With all this talk lately about ‘Twilight’ and My Chemical Romance walking around all “wah wah wah cry cry cry,” kids these days probably think vampires are whiny douchebags. But if you’re my age, you learned everything you needed to know about vampires two decades ago from ‘The Lost Boys,’ a film in which vampires are a cross between the Goonies and ‘Ride the Lightning’-era Metallica. Consider school officially in session, kids. Here’s what you should really know about vampires.
And before you ask, yes, that IS Jack Bauer.
Most people think vampires spend all their time listening to Bauhaus and The Cure, but think about that for a second: If you’re going to live forever, do you really want to spend all of your time smoking cloves and letting Peter Murphy bum you out? What are you going to do? Slit your wrists and sit there watching them instantly heal over and over again for a few centuries? Yeah, great - sounds like a blast.
While it’s true that many vampires prefer to brood in the shadows, wearing black eye makeup and writing lame poetry about Autumn, there are just as many who prefer rocking out to the smooth stylings (and outrageous stage antics!) of famed saxophonist Tim Cappello. When you’re blessed with eternal youth you have two options: sit around and whine about it, or go out and PAR-TAY.
Like energy drinks and terrorists, vampires are totally extreme. Whether they’re rocking out to a sexy saxophone solo by Tim Cappello or riding their dirt bikes through a thick fog, vampires only live to get radical, so if you’re unfortunate enough - or fortunate enough, depending on how you look at it - to get mixed up in their shenanigans, best to buckle your seatbelt and hold on to your hat. Remember: They can’t die. How are you supposed to compete with that?
On the other hand, getting totally extreme can be an enriching experience. After you’ve almost fallen off a cliff trying to keep up with a bunch of vampires on dirt bikes, you’ll appreciate the tedium and monotony of your soul-sucking 9-5 job enough to stay away from all those crazy vampires for a while. Because c’mon - hanging out with vampires? What were you thinking anyway?
Like many supernatural creatures, vampires have special powers they can use to alter your perceptions in interesting ways. If you ever end up at a vampire rager, they might trick you into doing a beer bong that’s actually filled with whiskey. But then, when the whiskey actually gets to your mouth, it might turn out to be beer after all. They just made you think it was whiskey.
Or if you go to the movies with some vampires, they might be like, “Hey, let’s go see that new RomCom. All us vampires love RomComs,” and then when you buy the tickets they’ll be like, “Why’d you buy tickets to a RomCom?” Then you’ll be like, “I thought you guys said you’re all really into RomComs!” and they’ll be like, “Pfff… dude, we’re vampires. You think vampires are into RomComs? Whatever, man. Just go get us some popcorn.” Then when you get back with the popcorn they won’t even eat any, or they’ll say they only like their popcorn when it has blood on it or whatever.
I guess what I’m trying to say is “vampires are assholes.”
A lot of people like to hang out in bars and coffee shops. Homeless people hang out underneath highway overpasses. Children and pedophiles hang out near playgrounds, nerds hang out at the library, and recent immigrants go to these things called “cultural centers” that smell like weird meat and hold crappy dance parties on the weekends that you probably don’t want to attend. Vampires are different, though, and unlike most of us, they prefer the homey atmosphere that only the underside of a suspension bridge can provide - preferably one with a freight train passing directly overhead.
While unbelievably dangerous to the average mortal, dangling over a foggy, bottomless abyss provides the kind of “extreme” thrill that creatures of the night go, ahem, batty for. It’s reckless, it’s death-defying, and perhaps best of all, it puts them closer to that one thing vampires love most of all: a metric buttload of fog.
Common sense dictates that in order to become a vampire you must be bitten by one first. This is a common misconception, though, and while being bitten by a vampire certainly won’t hurt your chances of becoming one, taking a swig of blood out of a rhinestone-encrusted 40 oz. bottle is probably an easier - and more pleasant - way of going about it.
Of course, some questions remain unanswered: Is the blood in the bottle a special, sacred ritual-type of blood, or just plain old O+? Does it need to be given to you by a vampire, and if so, does it need to be in a rhinestone-encrusted 40 oz. bottle? Can you mix it with something? What kind of booze goes with blood? If you’re reading this, Janice Fischer, feel free to respond in the comments below. Inquiring minds want to know.
Drinking blood out of a rhinestone-encrusted 40 oz. bottle is all well and good for ritual purposes, but it’s a pale substitute for the real thing: fresh blood drained from a bunch of drunk party animals, preferably while they’re listening to Aerosmith and spraying beer around a beachside bonfire.
But why limit yourself to the jugular vein? It may be a quick and easy way to feed, but it’s also a bit tired and predictable, no? Traditions were made to be broken, and as a vampire who may very well live forever, you should do everything in your power to switch it up and keep things fresh. Why not try the Kiefer Sutherland approach (as demonstrated at 0:52) and simply bite through your victims’ skulls? Remember: there’s blood in there!
While the vampire’s internal chemistry hasn’t been studied extensively, there are clearly a number of significant physiological differences between them and mere mortals to bear in mind. For example, while the average person might describe being dunked into a bathtub full of garlic and holy water as “unpleasant” or “another day, another garlic-and-holy-water bath” (again, this all depends on who you ask), they probably aren’t going to react particularly strongly to it. Vampires, on the other hand, will emit a bloodcurdling scream, their flesh will melt, blood will shoot out of all of your sinks and pipes, and your toilet will violently explode for no good reason whatsoever.
With that being said, you may want to avoid this method of vampire slaying altogether unless it can be executed in a kiddie pool in the backyard, or somewhere else that isn’t hooked up to your house’s pipes. After all, in these tough economic times, who wants to have to hire a plumber to scrape melted vampire out of their pipes?
While they may be terrifying, aggressive, dangerous creatures of the night, it’s important to remember that inside of every vampire is the tattered remains of the man he left behind (or woman, I guess, but let’s face it - vampirism in ‘The Lost Boys’ is pretty much a total sausage party). And inside the man that’s inside the vampire is a little boy, a scared little boy who lost his mommy and bursts into flames whenever he comes into contact with direct sunlight.
When dealing with a vampire encounter, it’s important to keep this in mind and act accordingly. Start by calling him a “big boy,” then offer him $5 to rake your leaves. Offer to give him some chocolate cake, too. Oh - and then when he’s not looking, impale him on a wooden stake so that he dies. That’s not a little boy - that’s A FUCKING VAMPIRE!
BONUS ITEM!
At about 25 minutes into The Lost Boys, Corey Haim puts something in his closet and shuts the door. His closet door is only on the screen for a few seconds, but what’s hanging up on his closet door has baffled me for over two decades now:
Apparently Corey Haim’s character is supposed to be really into Rob Lowe. Either that or this happened:
Set Designer: Oh, and we’ll need some posters for his wall. You know - like stuff a teenage boy would hang up in his room.
