But what to do now? Yes, it's true that Michael Bay called my agent and offered money for the rights to turn Hate By Numbers into a summer blockbuster, starring Shia Labeouf as a dangerously unhinged mathematician, but that deal fell through. "Well, that's it," I thought. "My run at the big time is over."
But just then the red phone in the Cracked House started ringing. DOB answered.
"'This-shit-is-wack' O'Brien is on the phone for you, Gladstone," he said.
I took the phone. "Who's your girlfriend having sex with now, Jack?" I asked.
"No, it's not that," he said. "I have a deal for you. What would you say, if I asked you to do your successful feature, Hate By Numbers, on a semi-regular basis, for no extra money?"
"How can I refuse?" I asked. "Anything else to sweeten the deal?"
"Yes. We also won't be titling any of your posts Hate By Numbers because people seem to respond better to X Things That Pissed Me Off About Y."
I winced, but as sure as I knew Chris Buckholz would leave me to die in a fire should Wolinsky burn the Cracked House down while freebasing, I knew Jack was right. So I called up my good friend and (former Cracked superstar) Ian Cooper and had him put together a kick ass logo for me. Then I went looking for something upsetting on FoxNews.
Turns out Neil Cavuto doesn't interview nutritionalists as effectively as you might have suspected. Get ready for another round of Hate By Numbers
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