The tragedy of YouTube is that there is just so much of it that some of the most brilliant gems go unnoticed. Last year, I showed you some amazing bits of comedy genius whose greatness was not reflected in their traffic, and you all rewarded those unsung comedy heroes with much deserved attention. Fortunately for us all, I never get tired of finding these ridiculous things, and neither do our forum members. So let's give a big-ass "fuck yeah" to some more true comedy gems, because knowing that there are people out there who find these as awesome and funny as I do is one of the things that keep my faith in humanity alive.
#9. Penguin Slap Fight
These are king penguins, also known as "the pussiest of all creatures." And when they fight, it is the greatest thing in the entire animal kingdom, because there is virtually no effort put into it at all. They just kind of stand around halfheartedly squawking at each other until one of them gets up the energy and motivation to swing a flipper. If it makes contact, so be it. It just bounces off with a soft, barely audible *pop*, while the other penguin looks on with a disinterested "How dare you?"
Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.
The video is half a minute of that. Fins flopping all around, occasionally making contact. The soft pop of fin on chest, and then with exactly as much apathy, they all just decide that someone won and walk away. And if you really think about it, the world would be a much better place if all fights were conducted in this manner.
#8. Sulfur Hexafluoride Makes You Sound L- "BLUUUGH!"
This is quickly becoming one of my favorite videos of all time for a couple of reasons. First, I (and according to Twitter, everyone else in existence) am a science geek. I could sit through a verbatim reading of insider trading laws if you put the speaker in a lab coat and have him fucking with chemicals at the same time. Second, the speaker in this video is actually inhaling the gases as he's explaining them. Not only does that make molecular science funny, but you know there's bound to be some awkward shit coming up. And there totally is.
He starts off with helium, and we all know that the reason it makes your voice high-pitched is because the molecules are small and light. But then he switches to sulfur hexafluoride, and that's when shit gets hilarious. See, it's five times denser than air (35 times heavier than helium), so when you breathe it in, you can actually feel its thickness. It's so heavy, in fact, that it just sits in your lungs, because it's too dense to just rise out on its own.
"Oh, it should be fine. Let me just pump some of this into my lungs here ..."
The first time he inhales it, it has its intended effect, dropping his voice down several octaves, like slowing down the speed on a record player. It's pretty funny in itself because the guy talks kind of slow to begin with, so it instantly makes him sound like a complete dumbass. But then he decides to do it again, and this is where I will lose it every time (1:41 in the video). As soon as he breathes that shit in, he starts to talk, but instead of words coming out of his mouth, he's interrupted by a cartoonish, gagging "BLUUUUGH!"
"Run! He's gonna spew!"
Followed by "Oh, boy. I almost threw up on that one!" But remember, he still has the gas in his lungs, so it's all low-pitched and slow, making him sound like a stereotypical movie version of a stoner. Giggling off his near-puke in front of what I can only assume is a class of middle school children? If that's not the case, don't tell me -- just let me keep believing that, because that's much funnier to me.
"Anybody got any Nutter Butters?"
But wait, he's not done! Remember how I said that sulfur hexafluoride is so heavy that it sits in your lungs? That means you can't just breathe it all out. In order to clear that shit out of your airway, you need to stand on your head. You can probably guess how that worked out.
"You know, you could just use the wall behind you to brace your- OK, just do it that way. You got this."
#7. Pets Dressed as Sharks Chase ... Just Watch the Video
Since I started writing this article, this video has picked up some pretty good steam on traffic, but I'm keeping it anyway because it's so goddamn surreal. And no matter what traffic it's already accrued, it's never going to be enough to satisfy my inner sense of justice and karma.
At first, it's two pets: a cat and a duck. The duck is walking all around the kitchen, like "Sup? I'm a duck. Just hangin' out and doing duck shit." Meanwhile, a cat dressed in an itty-bitty shark suit sits on a Roomba and rides around like it ain't no thang. And right off the bat, we get a sequence that looks like a robotic cat-shark is hunting its unsuspecting duck prey.
Duh dun ... duh dun ... duh dun duh dun duh dun ...
