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8 Things 'The Lost Boys' Could Teach 'Twilight' Vampires

About 25 minutes into The Lost Boys, Corey Haim puts something in his closet and shuts the door. His closet door is only on the screen for a few seconds, but what's hanging up on his closet door has baffled me for over two decades now:

That means that at some point during the 80s, the following exchange took place:

Lost Boys Set Designer: Oh, and we'll need some posters for his wall. You know - like stuff a teenage boy would hang up in his room.

Lost Boys Assistant Set Designer:(holding up sexy Rob Lowe poster) Like this?

Lost Boys Set Designer: Yes, exactly like that.

But for all it's baffling 80s-ness, I think kids today could learn a lot from Lost Boys. With the vampires from Twilight walking around like starved members of My Chemical Romance, all "wah wah wah cry cry cry," kids these days probably think vampires are whiny douchebags. In 'The Lost Boys,' vampires are a cross between the Goonies and 'Ride the Lightning'-era Metallica. Consider school officially in session, kids. Here's what you should really know about vampires.

And before you ask, yes, that IS Jack Bauer.

Vampire Fact #1: They listen to awesome music.

Most people think vampires spend all their time listening to Bauhaus and The Cure, but think about that for a second: If you're going to live forever, do you really want to spend all of your time smoking cloves and letting Peter Murphy bum you out? What are you going to do? Slit your wrists and sit there watching them instantly heal over and over again for a few centuries? Yeah, great - sounds like a blast.

While it's true that many vampires prefer to brood in the shadows, wearing black eye makeup and writing lame poetry about Autumn, there are just as many who prefer rocking out to the smooth stylings (and outrageous stage antics!) of famed saxophonist Tim Cappello. When you're blessed with eternal youth you have two options: sit around and whine about it, or go out and PAR-TAY.

Vampire Fact #2: They'll Take You ALL THE WAY TO THE EDGE.

Like energy drinks and terrorists, vampires are totally extreme. Whether they're rocking out to a sexy saxophone solo by Tim Cappello or riding their dirt bikes through a thick fog, vampires only live to get radical, so if you're unfortunate enough - or fortunate enough, depending on how you look at it - to get mixed up in their shenanigans, best to buckle your seatbelt and hold on to your hat. Remember: They can't die. How are you supposed to compete with that?

On the other hand, getting totally extreme can be an enriching experience. After you've almost fallen off a cliff trying to keep up with a bunch of vampires on dirt bikes, you'll appreciate the tedium and monotony of your soul-sucking 9-5 job enough to stay away from all those crazy vampires for a while. Because c'mon - hanging out with vampires? What were you thinking anyway?

Vampire Fact #3: They can trick you into thinking you are eating maggots.

Like many supernatural creatures, vampires have special powers they can use to alter your perceptions in interesting ways. If you ever end up at a vampire rager, they might trick you into doing a beer bong that's actually filled with whiskey. But then, when the whiskey actually gets to your mouth, it might turn out to be beer after all. They just made you think it was whiskey.

Or if you go to the movies with some vampires, they might be like, "Hey, let's go see that new RomCom. All us vampires love RomComs," and then when you buy the tickets they'll be like, "Why'd you buy tickets to a RomCom?" Then you'll be like, "I thought you guys said you're all really into RomComs!" and they'll be like, "Pfff... dude, we're vampires. You think vampires are into RomComs? Whatever, man. Just go get us some popcorn." Then when you get back with the popcorn they won't even eat any, or they'll say they only like their popcorn when it has blood on it or whatever.

I guess what I'm trying to say is "vampires are assholes."

Vampire Fact #4: They like to hang out under bridges.

A lot of people like to hang out in bars and coffee shops. Homeless people hang out underneath highway overpasses. Children and pedophiles hang out near playgrounds, nerds hang out at the library, and recent immigrants go to these things called "cultural centers" that smell like weird meat and hold crappy dance parties on the weekends that you probably don't want to attend. Vampires are different, though, and unlike most of us, they prefer the homey atmosphere that only the underside of a suspension bridge can provide - preferably one with a freight train passing directly overhead.

While unbelievably dangerous to the average mortal, dangling over a foggy, bottomless abyss provides the kind of "extreme" thrill that creatures of the night go, ahem, batty for. It's reckless, it's death-defying, and perhaps best of all, it puts them closer to that one thing vampires love most of all: a metric buttload of fog.

Vampire Fact #5: It's really easy to become one.

Common sense dictates that in order to become a vampire you must be bitten by one first. This is a common misconception, though, and while being bitten by a vampire certainly won't hurt your chances of becoming one, taking a swig of blood out of a rhinestone-encrusted 40 oz. bottle is probably an easier - and more pleasant - way of going about it.

Of course, some questions remain unanswered: Is the blood in the bottle a special, sacred ritual-type of blood, or just plain old O+? Does it need to be given to you by a vampire, and if so, does it need to be in a rhinestone-encrusted 40 oz. bottle? Can you mix it with something? What kind of booze goes with blood? If you're reading this, Janice Fischer, feel free to respond in the comments below. Inquiring minds want to know.

Vampire Fact #6: They enjoy killing people.

Drinking blood out of a rhinestone-encrusted 40 oz. bottle is all well and good for ritual purposes, but it's a pale substitute for the real thing: fresh blood drained from a bunch of drunk party animals, preferably while they're listening to Aerosmith and spraying beer around a beachside bonfire.

But why limit yourself to the jugular vein? It may be a quick and easy way to feed, but it's also a bit tired and predictable, no? Traditions were made to be broken, and as a vampire who may very well live forever, you should do everything in your power to switch it up and keep things fresh. Why not try the Kiefer Sutherland approach (as demonstrated at 0:52) and simply bite through your victims' skulls? Remember: there's blood in there!

Vampire Fact #7: They can really do a number on your plumbing.

While the vampire's internal chemistry hasn't been studied extensively, there are clearly a number of significant physiological differences between them and mere mortals to bear in mind. For example, while the average person might describe being dunked into a bathtub full of garlic and holy water as "unpleasant" or "another day, another garlic-and-holy-water bath" (again, this all depends on who you ask), they probably aren't going to react particularly strongly to it. Vampires, on the other hand, will emit a bloodcurdling scream, their flesh will melt, blood will shoot out of all of your sinks and pipes, and your toilet will violently explode for no good reason whatsoever.

With that being said, you may want to avoid this method of vampire slaying altogether unless it can be executed in a kiddie pool in the backyard, or somewhere else that isn't hooked up to your house's pipes. After all, in these tough economic times, who wants to have to hire a plumber to scrape melted vampire out of their pipes?

Vampire Fact #8: Even vampires cry.

While they may be terrifying, aggressive, dangerous creatures of the night, it's important to remember that inside of every vampire is the tattered remains of the man he left behind (or woman, I guess, but let's face it - vampirism in 'The Lost Boys' is pretty much a total sausage party). And inside the man that's inside the vampire is a little boy, a scared little boy who lost his mommy and bursts into flames whenever he comes into contact with direct sunlight.

When dealing with a vampire encounter, it's important to keep this in mind and act accordingly. Start by calling him a "big boy," then offer him $5 to rake your leaves. Offer to give him some chocolate cake, too. Oh - and then when he's not looking, impale him on a wooden stake so that he dies. That's not a little boy - that's A FUCKING VAMPIRE!


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Ross Wolinsky

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