Assistant: (holding up sexy Rob Lowe poster) Like this?
Set Designer: Whatever. Let’s go eat.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 3rd, 2008 at 9:00 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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June 12th, 2009 at 8:39 am
Man ive always loved vampires, they were so badass with all the killing and stalking the night etc. but now the twilight films have ruined them for everyone except pre-teen girls. I have always loved Lost Boys, and the Underworld movies.
June 10th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
Oh, my fucking god. Alex “Bill” Winters, played a vampire in Lost Boys, chock full of awesome vampire movie. Alex sinks into an obscurity only rivaled by Jeanne Claude Van Damme. Keanu “Ted” Reeves played pussy wimp Brit Johnathan Harker in the 1992 turd Bram Stoker’s Dracula, becomes one of the top paid actors, despite his handicap of not being able to act. Vampire descrimination?
Oh, and don’t bother watching the movie, while the plot summary at IMDB sounds awesome, “The Vampire comes to England to seduce a visitors (Keanu Reeve’s) finacee and inflict havoc in the foreign land”, the movie blows, not even Gary Oldman as Dracula or Anthony Hopkins as Van Helsing could save it.
And aren’t we all forgetting the absolute one essential that every vampire since Dracula has lacked, a psychopathic, bug eating lackey, long live Renfield.
May 23rd, 2009 at 6:10 am
@Daufiero: the dark haired vampires name is dwayne.
seriously, it says so in the credits xD
apart from that… epic article.
lost boys is the greatest vampire film EVER. mainly becase of the hair, music and oh-so-subtle homo-eroticism, but isn’t that what the 80’s were about?!
and one last thing… where’s ross? is he ever coming bck?~
May 7th, 2009 at 11:32 am
Part of the issue of why modern vampires suck (in the bad way) is that they have strayed away from their roots; specifically, the Biblical symbolisms involved. Now, they have become “Humans in Funny Suits.”
April 19th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
This article kicked major ass. I love the lost boys, and agree there have been no new real good vampire flicks in awhile. Fright night was also a tremendous flick. Enjoy it bunches, keep on trucking with your cool articles Cracked!!!
April 9th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
WHAT HAPPENED TO WOLINSKY?
April 7th, 2009 at 1:07 am
(lol) i remember rob lowe!
March 14th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
[...] we refer comes when Sam opens his not-at-all-metaphorical closet, resulting in a shot which has led to years of speculation by experts. That’s Rob Lowe, [...]
March 14th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
[...] The moment to which we refer comes when Sam opens his not-at-all-metaphorical closet, resulting in a shot which has led to years of speculation by experts. [...]
March 8th, 2009 at 11:20 am
The Lost Boys was the first movie I ever saw, before Aladdin, before Beauty and the Beast; thanks to my big sister. This IS my favourite movie ever!!
I haven’t found a vampire movie that has come close to The Lost Boys and when I heard about The Lost Boys 2, I was excited, then I saw the trailer. Not Good, just simply not good.
But I think Tomas Alfredson’s Let The Right One In will hopefully bring a new breath of life to the Vampire Horror genre, if stills and the trailer are anything to go by.
As for Twilight…LOL. I can see why so many young teenage girls would love it, especially the movie; pretty boys, romance, etc. BUT for me, it’s just not what I want in a Vampire movie. I want gritty dialogue, i want passion, I want blood and gore, not a tame teen vampire romeo and juliet movie. The Lost Boys is a classic and I love it!
March 8th, 2009 at 1:11 am
Maryland_Belle… i’ve been part of the black-and-trenchcoat-sporting-group for over ten years now, grew up on the likes of the Lost Boys– and well, when i see folks like you at the local beloved weirdo-club sporting Twilight hoodies and spelling it “vampyres” i laugh hysterically at the n00bs. which might not be entirely fair because we were all new at one time, but seriously, using the “Old English” spelling seriously just makes ya look like a douche. it’s one of those things people use to make themselves look like they know something when most of the people around them just get another excuse to roll their eyes.
also, the reason i dislike Twilight and many of the newer vampire stories so much– the main reasons vampires became sexy was because of their dangerous factors, and because death and blood have archetypal connections to sex. if you make the sexuality primary and the danger secondary and involve the word “vegetarian” in it in any way, you neuter the appeal. women always go for the bad boy. if the God Of Dependability wanted her she’d be like “you’re so sweet, but I think of you as a friend…” the God Of War shows up and it’s “hey, you’re cute…”
March 1st, 2009 at 6:28 pm
2 fucking decades of Rob Lowe hanging nightmares? sounds horrible.
February 27th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
Apparently, vampires also like to say “Michael” a lot.
February 27th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
Wah wah wah, I have to insult My Chemical Romance to prove my masculinity.
Twilight is pretty much utterly shit, though.
Otherwise, this article is pretty awesome. I’ll have to look into The Lost Boys at some point, dammit. I keep forgetting about that.
February 27th, 2009 at 9:08 am
@Eric: No, Twilight was. At least Anne Rice Vampires had character depth, despite how overwhelmingly gay they were. They would still take breaks from their poetry reading to kick a little ass.
February 27th, 2009 at 7:42 am
@Erin: Anne Rice was the worst thing to happen to vampires
February 17th, 2009 at 10:07 pm
Man I love this movie! Awesome site, this and Interview with the Vampire are my fav. movies of all time!
February 2nd, 2009 at 12:07 pm
I had to buy it. I don’t know why I’ve never seen this movie but god damn it, I had to buy it right after this article. The Lost Boys looks amazing.
On a side note-
Twilight is dreadful. I disliked the books and the movie is brainwashing. My friend had to get me out of the “ooooh sparkly…” because it was enthralling. I felt mind-raped, drugged, and oh-so-dirty after that movie.
Back on topic -
I love this site, it’s my first comment here but I think it is well worth my time to comment. =) Thanks for all the articles.
Love from,
Kimmie
February 1st, 2009 at 5:49 pm
Are they vampires or a my chemical romance tribute band? I joke, I joke it’s the best vamp film ever made. It’s just so damm 80’s
January 28th, 2009 at 2:08 am
30 Days of Night
January 21st, 2009 at 10:02 am
ok i know you guys are talking movies here and The Lost Boys is kickass but you should read Crimson Kisses. that is the most awesome vampire book i have ever read!!! it rocks!
January 19th, 2009 at 9:35 am
Helloooo? Ross? You there buddy? Haven’t seen anything new from you in a while.
To paraphrase a comment I left on DOB’s last article: “Is there someplace we should be sending you Get Well/Condolence/I Hope The Shrink Takes You Off Mellaril Soon cards…
…or did you just quietly get a “real” job somewhere else?”
