About 25 minutes into The Lost Boys, Corey Haim puts something in his closet and shuts the door. His closet door is only on the screen for a few seconds, but what's hanging up on his closet door has baffled me for over two decades now:
That means that at some point during the 80s, the following exchange took place: Lost Boys Set Designer: Oh, and we'll need some posters for his wall. You know - like stuff a teenage boy would hang up in his room. Lost Boys Assistant Set Designer: (holding up sexy Rob Lowe poster) Like this? Lost Boys Set Designer: Yes, exactly like that. But for all it's baffling 80s-ness, I think kids today could learn a lot from Lost Boys. With the vampires from Twilight walking around like starved members of My Chemical Romance, all "wah wah wah cry cry cry," kids these days probably think vampires are whiny douchebags. In 'The Lost Boys,' vampires are a cross between the Goonies and 'Ride the Lightning'-era Metallica. Consider school officially in session, kids. Here's what you should really know about vampires. And before you ask, yes, that IS Jack Bauer.
Vampire Fact #1: They listen to awesome music.
Most people think vampires spend all their time listening to Bauhaus and The Cure, but think about that for a second: If you're going to live forever, do you really want to spend all of your time smoking cloves and letting Peter Murphy bum you out? What are you going to do? Slit your wrists and sit there watching them instantly heal over and over again for a few centuries? Yeah, great - sounds like a blast.
While it's true that many vampires prefer to brood in the shadows, wearing black eye makeup and writing lame poetry about Autumn, there are just as many who prefer rocking out to the smooth stylings (and outrageous stage antics!) of famed saxophonist Tim Cappello. When you're blessed with eternal youth you have two options: sit around and whine about it, or go out and PAR-TAY.
Vampire Fact #2: They'll Take You ALL THE WAY TO THE EDGE.
Like energy drinks and terrorists, vampires are totally extreme. Whether they're rocking out to a sexy saxophone solo by Tim Cappello or riding their dirt bikes through a thick fog, vampires only live to get radical, so if you're unfortunate enough - or fortunate enough, depending on how you look at it - to get mixed up in their shenanigans, best to buckle your seatbelt and hold on to your hat. Remember: They can't die. How are you supposed to compete with that?
On the other hand, getting totally extreme can be an enriching experience. After you've almost fallen off a cliff trying to keep up with a bunch of vampires on dirt bikes, you'll appreciate the tedium and monotony of your soul-sucking 9-5 job enough to stay away from all those crazy vampires for a while. Because c'mon - hanging out with vampires? What were you thinking anyway?
↓ Continue Reading Below