhere in real life?

Frat activities include K-Y Jelly wrestling, so that's not bad, but then again it's K-Y wrestling with old men who technically don't even go to your school. This isn't a frat so much as a giant sex crime. But everyone is OK with it, which makes one wonder about the mental health on campus, especially since students seem foolish enough to want to hang out with pervy old men and sleep with them.

DreamWorks Pictures
"Nah, it's cool. She doesn't even go here; she's still in high school."

Of potential concern for prospective students is that the dean is willing to blackmail uninvolved, successful students to sabotage a mostly irrelevant fraternity. If your entire education can be destroyed because the dean hates some guys you've never met, you may want to consider correspondence school.

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Felix Clay

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