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9 Better Uses For The Giant Robot From 'Real Steel'

So this movie came out this past weekend about massive fighting robots. I don't know the name - I think it was the George Clooney one.

That's definitely it. I think Ides was the name of the robot.

Anyways, this film was set in a curious near-future where competitive fighting is no longer done with fellas in little shorts and is instead done with massive robots who wear no shorts at all. The movie presumably goes into some explanation for why robots have entered this role, but not having seen the film, I'm limited to stating that it probably wasn't very convincing.

Because a future where massive humanoid robots that do our bidding is only one really inspired lunatic away from becoming a reality, I decided to compile a list of all the cool things a lunatic could do with a massive humanoid robot. To ensure accuracy, I accomplished this by standing outside my local mental hospital and shouting questions at the open windows, recording whatever was shrieked back at me. After some time with the spell checker, and the removing hateful slurs checkers, I've come up with the 9 most inspired ways to abuse society with a massive robot. Hopefully this will inspire some of the lunatics that regularly read this column to get off their probably quite large asses, and invent some massive robots.

#1: Commuting

According to a survey of commuters, less than 1% of people currently commute to work on the shoulders of an enormous robot. But 100% would do so if it was an option. "Is it an option?" 80% of that same group asked the surveyor, seizing him by his lapels.

The advantages of riding to work on the shoulders of an enormous robot are too obvious to mention, but will at minimum include:

- Increased visibility

- The ability to use pedestrianized shortcuts

- Carpooling lane privileges

- Intimidation of tollbooth operators.

A robot would also look very impressive when parked outside your office, winning you much admiration and prestige. When parked it would also, obviously, be theft resistant, and could also run errands for you while you're at work. Truthfully, having a robot for commuting would make you pretty much royalty, a prince among men.

Prince quite probably already has a massive robot friend which he rides around the house.

The only potential downside is the increased insurance premiums you might have to pay, due to the surely astronomical cost of your robot, and the fact that you will be constantly tempted to step on people and their shitty little cars every second of every commute.

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#2: Win Battles Of The Bands

According to the culture I devoured growing up, many problems in the world are solved by Battles of the Bands.

Due to popular demand, they would later turn the novel into a movie.

But it turns out that Battles of the Bands don't happen much in the real world, and when they do, they're for pretty low stakes. A t-shirt advertising the bar the battle is played at is a typical prize, but so is nothing at all.

That said, given the state of the economy it's not improbable that in the near future most of our incomes will be derived from Battle of the Bands' winnings. In those cases, having a massive robot in your band would be pretty useful, given that it would have both the programming to play its instrument consistently, and incredible stage presence. Imagine perfectly timed, down to the millisecond, jumps when playing Van Halen's Jump, each jump causing the Earth's crust to shake. Or a stage dive that's talked about for years, if only by its victims.

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#3: Dominate Reality Shows

Because of some problems society has, for the last decade we've had shows on our televisions where the most objectionable people in the world are put in odd circumstances and forced to compete for money and attention. Like the high pitched noise when a television turns on, you can usually detect the presence of these shows from the full body shivers you'll experience when they're airing.

Even looking at this picture is enough to make my testicles retract inside my body cavity to protect themselves.

Because the producers of these shows are quite possibly robots themselves, and if not, completely soulless, it stands to reason that they would have no problem allowing a massive robot to be a contestant on a Big Brother type show. And if that robot happens to kick another contestant in the chest, well, that's just good television. They don't even have to be fancy kicks, just straight ones, like a child kicking a ball. Except instead of a ball it's a grinning, white-toothed idiot's chest, and instead of a glancing blow off the side of the foot, it will send the bastard through a wall and cause ratings to spike a full point.

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#4: Attack Bullies

Like most people who know the difference between there, their, and which, I was beaten mercilessly every day in school. I'm just stating this to establish my bona fides for my next point - I don't actually begrudge any of my assailants. I've moved on, and feel that holding those ill feelings inside of you for years is the kind of unhealthy behavior which leads to poetry.

(And besides, the kind of little asshole who use the phrase "bona fides" is probably asking for it.)

But that doesn't mean that I condone bullying, or think it's a necessary part of growing up. We can and should stop bullying from happening to more children. So, in the event you have a massive robot under your control, send it to local schools to lurk behind bushes and low buildings, looking for signs of bullying. Upon spotting any name calling, or noogies, or front wedgies, prompt your steely paladin to leap into the open and (gently) wail on the little thug. As this raises certain ethical issues, please promise not to enjoy this, at least not more than is strictly necessary to do it effectively.

"This court finds that given the degree to which Tyler was a little shit, a reasonable person would be fully expected to enjoy using a 30 ton robot to beat him. Kudos, and case dismissed."

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Chris Bucholz

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