9 Better Uses For The Giant Robot From 'Real Steel'

#5: Police Traffic Violators

It's an open secret that many police departments in the world use traffic citations as a revenue source. This makes certain activities which are relatively easy to police, such as speeding, much more likely to be cited than other bad driving habits which are as dangerous if not more so, like running red lights or tailgating.

Also, radar guns allow the police to think they're fighting a futuristic war.

Using a giant robot to police these other minor violations is an obvious solution, which would also obviously be emotionally very satisfying for the operator of the robot. Few men alive haven't dreamed of caving in the hood of the car of someone who just changed lanes without signalling. An early draft of Martin Luther King's most famous speech actually went into this point at some length, before it was trimmed for the sake of brevity.

Of course, vigilantism can never be the answer - any justice which abandons due process will ultimately lead to far worse injustices. Which means that to pursue any such solution, you'd need authorization, from I guess the mayor, a process which will be made easier after putting a fist through the hood of his car.


#6: Destroy The Robot Factories

One problem with having an enormous robot is that other people are going to be jealous of you and all the horrible things you've done to them with your enormous robot. This jealously could lead to retribution, and if that retribution is also robot-delivered, you could be in real trouble. From this simple analysis it should be clear that the ideal scenario for owning a giant robot is being the only one with a giant robot.

This should be straightforward. Just check your robot for a boilerplate which should list its home address, and head over there. Actually destroying the factory itself will be easy enough (remember that you have a massive robot at your disposal) but come prepared for resistance anyways (wear a helmet) and maybe don't tell them you're coming.

"Yeah Murray? One of our CSR's just got the strangest call from one of our customers. I'll get into it later, but for now I think you should probably close the front gate."


#7: Steal From the Rich, Give To The Poor

Over the last few weeks a number of protestors have occupied Wall Street, and after days of effort, have succeeded in deciding to call themselves Occupy Wall Street. Angry about the economic and income inequality prevalent in today's economy, these protestors want something done about it. What that something is, is as yet a bit unclear, but whether it takes the form of a change in tax policy, new regulations for financial institutions, or a series of daring robot-assisted raids on rich people's homes, know that you're equipped to only help with one of those tasks.

The actual logistics of stealing from the rich are involved and will vary from site to site. Fortunately for you, you'll have a giant robot which is capable of kicking his way through most logistical challenges.

As well as suplexing most private security company's patrol cars.

As for giving your spoils to the poor, remember that they often won't be able to appreciate the beauty of many of your winnings, nor have the financial wherewithal to properly invest money for their future. Consider establishing a foundation for the benefit of the poor with your giant robot acting as the chairman. Then, double-consider installing a gavel attachment to his arm, useful for opening and closing meetings, as well as for being adorable.


#8: Steal From The Poor, Give To The Poor

The problem with the rich is that they'll get wise to constantly being robbed by robots, and will soon put all their belongings out of reach of your robot - underwater I guess - and your foundation for the poor will suffer from lack of revenue. The only solution, stealing from the poor to give to the poor, may not sound like it makes much sense, but when mulled over for awhile, you'll remember that you have a giant robot, so fuck sense.

You'll definitely want to steal less than you would from the rich, if only because they have less, right? And don't steal from all the poor - for one thing, there are just to many of them. But there are lots of dirtbags out there - feel free to take their stuff. Dirtbags will have less security measures than the rich, making the stealing part relatively easy, but will own more Firebirds, which will be used to chase you down.

Mid 90's Firebirds are pretty quick, and are the number one car preferred by dirtbags. They are however, like many things, vulnerable to being kicked by a 30 ton robot.


#9: Robot Loving

There will come a time, as the world lies in ruins, and you sit atop the pile of money which you're not even bothering to give to the poor any more, when you'll realize you've made a mistake. You spent so long isolated from society, clinging to the shoulders of a massive robot and wailing on children and poor people, that you forgot your humanity. Old, alone, and childless, you have no heir to place on the abominable throne you've created.

The only solution, building another enormous robot to make love to your existing enormous robot and give it a child, is more likely a product of your growing isolation-induced insanity, rather than a realistic plan. But it is, sadly achievable, given the great wealth you'll have acquired by that point. For the sake of taste, I'm not going to go into the actual mechanics of getting two enormous robots to fuck, except that it will require a great deal of nerve, involve an enormous heart shaped bed, and probably sound like this:

So, you know, wear ear protection.


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Chris Bucholz

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