8 Things That Pissed Me Off About The FoxNews Fat Cops Report
Last week, something happened to me for the first time: I had an internet success. The premiere episode of Hate By Numbers lit up YouTube (by Gladstone standards) and brought me exposure like I'd never experienced before. True, one commenter called me a "gay ... liberal," while another found me to be more of a "Republican polesmoker," but still the page views, comments, and ratings were all largely favorable. Besides, I felt good that I could unite our politically divided country with my alleged gayness. I also garnered some nice comments from Cracked readers ---at least one of which--- will likely bring Chris Hansen to my house with a film crew. (All I can say in my defense, Mr. Hansen, is that there was some question as to whether MLE05 were an underage girl or an adult male.)
But what to do now? Yes, it's true that Michael Bay called my agent and offered money for the rights to turn Hate By Numbers into a summer blockbuster, starring Shia Labeouf as a dangerously unhinged mathematician, but that deal fell through. "Well, that's it," I thought. "My run at the big time is over."
But just then the red phone in the Cracked House started ringing. DOB answered.
"'This-shit-is-wack' O'Brien is on the phone for you, Gladstone," he said.
I took the phone. "Who's your girlfriend having sex with now, Jack?" I asked.
"No, it's not that," he said. "I have a deal for you. What would you say, if I asked you to do your successful feature, Hate By Numbers, on a semi-regular basis, for no extra money?"
"How can I refuse?" I asked. "Anything else to sweeten the deal?"
"Yes. We also won't be titling any of your posts Hate By Numbers because people seem to respond better to X Things That Pissed Me Off About Y."
I winced, but as sure as I knew Chris Buckholz would leave me to die in a fire should Wolinsky burn the Cracked House down while freebasing, I knew Jack was right. So I called up my good friend and (former Cracked superstar) Ian Cooper and had him put together a kick ass logo for me. Then I went looking for something upsetting on FoxNews.
Turns out Neil Cavuto doesn't interview nutritionalists as effectively as you might have suspected. Get ready for another round of Hate By Numbers
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okay.. this post made me thinking
ReplyGladstone,
Replygreat stuff. Morphine's In Spite of Me is fantastic, as is the rest of Cure for Pain.
keep up the great work!
I always thought american cops would be more intimidating if they were really overweight, it gives off a simple message to potential criminals; "YOU RUN, WE JUST FUCKIN SHOOT YOU!!!"
ReplyThat was brilliant. Fantastic work!
ReplyOnce again here we are lowering the standards for public servants. Fat people can,t run worth crap, thats Hollywood. There should be demanding tests to demonstrate ability. But of course the opposite is true. Many fill positions shuffling paper work, end up fat and as a result are unable to " Hit the Street " in emergency,s effectively. This attitude resembles the US Military now accepting illegal aliens who break the laws they are to protect in representing the American Citizen.
ReplyDude, you rock!
ReplyYou might think you dissed me with your tardy and cutting response, but, instead, you've merely made my triple digit comment dreams come true. Bless you.
Replyyawn
ReplyIf he really wants to commiserate with the families who have lost someone in Iraq or Afganistan he should give up one of his twins or or least have to write some of the letters I wrote.
ReplyTo those whining about picking on FoxNews being too easy...
ReplyPlease try and remember that these are the same folks that had the audacity to declare themselves "fair and balanced" while containing the most consistent and blatantly biased reporting and punditry in the channel lineup. Not just one or two of their personalities, but nearly everyone on payroll. To NOT make fun of the utter lack of journalistic integrity, at least once a week, would be impossible for anyone with half a brain.
As far as Neil Cavuto's interview ? I think that might have been the most pathetic Stephen Colbert impression ever. I would've thought that the "1/2 Hour News Hour" taught the people at Fox that they suck at parody and that parodies of themselves should strictly be left to the professionals. Like Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert and... Wayne Gladstone. ;)
In my city, the young cops are fit and the old cops are fat. How they got that way is simple...they don't do fuck all. If there's no chance of a drug bust then they don't care. Murder is not really common 'round here...yet.
ReplyIt was a 1147 and counting and I meant your ego not you personally. I don't want your ego to take you over again because those of us in the know , know that, that was what really caused the break up of the greatest crime fighting team in Rhode Island history, not that Hannah Montana bullshit.
ReplyA beast? And I though you had my back, glendoor. So help you if you stand in the way of my fragile, fragile ego. I don't care if you did learn 47 ways to kill a man in the army, I will bring you down. By sarcastic numerology if necessary.
ReplySTOP! You are feeding a beast.
ReplyNeil Cavuto is a moron. Gladstone's kinda cute though...
ReplyYes, it's clear to me that Cavuto was attempting humor. Still that was his ONLY point. A joke over and over. And offered in counter to her valid point.
ReplyMaybe he had to stretch it out and he was short on ideas? Seemed more like he was just trying to be funny. Still, waste of airtime Should have just gotten a brief mention. Or Tickertaped.
ReplyNice. Very nice. I love hate probably more than the average joe and am extremely glad that hate by numbers is going to be a regular segment. It may perhaps help fill the void that the News on Cracked switching to once a week has left in my life.
Replyshockingly nancy grace is on cnn. and i don't understand why the vid is periodically "unavailable." i'm apologize on behalf of youtube.
ReplyWait! So I clicked on the digg-ity button for nothing? I demand satisfaction...glove-slap!!!
Reply