Not to agree with jim bob boby( his comment appears to be from an illiterate twit), but it would be a shame if this article, excellent as it is, was your last contribution to Cracked. You should at least have the opportunity to receive the same howling laments at your leaving that G-Stone did.
January 17th, 2009 at 6:06 am
lol you are all nerds wathchin shitty vampires the vid is crap all vampire movies are shit and so is your face lol
December 30th, 2008 at 11:02 am
Warning!!! Scuba diving may contain bubbles.
December 30th, 2008 at 10:59 am
twilight was pure concentrated shite
December 30th, 2008 at 12:32 am
The Lost Boys has always been one of my all-time fav films. When it first came out I went to the movies once a week with my mates to sit in the back row, swigging cheap booze out of coke cups and throwing popcorn and jaffa’s at inconsiderate assholes who talked all the way through about whatever inconsiderate assholes talk about in cinemas… I’m sorry, what was I talking about? Oh right - ok so yeah, we went every week until it was eventually taken off the big screen and I swear I’d do it all again! But if you’re a fan and you’ve ever been tempted to watch the er-hem “sequel”, DONT! DONT GO THERE, DONT BOTHER, BE WARNED! Its worthless crud and not worth the downloads and CERTAINLY not worth the rental dollars….. just so ya know.
December 27th, 2008 at 8:36 pm
haha…. im 15 and LOST BOYS are the SHIT!!!! and always will be ….
but i also like twilight haha =D nothing like the vampire romance ^_^
XxXfuck you twilight hatersXxX
O.0
December 15th, 2008 at 9:38 pm
Wow Onion3000…Were you seriously serious? Like, Ted? Keanu Reeves?
Best lead vampire- David, of course. But I’d way rather meet Dwayne. W-O-W.
December 11th, 2008 at 11:30 am
Wallsy (again):
Okay…based off of movie perceptions, Vampyres are supposted to be sexy. Dusk Till Dawn, any adaptations of Anne Rice novels, stupid Twilight movie (dude, the one playing the bad guy was pretty hot), HBO series…all have sexy ass Vampyres. That’s not to say that they can’t be creepy too. I mean, shit. We’re dealing with someone who wants to kill you and drink your blood. But the whole persona…the mystery, differentness (is that a word?), immortality…that is why Vampyres are sexy.
Oh, and another thing…you say I can’t spell. Ever heard of old english, dumbass?
December 11th, 2008 at 7:37 am
Corey Feldman? Pencil Case?! That is so wrong Caitlin.. what an Epic High-School-Crush-Fail. And what exactly did you do to those girls? You sound scary, I sure hope I never wind up in your bad books…
December 11th, 2008 at 7:09 am
I had the HUGEST crush on Corey Feldman in High School. He was so adorable in this movie. The popular girls at school used to tease me because of my Corey Feldman pencil case. But I made them pay in the end.. they seriously paid.
December 9th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Amy,
I know your pain. I too work in a bookstore, and have to deal with hordes of teenagers and middle aged women asking for the “Twilight” books every 5 fucking seconds. It’s incredibly irritating. It’s even more irritating since the movie came out (our location is right next to a movie theater) and all the drooling, starry eyed, prepubescent girls come in (with their moms after having watched the movie) and fondle the MTI covers with that dudes face on them, squeal when they see the cover of Entertainment Weekly, and buy every piece of collectible garbage they can (IE Twilight themed bookends and chess sets). I hate it so much. It’s consumed half of our staff, and I think it’s the bane of my existance (at least inside of the workplace).
I even wrote a haiku about how much I dislike the books and trend.
“Stephenie Meyer,
I cannot stand your writing.
Give up your career.
No more Twilight books!
I vow to eviscerate,
you if you write more.
Burn them in protest!
It’s literary garbage!
Vampire romance sucks.”
Yeah.
December 9th, 2008 at 7:50 am
Did you ever posted your profile on a celebrity and millionaire dating site called
—-W e a l t h y s o u l M a t e .C O M —
I saw your profile there few weeks
ago.
December 8th, 2008 at 8:36 pm
Where the hell is Onion 3000’s comment?
The Lost Boys is my fav movie!
It’s got an awesome soundtrack too! The Doors, Tom G mac e.t.c.
lol.
I thought Corey Haim was one of the frogg brothers?
December 8th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
Vampire Fact #4:
They like to hang out under bridges.
They must be playing “Bridge” with the Trolls that hang out down there.
December 8th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
God, there is sooooo much error with Onion3000’s comment. I’m not even going to touch it.
December 8th, 2008 at 9:01 am
I have been reading and watching whatever Vamp stuff I can for most of my life (I’m 36). Vampire are supposed to be scary and yes, they can be sexy if having an eternally young powerful being deeply in love with you is your thing (it’s mine). BUT This Twilight insanity has broken my spirit. I work in a bookstore and I cannot escape the insanity. I want to cry tears of blood every time someone comes in and asks for it (every six minutes).
PLease, just tell me it will eventually end. Another three books to go, by my calculations means about another 3-4 years of anticipation for the movies…but after that, all will be returned to normal, right? RIGHT???
December 8th, 2008 at 6:46 am
@Ross - As this is my favourite movie of all time, I feel compelled to ensure all my friends have seen it when they come around to mine - however, we too are extremely confused by the Rob Lowe poster.
Anway, I - the seventeen year old - can safely say that Twilight has nothing on the great classics such as The Lost Boys. Yes, this movie was made before I was born, but it is still my favourite. This is the way vampires are supposed to be - Human-blood-sucking party animals, not “vegetarian” I’m-so-depressed-I-get-to-be-17-for-the-rest-of-my-life-ho-hum. *rolls eyes*
PS: Good thing David found time to shave after he was impaled.
December 8th, 2008 at 6:11 am
@Ross -
Man, I’m completely with you on the Rob Lowe poster. Every time I watch that movie, which is usually whenever it’s on HBO or whatever, I say “WHAT THE FUCK?!?” when I see it… Couple that with his wardrobe and I’d almost say a couple of gay guys were in charge of Corey Haim’s character design were having a bit of fun with the audience… Look at that fucking bath robe thing they made him wear at the comic book shop!
December 8th, 2008 at 3:34 am
Thanks, Mr. B! I did catch part of “Blade” but must have missed that bit.
December 8th, 2008 at 1:11 am
Oh, yes, and I forgot to second “Wallsy”.
“Maryland-Belle” - Vampires are, indeed, supposed to be scary…but that doesn’t mean they can’t be sexy, as well. It’s actually more strange that some of us weirdos would consider vampires sexy at all. I mean…they’re dead. Plus, they kill people and suck their blood…
If anyone hasn’t seen the show on HBO called True Blood…you have to look it up. It’s based on books and it’s really good so far. There’s plenty of scary and sexy for everyone. Also, there’s comedy and suspense.
