Life hacks have made their way through the Internet like an updated and fully optimized version of Old Wives' Tales. There's a good chance you've seen a life hack and thought it was clever, then moved on with your life, never once testing out the tip for traces of horseshit. Well, that's what I'm here for. I love cooking, I love being in the kitchen, and I want to know if these too-good-to-be-true food-related hacks are worth the time and effort. I'm excited. I'm optimistic. So let's kick things off with ...
#8. Eating Oreos With a Fork
Here's how the hack goes: You stab a fork through the cream of an Oreo, then dunk it in milk. Simple. The fork acts as an Oreo-retrieval system. And, I'm happy to report, it's not bullshit. It works. Here's a scintillating video of me proving it:
And that's the best thing that can be said about the technique: only that it works. It makes me feel like a dainty idiot. Oreo-dunking didn't need to be optimized for maximum drunk efficiency. The process didn't need to be streamlined. The clunky messiness of dunking Oreos is part of the experience. It's like when people eat a slice of pizza with a fork and knife. I want to ask them if there's some kind of physical or mental ailment that prevents them from holding the fucking slice in their fucking hands and just eating the fucking thing like a normal fucking human. Do you have a doctor's note that excuses your insolence? If not, use your fucking hands. If you do have a doctor's note, I'm so sorry, and I hope you're managing well with whatever ails you. God bless you and good luck in all of your endeavors.
But even if you do have a doctor's note, don't eat Oreos with a fork. Ever. They're Oreos. They do not require the use of modern tools. If I ever see any of you doing this, I will slap the fork out of your hand and jam your entire head into the glass of milk.
#7. Using a Push Pin to Make the Perfect Hard-Boiled Egg
Everyone has their own strategy for hard-boiled eggs -- their own cooking methods, their own cracking methods. If you boil it for precisely 2 minutes and 43 seconds then snatch the egg from the boiling water barehanded and throw it and say 17 Hail Marys before the egg hits something, the shell will blink out of existence and end up floating the inky void of space in a parallel universe filled with discarded egg shells. Egg-peeling techniques are personal, and what's snake oil for you is a bona fide miracle to others.
The method detailed here and shared as an image on roughly 7,000 BuzzFeed articles is pretty basic. All I can figure is that seasoning an egg with tetanus will result in the physical manifestation of perfection. The kind of egg God himself would boil with minimal effort while in his PJs before work. So, I followed the easy step, beginning with poking a hole in the shell and becoming disappointed that it didn't explode.
Then I boiled it. Then I cooled it. Then, the moment of truth: I peeled it. As I mentioned, I'm not a good egg peeler, which is why this happened:
Other than the perverse squirt of water that shot out of the egg hole as I cracked the shell, I found there to be absolutely no advantage to poking a hole in an egg before boiling. It's still a basic hard-boiled egg. In this case soft-boiled, because I messed up the cooking time. So it works, but no better or worse than however you hard-boil your eggs. Oh, and at one point, this happened:
So far I'm disappointed with these hacks. But, I'm still optimistic I'll find one that works. Maybe we'll have better luck with ...
#6. Separating Egg Yolks From Whites With an Empty Water Bottle
Goddammit. There's no need for this. Crack the shell and pour the yolk from one half of the shell to the other until the white shakes loose and slides away. Or do the same thing in the palm of your hand. Bringing in a third thing is unnecessary. The only reason this method exists is to prove it can be done. Beyond that, it's entirely useless.
Well, that's what it seems like, at least. How about I try it and we pass judgment from there?
Yep. It works, and it's still entirely useless. Don't over-complicate your life. A "hack" shouldn't add, only subtract. All this does is add to a system we've long figured out and moved on from. Goddamn. These hacks are garbage. I'm losing heart and we're only three entries in. Fuck it. Let's throw this into overdrive ...
#5. Softening Cold Butter With a Hot Glass
What a tremendous waste of time this is. Encasing butter in an upside-down hot glass to melt it enough to spread is so over-thought I'm shocked it doesn't involve a series of pulleys to raise and lower the glass.
Here was my result when I tested this one out:
After microwaving the cup for 1 minute and resting it over the butter for 2 minutes, the butter was slightly softer but still cold enough to ruin a piece of toast. But then I did this:
Four seconds in the microwave to get spreadable butter, versus 3 minutes. That's a difference of 176 seconds, and you don't need to microwave a glass.
The moral of the story is, fuck you and your hot glasses. Buy a butter dish and keep a stick of butter at room temperature at all times. It's 100 percent safe.
Hey, here's a second hack on making cold stuff slightly less cold:
Fuck you. Buy a butter dish.
And a third one that I will not give you context for:
Fuck you. Buy a butter dish.