For a little over two and a half minutes, it's that. Just layer upon layer of surreal video. No narration. No teenager giggling behind the camera. No added animation or dumbass text laid over the video. Just a person who knew that they were filming pure, simple comedy gold -- someone who knew the video would speak for itself without any outside interference.
"Hey, is it my turn yet? Hey. Catshark. Hey. Is it my turn yet? Catshark?"
One of the best parts is that the cat doesn't give even the slightest shit about the vacuum it's sitting on. Normally, pets would jet away from one of those things like it was the devil, but not this cat. It just sits there, enjoying the ride. Even when it bumps into a wall and spins around to find a clear path, the cat still just sits, unfazed. And just when you think they've jammed all of the surreal they can get into one video ... wait, did a dog in a hammerhead shark costume just casually stroll in like it wears that thing all the time?
#6. Sandra Lee's Frame-by-Frame Meltdown
Sandra Lee, if you didn't already know, is a poor man's version of Martha Stewart. Which is to say she fancies herself a homemaker, except without any of the talent, skill, or vision required to be even remotely interesting or useful. Her only saving grace (and quite possibly the only reason she has any fame at all) is because she happens to be one of the worst "cooks" in the entire world. Virtually everything she does is a massive, hilarious disaster.
So in this particular video, she's made a bastardized concoction out of lemonade, heavy cream, and vodka. Hey, quick question: Does anyone know what happens when you mix citrus and/or alcohol with dairy? That's right, it curdles and instantly turns bad! And now Sandra Lee knows that.
"No, this is really, really good. My face sometimes does that when it's overwhelmed with good-tasting things."
As you well know by now, if the video had just showed her reaction, that wouldn't be good enough for this list. What it does is just as simple, but holy shit is it funny as fuck. He plays the clip like normal, starting with her saying, "And that ... is a delicious, sweet treat." Then, just as she puts the glass to her lips, he pauses it and starts advancing frame by frame.
One minute and eight seconds of a frame-by-frame descent into madness. Her face ever contorting, forever clenching in an involuntary grimace that threatens to envelop her entire head. Her whole face pinching in on itself like her nose was the singularity of an inescapable black hole of pure fucking stupid.
Each shot is more horrifying and hilarious than the last. Every time you think she hits the lowest point in her curdled valley of cocktail hell, the corners of her mouth twist and contort into an entity straight from the darkest recesses of Stephen King's mind ... finally landing on a face that is only appropriate in two situations: 1) drinking this abomination, or 2) the end of a particularly eventful blowjob.
"I call this drink the Devil's Semen."
#5. Cheetah Shits into a Sunroof
You're a zoologist tracking a cheetah and her cubs, because zoologists get bored a lot. You're right on top of the family of cats when the mother decides to jump up on your SUV. This is bad, because the windows are down and the sunroof is open, and any sudden movements could be mistaken for signs of aggression. Or worse: signs of you, her prey, making a run for it.
"Maybe if I turn on the wipers ..."
So you sit as quiet and still as possible to put off the vibe of "I pose no threat, and I taste like shit." Suddenly, she jumps to the very top of the sunroof and peers in. This is it -- you realize these are the last moments of your life. She hunches over like the deadly predator that she is, measuring you up ...
... and then coldly, methodically takes a shit right into your truck. The whole time staring directly at the cameramen as if to say, "Go fuck yourself. Leave my family alone, you lowlife paparazzi fuckholes."
The zoologist reaches for his toilet paper (he's basically on a safari, so of course he has toilet paper with him) and makes a brilliant save just as the first of the turds drops through his roof.
The cheetah finishes up and starts to walk away when it becomes apparent that the hairless ape who's been stalking her is not in fact covered in her feces. So she repositions herself, aims, and fires a stream of urine directly into his fucking eyes. No, that's not just speculation -- he actually turns to the camera after it's over and says, "I got that in the eye."
Close your mouth, dumbass!
I've never seen a grander "go fuck yourself" than that. In fact, from now on, when someone pisses me off on the highway, I'm not going to give them the finger. I'm going to follow them to the next stoplight and do exactly this.