My only complaint: Too many sex scenes! *yawn* I get it already! Sex sells! I’m not against them or anything, but it’s getting old.
DISCLAIMER: True Blood is not for people under 17 (obviously)
December 8th, 2008 at 1:00 am
“The Lost Boys” was awesome! I watched that movie like a hundred times. If you try to watch it as a serious vampire movie, you won’t like it. It was just hilarious and entertaining.
I remember Kiefer Sutherland (Jack Bauer). He was actually the bad boy in it. The leader of the pack, if you will. I was young enough to be totally crushing on Corey Haim, though.
I still haven’t decided whether or not to see The Lost Boys 2…I think I’ll wait to hear what people say. I don’t want to ruin the memories of one of my favorite child time movies, by seeing them slaughter it in a sequel. If they made it all emo, I’ll definitely despise it.
I’m so glad this ridiculous emo thing is going around, before my kids start school. Hopefully being a nasty slut will phase out, too. Do kids even realize how bad STDs are going around? My daughter is too outgoing (and pretty) to be influenced by that. >,<
As for the Rob Lowe poster, I didn’t even remember that. I seem to remember that “The Lost Boys” was originally intended to be about female vampires. (I would assume that was before the title was made.) I don’t know if that’s true, or if it had anything to do with it. Boys didn’t usually hang posters of hot, young men, posing on their wall, AFAIK.
December 7th, 2008 at 7:39 pm
[...] concorrentes do iTunes 7) Heroes poderia ser salva com spin-offs que substituiriam a série?
8 coisas que aprendi sobre vampiros em Garotos Perdidos 9) Obama promete banda larga para todos nos EUA 10) Revista Mad de dezembro satiriza a menina [...]
December 7th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
amazing.
and on your last point- i once had an hour long argument about whether that poster was a man or a woman. i knew it was a guy, i just had no idea who it was.
i’m gonna give the people who put the movie together some credit on that one and imagine that they thought it would be totally hilarious to put that poster up. i mean for christ’s sake, look at the rest of the film. they had to know what they were doing was comedic genius.
December 7th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Excellent. I’ve never heard of “The Lost Boys”, and while it’s pretty freaking creepy that Jack Bauer was the main vampire (seriously, WTF) it seems like an…interesting movie.
Maryland_Belle, the best kinds of vampires are the dangerous ones. Sure, the sexy ones are good (Edward Cullen, by the way, is NOT sexy) but danger’s the name of the game with supernatural beasts.
Besides, all good vampires emo out to Linkin Park, dontcha know.
December 7th, 2008 at 8:03 am
I just found some of her photos on another rich men seeking fun site****** W e a l t h y s o u l M a t e .C O M ********** but my question is what she is doing with such a
service. She wanna a rich men ? terrible
December 6th, 2008 at 11:49 pm
Maryland_Belle, you can’t spell and you know nothing of vampires.
December 6th, 2008 at 3:59 am
She is a sexy lady. Her husband and she were said to be invited to an interview by a luxury millionaire&celebrity dating site … W e a l t h y s o u l M a t e .C O M … That sounds crazy!!
December 6th, 2008 at 12:37 am
COMALite J: In the first installment of the Blade series (and the only worthwhile one at that), they managed to wander out into the sun a couple times by wearing sunblock, as well as leather outfits and motorcycle helmets with dark-tinted visors.
December 5th, 2008 at 10:56 am
[...] UPDATE: Heres some fun news for Vampire fans, old and new. [...]
December 5th, 2008 at 8:16 am
I just found some of he photos on another rich woman seeking fun site****** W e a l t h y s o u l M a t e .C O M ********** , but my question is what he is doing with such a service.
December 5th, 2008 at 8:05 am
So…Vampyres and the homeless apparently have a lot in common? At least, the hanging out under bridges down sections.
Oh, and Wallsy? Vampyres are supposted to be sexy, not scary. Well, except for Nosforatu (sp?). That was just creepy.
December 5th, 2008 at 4:41 am
I haven’t kept up with the recent vampire flicks (to me, “recent” menas “pretty much anything after Bela Lugosi”), though I did catch the occasional episode of Buffy and Angel (never really got into either series).
So, some questions for the vampire experts out there.
• Did ANY of them EVER think to use really high SPF sunblock!?
• I can understand why (in the older movies, anyway) a vampire would be invisible in a mirror (no soul to reflect). But why are their CLOTHES invisible? Aren’t they just ordinary clothes? Perhaps not, since they do also seem to go with them when they transform into bats, wolves, and mist. What exactly is vampire cloth made of, anyway? Wool from vampire sheep? Cotton that has been bitten by other vampire cotton? How would vampire nylon, rayon, polyester, or vinyl work? Petrochemicals derived from petroleum formed from the remains of vampire blue-green algæ and dinosaurs?
December 4th, 2008 at 11:51 pm
Firstly, I have to agree about the lame-arse modern vampires. Ooh, living forever is such a torment. Speaking as someone likely to die at some point, shut the fuck up you wankers. I would literally kill to live forever.
But I actually watched The Lost Boys for the first time quite recently, and it’s pretty lame. It suffers from being way too much of an ’80s movie. They made great action movies in the ’80s and some decent comedies, but the ’80s style just does not suit a vampire movie. The only good parts of it were the saxophone dude and the grandpa’s final line.
But yeah, vampires need to suck it up and stop being such whiny bitches. You’re supposed to be scaring me, dammit, not making me want to put you out of your misery.
Oh, and I’ve both read and watched Interview With the Vampire, and I thought that the movie was perfectly fine, except for the ending. Also, Buffy the Vampire Slayer was a great movie and an alright TV show.
December 4th, 2008 at 10:46 pm
Yeah, Twilight vampires are pretty much the saddest excuse for vampires ever. I miss when they were horrible hideous bloodsucking fiends that could turn into bats and be warded away with garlic or a cross and burst into flame on contact with direct sunlight.
December 4th, 2008 at 9:36 pm
That’s a very sexy Rob Lowe poster. You can’t blame him for having it.
December 4th, 2008 at 8:06 pm
Woman SCARED TO DEATH of balloons… haha what a freak!
http://www.tokillfor.com/view_video.php?viewkey=62d463fd67c8d182f12d&page=3&viewtype=&category=mr
December 4th, 2008 at 7:39 pm
[...] 8 Things Modern Vampires Could Learn From ’The Lost Boys’ [...]
December 4th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
My Chemical Romance sucks ass. Panic, I hope you die Arius’s death.
December 4th, 2008 at 6:32 pm
[...] amused more than anything. I also agree with Ross Wolinsky that there are at least 8 Things Modern Vampires Could Learn From The Lost Boys. I’m just [...]
