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8 Totally Free Games to Kick Your Boredom's Ass

It's 2 a.m. Your insomnia has demanded that you never go to sleep without first seeing the sunrise. Twitter and Facebook have become public displays of your friends' drunken texts, and you've been chain-clicking YouTube videos so long, you've finally made it to the really, really weird stuff. Don't worry, I have your back. The following games have saved my sanity on numerous occasions, and the best part is that they're free and you don't have to download a damn thing. Get ready to kick your boredom's ass with games like ...

#8. Doodle God

Via Armor Games

Doodle God is a perfect game for when you want to zone out for a while and forget that the entire world exists. It's a simple mouse-only puzzle game, which means that you can easily play it with one hand while never losing grip of your booze or bong or genitals. The best part is that it's so straightforward, you don't even need an instruction guide -- you just combine two elements to make a new substance. For instance, air and fire make energy. Water and earth make a swamp. Now you can combine those new things to make life. Exactly the way my children were conceived.

Via Armor Games

The beauty is in that simplicity. Starting out with only four basic elements (earth, air, water, and fire), you can come up with 115 new items, including snakes, planes, and death ... there's a movie idea in there somewhere. Nah, that's stupid. Nobody would watch it.

Don't worry, if you burn through that one too quickly and need more sweet, sweet god doodling because you have problems with extreme narcissism, there's always Doodle God 2, with 196 combinations, and Doodle Devil, with another 100. It may sound too simple to even bother with, but trust me, when you want to relax and dick off for a while with minimal effort, it's absolutely perfect.

#7. Paladog

Via Armor Games

This one is a little more involved. The story is that one day God got tired of all the greed and violence of man, so he destroyed them, passing their intelligence along to animals. Eventually, demons got mad about whatever it is that demons get mad about ... I assume pretty much everything. Demons are rude assholes. So they attacked the world. The only one who can stop them is you: Paladog!

Via Armor Games
That's you. The dog who is also a paladin.

So basically the way the demons have decided to take over the planet is to send an organized line of zombies, skeletons, walking TV sets, and lots of other insane creatures at Paladog's fort. Paladog fights them off, using magic spells and his army of animal friends, which he purchases with food ... because they're animals and they like food. Duh. After each level, you can buy items and gear from the shop, as well as unlock and upgrade army units in the upgrade screen. Meanwhile, Paladog fights, recruits, and levels his way through waves of undead creatures, punching them right in their stupid zombie faceheads.

#6. Infectonator 2

Via Armor Games

Infectonator 2 is kind of the opposite of Paladog. In this one, your goal is to turn the entire world into zombies by spreading their plague or virus or ... whatever the hell it is that turns people into zombies. If the 1970s had any say, it would be consumerism. In this game, it's a virus shooter, followed by a chain reaction.

The virus hits a few regular people, turning them into zombies right off the bat. Then they all run around like sightless morons, biting people they run into. Then those people either die when they run out of hit points or become infected themselves. Each zombie only has a limited time that it can stay "alive," so you have to be strategic in your aim.

Via Armor Games

The above picture is only the second area. As you progress through the game, you'll be trying to infect cities with hundreds of little screaming people. In between levels, you can use the money you collected (because what zombie doesn't love collecting coins before he keels over?) to upgrade your zombies and virus and even unlock and upgrade special zombies like Santa Claus and Michael Jackson. I won't give them all away, though -- that's half the fun. Well, that and screaming, "Suck it, bitches! You suck my infection! I am the Infectonator!"

Once you beat that, fear not. There are six versions of this game.

#5. Burrito Bison Revenge

Via Armor Games

Burrito Bison Revenge is a launcher game. If you've never heard of one before, it's exactly like it sounds: You launch a character into the air and see how high and far you can make them fly. Usually there are obstacles in the air and on the ground, and you can land on or fly through power-ups and money.

Via Armor Games
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

When he comes back down, he can land on cops, which kick his ass and make him stop shooting through the air, or he can splash dive gummy bears because ... well, why the hell not? He is a wrestler, after all. Did I not mention that? I probably should have mentioned that. He's a wrestler. It all makes sense now, doesn't it?

Via Armor Games
"WHUTCHA GONNA DO, GUMMY BEARS, WHEN THE BISON RAINS DOWN ON YOU?!"

Just like all of these games, you can upgrade all kinds of things between rounds, adding rockets and speed and corrupt cops. Don't try to make sense of it, man. Just launch the goddamn bison and squish gummy bears. It's fun. If you're not into bison, then here's a slightly different launcher with a penguin.

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