#4. Vulcan Ripe Anus
Butt stuff is to sex what bacon is to cuisine: a perfectly fine occasional side dish that has been memetically elevated to the status of steak. And much like bacon, anal has also attracted its fair share of strange byproducts: From "realistic molds" of porn star cavities to the many, many insertable products out there, even the most committed rear entrance enthusiast has no shortage of things to blow his cash on.
And then there is Vulcan Ripe Anus.
Eric IsselTe/Hemera/Getty Images
Vulcan Ripe Anus!
I'm ... I'm actually at a loss here, people. I get that it's supposed to be an ass-in-a-can of some fashion, but ... seriously? What's the target group for this product, necrophile Trekkies? I'm almost tempted to order this thing just to see what the ever-loving fuck it's about, but I'm certain that the second I finished payment, a barbarian adventurer would smash through my window and slay me for attempted necromancy.
At $12.71, this product is technically a little over the budget. Still, I feel secure in including it, because I'm betting you can get it way, way cheaper than that.
All you need to do is walk into a porn shop and loudly haggle over the price of Vulcan Ripe Anus these days.
#3. Remote-Control Panties
If you've read some of my previous stuff on the subject of sex and the toys that revolve around it, you may have gathered that I'm not particularly keen on teledildonics. It's not that I'm against the concept per se -- it's just that I find it hard to see the point of complicated, barely working long-distance screwing contraptions when most people already have ready access to stuff like phones and hands. Take panties operated by remote control, which is a thing that exists, and houses a remote-control vibrator in the exact place you suspect. Hey, wait a moment -- these things may be stupid as seven sorts of shit, but there's no way they'll make our budget. Teledildonics stuff tends to be expensive as all fuck.
Well, not this particular product! In fact, the price of the item is so low, it's something of a red flag:
"Product description: May not contain spiders this time."
What ... what happened here? Why are they dumping this product practically for free? Was there a malfunction? Did Chad hit the bar with his friends after work and start absent-mindedly fidgeting with the remote, only to find out it has a seriously impressive range, as his politician wife is giving what would turn out to be the most excited speech of her career? Was there a love triangle drama, and some jealous husband MacGyvered a car battery in this thing somehow? Or maybe a sitcom-style mix-up, where the sex panties you meant to give your spouse for Christmas ended up in the wrong stocking, and now Grandma is wondering whether to write you out of the will or make you the sole heir?
Her opinion tends to change with the setting.
There are no customer reviews, so we may never know ... unless someone is brave enough to click that order button. No pressure, Felix.
#2. The Bullet
Bullet vibrators are little more than a small battery and an even smaller motor in a more or less waterproof plastic casing. As tiny, slippery, cheap, and occasionally ill-manufactured things, they have a number of drawbacks when it comes to shenanigans: Not only are they almost impossible to handle without gloves or whatever when things get gooey, they're also small enough to have the ability to disappear and/or get stuck in a number of places most sex toys can only dream of. As such, they're mainly used externally, or as an attachable funmaker for various latex-y rings and contraptions.
And then someone comes along and starts specifically selling them as Vaginal Anal Dildo G-spot Bullets.
That's a lot of uses for a $5 device, most of them physically impossible because these things are like 2 inches long, with no grip or handle whatsoever. What's more, the product comes in a variety of colors, just begging the unfortunate buyer to, uh, catch 'em all.
"Sir, it appears the blockage is buzzing violently."
I'm picturing a person entering the ER, not walking but gliding across the floor like a phone set on vibrate. In their nostrils, Vaginal Anal Dildo G-spot Bullets. In their ears, Vaginal Anal Dildo G-spot Bullets. Their hair is twisting like Medusa's, thanks to the dozen Vaginal Anal Dildo G-spot Bullets stuck in there somehow. Their pelvic region is best left unspeculated.
And they reach the reception desk, nonchalantly (if rather jerkily) lean on it, and conspiratorially whisper to the receptionist: "I-i-i-it w-was a-a-a b-bargain."
#1. Fruit Masturbators
Via Intimate Gadgets
Do you like fruit? Of course you do.
Have you ever wanted to fuck fruit? Of course you have not. And even if you had, why not get an actual fruit? They're not exactly difficult to come by -- they're the vividly colored items that are like the first thing you see when you enter a supermarket.
Oh, the real thing won't do? You require the finest artificial dongfruit that you can get for under 10 bucks? Sure, whatever, have a FunZone Mini Juicy Masturbator.
Via Intimate Gadgets
They come in "Raspberry," "Kiwi fruit," and "Orange," because if you're going to get juicy, you might as well go for the stuff that's normally too tiny to actually bone.
Look, I don't even care anymore. Guys, if your idea of a good time is sticking your dong in a suspicious eight-buck thing that is supposed to imitate a fruit somehow, more power to you. Still, unless your first and only sexual experience was Gonorrhea Sexmangler, pubic enemy #1, and as such you have sworn off all other forms of sex forever, I can't shake this nagging feeling that you could probably do better.
Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked columnist and freelance editor. Follow him on Twitter.