December 4th, 2008 at 5:48 pm
Are you fucking kidding me?
My Chemical Romance is the greatest. Ever. I hope you suffer penis and testicular cancer, Mr. Writer man…..
December 4th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
SO true - if I have to hear one more thing about Twilight I’m going to die, and not in the good “Corey Haim’s HOT older brother turned me into a vampire way”… BEST. MOVIE. EVER! (and the whole reason I love Vampire stories! - Right ON!
December 4th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
[...] 8 Things Modern Vampires Could Learn From ’The Lost Boys’ | Cracked.com. [...]
December 4th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
Lost Boys rules! It was very cool to be a kid/teenager in the 80s, it was a much more reckless decade. “Safe” was a word related only to sex, now the kids do everything safe. Lame. Even the name of the decade is lame: the 00s.
December 4th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
That poster still bothers me.
Great movie otherwise. One of my favorites.
December 4th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
luckylostie–they were appalling because they were unnecesary to the story line and usually detracted from it. don’t start flaming, i don’t care what other dudes do with their penises.
the first movie was garbage because Anne Rice herself didn’t originally think Cruise would be able to pull off the part, and it didn’t follow the book well enough to make it worth the watch. Have you even read the books?
December 4th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
My favorite thing about The Lost Boys is when Grandpa opens up his fridge and therein lies a delicious-now extinct treat of Boppers - peanut butter rolled in rice crispies & chocolate. Those were the days…otherwise, lame post.
December 4th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Yeah!!!
We need vampire bad guys again not whiny-ass emo douchebag anti-heroes.
December 4th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
See…exactly, that’s how vampires should be. With their cool 80s hair…I mean, what?
Ahem.
Emo vampires are so dull. And….just say no to sparkly vampires. For the love of God, say no!
….And, yes, the Rob Lowe poster has bothered me for quite some time!
December 4th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
ROSS! You are my hero! I had this movie and at one time knew every word by heart and I never, EVER noticed the fucking Rob Lowe poster! You surprised a laugh right out of me — I’m sending the link to my sister (who was even more into it than I was).
Dear god, young Jason Patrick was so beautiful…
And this is Corey Feldman’s best movie. If only he spoke so little in his other films…
December 4th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
I saw this when I was 16/17 and completely fell in love with Jason Patric (so much so that I repeatedly watch The Lost Boys, once it came out on VHS).
As for the whole “blood in a gem-encrusted 40 ouncer” thing - the blood was the beginning of the rites, but the process would not be completed until the person made their first kill and since Michael was still human, he fought against moral ethics of killing people.
That scene, in particular, is my favorite - for the music and the whole “ooooh, he’s being a bad, bad sexy boy” thing. If you haven’t gotten the soundtrack for The Lost Boys, get it, because it phenomenally rocks (I own it on audio cassette, that’s right, I said it, AUDIO CASSETTE.)
Yeah….like I said, I’ve seen this movie way too many times.
December 4th, 2008 at 11:26 am
[...] Link: 8 Things Modern Vampires Could Learn From ’The Lost Boys’ [...]
December 4th, 2008 at 10:48 am
Every time I see that movie as an adult (most recently, last month), I wonder about that Rob Lowe poster! Somehow it didn’t bother me in the 80s.
December 4th, 2008 at 10:46 am
I’m 17 but I’ve the first Lost Boys movie at least three times and I got to say I love it. I have read Twilight and will see it soon, but I do agree that Twilight isn’t the material that turned me on to vampires. If anything, true vamp fans will most likely be disappointed by the civility of the “vegetarian” vampire.
December 4th, 2008 at 10:41 am
“Do you want to see a vampire/kung fu flick”
Oh, you mean The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires?
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0070297/
December 4th, 2008 at 9:00 am
good point Lost Boys 2 was pretty good. it kept the same points and they were dicks to each other and other vampires.
December 4th, 2008 at 8:12 am
She is fabulous. Love her dress. I just found her hot photos on a celeb and millionaire dating site ****** W e a l t h y s o u l M a t e .C O M ********** It’s said there are
lots of models or even hoollywood star on that site. The rumor says Charlie Sheen found his love on that site last May.
December 4th, 2008 at 4:40 am
[...] read more | digg story [...]
December 4th, 2008 at 4:23 am
Hey onion3000, you mean Alex Winter? Look him up.
December 4th, 2008 at 3:49 am
I hate hipsters, especially fat slovenly hipsters like you, Wolinsky.
December 4th, 2008 at 3:43 am
I am such a big fan of you since last year. Wish everything goes well for you. Can you do me one favor? just tell me is it you on ====W e a l t h y s o u l M a t e .C O M ===
December 4th, 2008 at 2:23 am
I’m with you on everything right to the end.
I’m pretty sure that the teenage kid has a Rob Lowe poster in his room is because the movie is directed by Joel Schumacher, who is (let’s be honest) about the gayest man working in Hollywood today.
Seriously. Bat-nipples. And an entirely unnecessary amount of camera time for greased-up buff saxophonist.
December 4th, 2008 at 1:15 am
Hit the nail on the head with this article.
But still, I see your “Lost Boys” and I’ll raise you “Fright Night” anyday.
December 4th, 2008 at 12:38 am
So what you’re saying is, Jack Bauer didn’t get acne, a broken voice and poor coordination? He just became a rad vampire kid with a dirt bike - until puberty was over, anyway. Then he grew up.
That’s a point of view I can really get behind.
December 4th, 2008 at 12:22 am
The Lost Boys is by far the best vampire flick in existence. while many would argue blade and that other movie where the Lady vamp sleeps with werewolves(LAME LAME LAME…AND DID I MENTION: LAME!!)is, I’d have to argue this point: Do you want to see a vampire/kung fu flick (8th degree black belt vamps just don’t cut it for the kid)or would you rather see some “smash and grab”, bite into your brain, all out vampire brawl flick? I prefer the latter. And Keifer is the best vampire ever. PERIOD.
December 4th, 2008 at 12:05 am
I love The Lost Boys since I am an eighties child but I never noticed the damned Rob Lowe poster…..or….maybe I did and just wanted to block it out. Either way, I’m still disturbed!
December 3rd, 2008 at 11:51 pm
@ 12 Pack - Why are homosexual overtones “appalling”? And since when is Interview with the Vampire a bad movie just because Tom Cruise isn’t quite the right height? Have you seen Lord of the Rings? Did you know that Elijah Wood isn’t really four feet tall?
I guess what I’m saying is, yes, you just revealed how much of a loser you are.
December 3rd, 2008 at 11:07 pm
Everyone keeps saying how this film had Bill Preston Esq in it - at least he had a career after “Bill And Ted”! What happened to his dumbass pal?
