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8 Totally Free Games to Kick Your Boredom's Ass

#4. Upgrade Complete

Via Armor Games

I'm going to say something that sounds face-fartingly obvious. Then I'm going to explain the really, really obvious thing because it turns out to not be quite as obvious as you might think. Here I go: In Upgrade Complete, the object is to upgrade everything.

No, really, every motherfucking thing. Not just the little ship that you use to play the game, but everything: the font, the graphics, the logo, the copyright notice, the ability to save the game. Adding a mute button so you can turn off the music. Everything.

Via Armor Games

The actual "playable" part of the game -- that is to say, the section that has action -- is only there for you to earn money, which is then spent on the upgrades. It's an ingenious idea for a game, and I enjoyed the festering shit out of it. My only complaint is that it doesn't take very long to beat.

Oh, wait, here's Part 2 with a billion more things to upgrade.

#3. Caribbean Admiral

Via Armor Games

There are two things I hate in a game: zombies and pirates. Strangely, I have both of those things on this list, because I'll give most every game a fair shake before throwing my dinner at it and screaming, "This is bullshit! You're not my mom! You're just a stupid game!"

Caribbean Admiral is a fairly simple hybrid of basic buy low/sell high trading and turn-based RPG. During the non-battle parts of the game, you buy products at one port for as low of a price as you can find, then take those by ship to another city where hopefully they're buying at a much higher rate. While at the port, you can repair or buy more powerful ships and upgrade their stats, allowing you to carry more cargo or more implements of pirate assfuckery.

Via Armor Games
Sorry, chum, but I forgot the lube. You'll have to use saltwater.

That's the turn-based battle part. The screenshot above shows two ships squaring off, but as you progress in the game, you and the enemy will obtain larger fleets. It's not a terribly long game, but you can easily kill an afternoon with it, annoying your co-workers or housemates by screaming mixes of cursing and "ARRRG" after every cannon blast. Or maybe that's just me. I never trust a game to fully entertain me, so I have to add my own brand of fun.

#2. Bloons

Via Ninja Kiwi

Bloons is one of my all-time favorite series of browser games. They're tower defense games, which means that you're setting up buildings or characters in defined spots along a path, and they will attack anything that walks down it. In this case, it's monkeys who are extremely pissed off at balloons for some reason. I don't know why, but that idea is one of the cutest, stupidest things I've ever laughed at.

As balloons float by, your stationary monkeys throw darts, boomerangs, and shurikens to pop them. When you need more firepower, there are airplanes, pirate ships, cannons ... basically all the things you'd expect a monkey to construct in order to pop balloons in real life. If a balloon makes it past your defenses and out the other side of the map, you lose a life. Reach zero lives, and you lose the match.

Via Ninja Kiwi
Fuckin' balloons. A hundred bucks says they're all named Chad.

And yep, everything is upgradable. Well, not everything. We kind of ruined that word with Upgrade Complete, but you know what I mean. The great thing about this game is that there are so many of them, as you can see on Ninja Kiwi's homepage. The one in the screenshots is Part 5, and even outside of the numbered versions, there are spinoffs and game packs that add more levels. You can easily spend weeks or months on this series alone. And if that isn't enough for you because you're a greedy bastard, try my other two favorite tower defense games, Kingdom Rush and Gemcraft.

#1. Epic Battle Fantasy 4

Via Armor Games

This one is a full-on game. It has a plot, interaction with NPCs, a full party of characters, quests, a leveling system, equipment upgrades, crafting, battles ... it's a classic RPG style that's a perfect cross between The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past and Final Fantasy. The Zelda section is what you'll find outside of battles. In order to reach this chest, you'll need to find the hammer. In order to reach this section of the map, you'll first need to cool the lava with the ... lava ... cooler thing.

Battle is a classic turn-based system all old-school RPG players are familiar with. It comes with attacks, magic, summons, limit breaks ... pretty much all the stuff you're used to from the classics, but somehow pulled off in a way that doesn't feel old or stale.

Via Armor Games
"Quick, cast Holy on Kefka! Er, wait, I mean that fox!"

All of the healing and buff items are things like candy, chips, and energy drinks. The armor and weapons are presented like costumes. For the longest time, I figured it was done that way to make them all look and feel like little kids, until they started a conversation about a party member's huge boobs. It's seriously fun, and it's brought me hours of joy when I otherwise would have been bitterly weeping in the darkest corner of my closet.

If you're more into a traditional, less cartoony RPG, I highly suggest Legend of the Void 2. It's darker and has more of a Dungeons & Dragons style than candy-eating children with adult breasts.


John is an editor and columnist right here at Cracked, with a new article every Thursday. You can also find him on Twitter and Facebook.

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