December 3rd, 2008 at 10:49 pm
Yep!!Screw”Twilight”!!If It’s Gonna Be a Vampire Flick,It Ain’t A Vampire Flick Unless You’ve Got Buffy Sommers;Perfesser Van Helsing or Ol’Drac Hisself!!
Otherwise,Go Home and Play Your”My Chemical Romance”or”Death Cab For Cutie”CD’s Until The Rednecks Downstairs Blast You with Some Stevie Ray Vaughan or Syknrd Instead!!
December 3rd, 2008 at 10:26 pm
Having once worked in set design, I can tell you that posters and stuff like that usually go to the props department, but they’re all lame and boring. More likely a joke snuck in at the last second, everyone had a good laugh and they’re like “Ok, let’s do the real shot now. Guys? Aww, c’mon people!” And that was that.
December 3rd, 2008 at 10:15 pm
Through all the skull biting, blood geysers, and maggot eating, the Rob Lowe poster was always the part that disturbed me the most too. Tossing and turning all night, wondering why? Why would Cory Haim have a picture of a half naked Rob Lowe?
December 3rd, 2008 at 9:24 pm
The Rob Lowe bit will keep me laughing for days.
December 3rd, 2008 at 9:14 pm
Man, Anne Rice’s vampires were totally fucking badass, even if they were bisexual.
December 3rd, 2008 at 9:05 pm
When you said “they mess up your plumbing,” I thought you were talking about something else.
December 3rd, 2008 at 8:28 pm
Exactly how much is a metric buttload of fog?
And the Rob Lowe bit - LOL
December 3rd, 2008 at 7:50 pm
I agree that we need more badass vampires in cinema. The good news? A Cirque Du Freak movie is coming out soon and a character in CDF, Vancha March, is one of the most hardcore vampires ever.
December 3rd, 2008 at 7:44 pm
Wolinsky,
You’re awful damn curious about that 40 oz bottle, you writin’ a book?
December 3rd, 2008 at 7:35 pm
I’m going to go with the concensus here and say that vampires need a return to form. That form should preferably be something with a slicked-back mullet, much like Kiefer is sporting in this movie.
You can have your sun allergies, your fangs, and your gruesome bloodsucking sausagefests, all I really want from today’s vampires is a slicked-back mullet.
December 3rd, 2008 at 7:29 pm
I’ve just revealed how much of a loser I am, haven’t I?
December 3rd, 2008 at 7:28 pm
i think the rob lowe poster is easily explained by the fact the movie was directed by Joel Schumacher, of Batman + rubber tits fame. Need I say more?
December 3rd, 2008 at 7:27 pm
I think everyone is confusing Anne Rice’s vampires a bit. The books, although appallingly littered with homosexual overtones, were still full of some bad ass vampires and the series didn’t really start falling apart until around the Pandora/The Vampire Armand books when she started intertwining The Vampire Chronicles with The Lives of the Mayfair Witches.
The movies were complete shit any way you look at them and ruined whatever hope anyone would have of making her books look good. Including the first one with that pussy Tom Cruise (5 foot 7 inches tall) playing a character who is supposed to be 6 feet.
So yes, they are whiny and lame, but I think everyone should try and remember them from when there were fiery apocalypses and blood orgies like in Queen of The Damned (book not movie, remember) just as we like to think of Metallica the way Ross stated in the article–Ride the Lightning era, not the lame-o St. Anger days (also whiny and lame).
December 3rd, 2008 at 7:15 pm
Dear Ross,
Have I mentioned how much I love you today?
Just curious.
December 3rd, 2008 at 6:59 pm
I totally used to wonder the same thing about the Rob Lowe poster!!
December 3rd, 2008 at 6:54 pm
seriously - skull blood, you really can’t get anymore bad ass than that……this article slayed me almost as much as the dark haired guy who’s name they never say slayed me as a 12 yr old girl
December 3rd, 2008 at 6:53 pm
Wow, I think you hit the nail right on the head!
jess
http://www.Privacy-Center.net
December 3rd, 2008 at 6:50 pm
OH MY GOODNESS I thought I was alone in the world RE Twilight!
It destroyed everything a vampire should be.
Blood thirsty, unremorseful, hard to kill, awesome style and oh so very, very bad. And uber sexy. Allergic to sunlight (Blade was a notable exception), for instance, very important.
VAMPIRES SKIN DOES NOT SHINE LIKE GODDAMNED DIAMONDS IN THE GODDAMNED SUN GO FECK YOURSELF!!!!!
Ah the Lost Boys… Own it. Love it. Love to be in it.
December 3rd, 2008 at 6:48 pm
Oh yeah don’t forget the curly-haired lost boy (”Marco” if I remember right) is also Bill S. Preston Esquire in the Bill & Ted movies
December 3rd, 2008 at 6:23 pm
Fuck yes!! Those whiny douchebag vampires all started with Anne Rice, I think. We need more kickass violent vampires and the 1980’s Coreys to destroy them. DEATH BY STEREO!!!
December 3rd, 2008 at 6:18 pm
This post has it right. When you live forever why put up with the crap of a normal relationship/love? We all wanted the Lost Boys as they were just like the bad boys at school you are supposed to stay away from - dangerous, wild and free. And they weren’t the kind of girly pre-pubescent boys the likes of Leonardo DiCapio, Justin Timberlake etc. who don’t even look they have ever needed to shave - YUCK These ‘boys’ were manly hot.
Trivia note, the guy in the movie who starts turning into a vamp, Jason Patric, was the guy Julia Roberts ran away with when her engagement to Kiefer Sutherland (also in the move) broke off…..
December 3rd, 2008 at 6:02 pm
Not one goddamn vamp-mullet reference? A vampire’s Sampson- like strength, emminates from his mullet, only Lost Boys got that right.
December 3rd, 2008 at 5:50 pm
I’m sorry but if you saw a poster like that on some guy’s wall you’d be convinced there is nothing even remotely heterosexual going on in there.
December 3rd, 2008 at 5:49 pm
From Dusk til Dawn was pretty good, I love watching vampires get killed. But on the other hand Willem Dafoe was pretty damn funny as Nosferatu.
December 3rd, 2008 at 5:44 pm
Rob Lowe, Born to Shop, Puzzling? It was directed by Joel Schumacher…he’s a huge ‘MO!!! Sam is gayyyyyyy.
December 3rd, 2008 at 5:43 pm
Wolfy;
I enjoy true blood, but i disagree.
Tom Cruise alone can easily pwn those Southern gentlemen pansy-ass vampires.
December 3rd, 2008 at 5:43 pm
The vampires in the blade movies were pretty badass too. I think I’d have to give them a pass for being assholes, if I was alive for 100s of years and had to deal with countless humans, many of which I didn’t kill, I’d be an asshole too.
December 3rd, 2008 at 5:37 pm
MICHAEL!!!
December 3rd, 2008 at 5:35 pm
Everyone should read Dracula. It makes every other vampire story look ridiculous.
December 3rd, 2008 at 5:21 pm
The only thing that could make it more extreme is if the lighthouse suddenly and inexplicably exploded right after they stopped at the edge of the cliff.
December 3rd, 2008 at 5:13 pm
Have none of you seen True Blood? Or read the series based off of it? It KICKS Anne Rice vampires in the balls and leaves them crying while the main two characters go at it like a pair of rabbits! Not to mention all the nudity, drugs, fun stuff that happens! (And, of course, we can’t forget the crazy naked lady who was standing in the middle of the road next to a red pig o_O)
December 3rd, 2008 at 4:57 pm
If you’re in NYC this weekend, there’s going to be a killer midnight showing of the original. I will be there with my brood of Corey-loving, “I Still Believe” singing gal pals. Though the sloppy drunk wait in line promises to only be half as entertaining as the movie, I strongly recommend going…
December 3rd, 2008 at 4:50 pm
Cory power!!
December 3rd, 2008 at 4:41 pm
A German restaurant my family visits in the Catskills has that same poster of Rob Lowe haning in the women’s room. I knew I had seen it somewhere else!
December 3rd, 2008 at 4:22 pm
Aww you left out the “death by stereo” scene!
I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed this article!
December 3rd, 2008 at 3:57 pm
One of the best things I have ever read. You win, Ross.
December 3rd, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Makes me want to watch the lost boys again - something I haven’t done in years… Thanks (I think…)
December 3rd, 2008 at 3:42 pm
“Lost Boys” is fantastic. Kick ass to see vampires the badasses they should be instead of those effemanant whining pussies Anne Rice made them into!
December 3rd, 2008 at 3:30 pm
Awesome awesome send up. The “Lost Boys” is the best vampire movie of them all, for all the reasons you mention and more.
I thought i was the only one who also wondered about that Rob Lowe poster in Corey Haim’s room. LoL. Nice to know i wasn’t alone on that one.
Too bad Corey Haim is a “lost cause” now. (you know with drugs and all) He has some sort of reality tv show and he looks freaked up.
December 3rd, 2008 at 3:26 pm
This is the most awesome article ever written… so funny, I almost fell over in my chair, then I would have some explaining to do at work.
December 3rd, 2008 at 3:24 pm
Ah, the good ol’ days…I’m all nostalgic now. I haven’t seen “The Lost Boys” in such a long time, but when my best friend and I were in 8th grade, we watched this movie practically every single day. We knew all the words and slo-mo’d all the “sexy” parts. Oh, Kiefer! We both wanted to move to Santa Carla and hang out on the beach with these guys.
This is the vampire movie of all vampire movies. I like my vampires sexy, tough, hot, wild, dressed in leather and riding motorcycles! They just don’t make ‘em like this anymore…
December 3rd, 2008 at 3:10 pm
Near Dark was awesome. I also liked Night Watch (vampire-related), Shadow of the Vampire, From Dusk ‘Til Dawn. These movies showed vampires to be killing machines with great taste in music.
I still wonder about the 200-odd year old vampire in Twilight who’s romancing a teenager. Creepy pedophile.
December 3rd, 2008 at 3:09 pm
@Coreyfan…don’t bother renting it. It’s already on TNT, as all high quality movies tend to be.
December 3rd, 2008 at 3:00 pm
Don’t know if it was mentioned in any of the posts before this but a sequel came out a with the triumphant return of Corey Feldman.
The Lost Boys 2: The Last Tribe.
Now, I very much want to see this but haven’t yet had the courage to walk up the the store counter holding it in my hand and saying, “Yes, please. Charge this to my account.”
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:52 pm
@ CoMa7oSe - Bill, not Ted. And it was mentioned three times already.
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:30 pm
This article isn’t very good, and really not funny. The one joke you tried to make (over and over): that modern vampires are whiney, cry-babies compared to The Lost Boys is completely ruined by adding #8 “Even Vampires Cry”
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Isn’t Cory Haim also wearing a ‘love to shop’ t shirt at one point?
Puzzling.
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:21 pm
The twighlight books are actually pretty good. its an interesting different take on the vampire genre…I havent seen the movie but heard it SUCKS ASS though so im not going to see it
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:19 pm
So no mention of the fact that one of the vampires is the bodacious Ted?
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:17 pm
What’s not to love about Rob Lowe!?
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Ok, I am not proud of it, but I was dragged to see Twilight and it has inspired me. I don’t know if Gladstone will read this, but if he does, I am willing to write the script, even finish watching the movie (I left half way through) for an encore edition of HBN about Twilight. I made it through almost a hour and a half by imagining what you would say. Seriously G Stones, the world needs your hate. I know you just want to walk away, but with great power comes great responsibility. Be the hero Cracked deserves, even if you’re not the one it needs right now.
December 3rd, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Actually, the REAL way to become a vampire is to drink the blood of a vampire. Simply getting bitten doesn’t do anything other than getting nasty scars your neck (30 days of night, Interview with the vampire)
December 3rd, 2008 at 1:58 pm
You left out the most important lesson. Vampires can make Jami Gertz be 16 forever. That’s reason enough to become one right there!
December 3rd, 2008 at 1:56 pm
They cry.
what a pussy vampire
December 3rd, 2008 at 1:53 pm
All I want for Christmas is “The Lost Boys” on DVD! Lost Boys on DVD. Lost Boys on DVD!
Seems like the vampires actually were a lot cooler in the 80’s than ever after!
December 3rd, 2008 at 1:45 pm
haha, that Rob Lowe poster always confounded me as well.
so does this article’s title. I mean, it’s related to the text but not fully. it doesn’t really take away from a great article, but it’s bothering me. Does a modern vampire really have to learn that it’s easy to become a vampire? or that he enjoys killing people? and technically doesn’t -everyone- think that they listen to awesome music? just saying.
December 3rd, 2008 at 1:34 pm
I ruined this movie for a bunch of my friends.
We were talking about the Joel Schumacher Batman movies and how gay they were. I mentioned that he directed “The Lost Boy” and brought up the saxophone player, the Rob Lowe poster and other stuff I thought saw as homo-erotic.
They still haven’t forgiven me for it.
And this is still one of my favorite movies.
December 3rd, 2008 at 1:16 pm
The vampires were definitely badass, but the grand-dad was downright frightening. At the end, he seems like he knew about the vampires all the time, but instead of having any strong feelings one way or the other, he reacts to them as if they were some pesky raccoons that got into his trash can.
December 3rd, 2008 at 1:15 pm
I am one of the people who think vampires are impossibly lame in every single way, but this article has gotten me to consider reconsidering.
December 3rd, 2008 at 1:10 pm
I HAVE BEEN WONDERING ABOUT THAT ROB LOWE POSTER FOR YEARS.
And have come to the conclusion that Corey Haim’s character is MAD GAY. He also wears a t-shirt for a portion of the film that says “BORN TO SHOP”. He hangs all over those Frog Brothers. He’s in love with sexy Rob Lowe, and the only other poster in his room is a super cute picture of Molly Ringwald in the Breakfast Club, obviously his idol because of her distinct fashion sense.
The Frog brothers were totally straight, though. Unless one of them was doing Haim’s character.
December 3rd, 2008 at 1:06 pm
Uh, did any of you guys (besides Yuge) actually READ Anne Rice’s Vampire Chronicles? Lestat is one of the most badass vampires ever created. When you think of angsty wimps, you’re thinking of Louis.
December 3rd, 2008 at 1:05 pm
Yes, that is Alex “Bill S. Preston, Esq” Winter in there. Great movie, BTW. So’s “Near Dark,” but agree with cavalierX about the ending. Weak!
December 3rd, 2008 at 12:57 pm
Sweet Jesus, there were a lot of bonfires on that beach. But with Corey Haim and Tim Cappello in this movie, those random beach fires weren’t the only things flaming. Buh-ZINGG!!!
December 3rd, 2008 at 12:55 pm
You could totally change the name of this from 8 things modern vampires could learn from ‘The Lost Boys’ to 8 reasons why ‘The Lost Boys’ is the greatest movie ever.
December 3rd, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Yeah… Twilight was horrible. I, uh, only went because my mom dragged me to go see it…
December 3rd, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Twilight is easily the worst version of vampire to hit the screen. I always thought the lost boys was a dumb movie.. but these days the more I think about it the better it looks.
December 3rd, 2008 at 12:50 pm
Awesome….awesome to the max. I pretty much forgot that vampires used to be badass
December 3rd, 2008 at 12:46 pm
I’m a big fan of Anne Rice’s (pre-crazy Jesus book shit) work, but I have to say, Twilight is just a gigantic shitfest. Anne Rice’s vampires may not be as badass as Dracula or some of the others, but at least they had character depth and were genuinely interesting to read about.
Twilight’s vampires are just generic cookie cutter characters. They have all the angst of Anne Rice’s vampires, with none of the depth, development and sexual ambiguity that made The Vampire Chronicles worth reading.
December 3rd, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Yes!!! Great work! I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my vampires TERRIFYING! Not all emo and lame and PC with beautiful girl hair.
December 3rd, 2008 at 12:15 pm
[...] any rate, instead of seeing this atrocity of a movie, rent The Lost Boys or Buffy the Vampire Slayer instead. At least wait until it gets into the dollar theaters. And you [...]
December 3rd, 2008 at 11:56 am
The poster totally makes since when you realize the director is Joel Schumacher, inventor of the batman rubber nipple.
December 3rd, 2008 at 11:43 am
Best fucking vampire movie ever. Nuff said.
Its a shame the sequel sucked nuts.
December 3rd, 2008 at 11:43 am
Anne Rice still shoulders a great deal of the blame for Twilight. If you think there would’ve been this market for it if not for her dedication to the de-awesome-ification of vampires, you’re flat wrong. Without her work, the concept of a protagonist that’s an anthropomorphic vampire (that is, a vampire that’s basically just a pale bisexual person with a blood fetish - instead of a reckless inhuman remorseless killing machine, with an understanding that sexuality is the easiest way to manipulate the living) would be as laughable as “My Boyfriend’s Back”.
December 3rd, 2008 at 11:39 am
Ah, the days of good vampires. Not the pussies that we see now on the big screen.
December 3rd, 2008 at 11:31 am
Regina, awesome name.
I can’t believe a whole article over The Lost Boys, and not one mention about the greatest band name in history: Echo and the Bunnymen. That name strikes the fear of the undead in to all hearts.
December 3rd, 2008 at 11:20 am
Darimaeus, ftr Anne Rice didn’t write Twilight; she wrote Interview with a Vampire and all those books. Stephanie Meyer wrote Twilight.
December 3rd, 2008 at 11:20 am
Yes, Bill S. Preston, Esquire drank some blood.
December 3rd, 2008 at 10:59 am
Kiefer Sutherland was such an awesome vampire.
December 3rd, 2008 at 10:53 am
Speaking of which, I had a bit of a rant about Twilight a small time ago. Stupid Anne Rice with her crappy breed of pussified teenage girl fantasy vampires. Yeah cos the immortal son of satan finds you, an awkward but kindhearted 15 year old girl attractive.
December 3rd, 2008 at 10:48 am
Was that Alex Winter, the unfamous one from Bill and Ted, in #6?
December 3rd, 2008 at 10:31 am
“always enjoy” that should say
EDIT FUNCTION!!!!!
December 3rd, 2008 at 10:30 am
Ross, I always your work, but this is easily one of your best articles of late.
I also have a question, since my blood type actually is O+, does that mean I could drink my own blood and become a vampire (so long as it’s out of that Dedazzled 40 oz. bottle? Because I could listen to Ride the Lightning for the rest of time.
December 3rd, 2008 at 10:22 am
You forgot to mention that they all have to have big “glam-rock” ’80’s hair and mullets.
December 3rd, 2008 at 10:21 am
I liked this article, but couldn’t decide if you liked The Lost Boys or not. I enjoyed it very much, and I enjoyed the article… but did you like it? Or is this all about making fun of all vampire movies? Either way, it made me want to see The Lost Boys again. So I guess it couldn’t be too bad an article.
December 3rd, 2008 at 10:15 am
I’m pretty sure in the movie they state that the blood he drinks from the wine bottle was David’s (Kiefer’s).
December 3rd, 2008 at 10:14 am
Except for the ending (which I will not ruin for those who haven’t seen it) I always thought Near Dark was one of the top vampire films ever. Lines like:
“Howdy. I’m gonna separate your head from your shoulders. Hope you don’t mind none.”
“I taught Severen everything he knew… but not everything I know. ”
“I hate it when they ain’t been shaved.”
December 3rd, 2008 at 10:08 am
Codeine.
December 3rd, 2008 at 9:49 am
Absolutely agree. I hate the shitty Robert Smith rip off vampires. Twilight is the worse book/movie/teenager phenomenon yet. I work in a bookstore, I should know.
December 3rd, 2008 at 9:46 am
Yeah, I miss the good old days of vampires actually being terrified, partly due to their thirst for blood, and partially for their thirst for tang.
December 3rd, 2008 at 9:45 am
funny