Humans love sex, and humans love toys. Sex toys are a thing. We tend to think they're alright, too.
But here's the thing about sex toys: All the really cool (and really frightening) gear tends to cost you a big ol' pile of cash. Have you ever wondered what an inquiring mind could achieve with just a few bucks in his pocket? Hey, here's an idea: Why don't we see what manner of crotch-fondling apparatus is prepared to jump into our slightly sticky shopping cart if we shop around with the absolute maximum budget of, say, $10 per product?
Spoiler: It doesn't get any less terrifying.
#8. American Diagnostic Corporation Stainless Steel Wartenberg Pinwheel
The Wartenberg Pinwheel is a spur-like medical device that consists of a handle and a wheel that is, would you believe it, made of pins. Back in the day, its sharp points were used to test neurological reactions, but it has fallen out of favor, because it turns out wheel-stabbing your patients is not the most sanitary of procedures.
So, a $4 medical device with an unsanitary reputation and a number of sharp points? You bet your butt it's used for bonin'!
Gleefully sold as a sex toy, the Wartenberg (or "Wartenburg," as it is often called, presumably to prevent the ghost of the doctor who invented the instrument from rage-haunting the users' crotches) Pinwheel is commonly bought with items like these:
The pictures say "sex stuff," the titles say "We're not quite sure how you humans name things."
And there's nothing wrong with that; a little BDSM never hurt anyone (shut up, you know what I mean). However, a slightly more worrying aspect of the product is the fact that a) this is pretty much the cheapest thing Amazon offers in the sex toy category, and b) the product description features no hints on how to use it whatsoever. Combine these things, and you have a potentially hurtful-as-fuck medical tool in the hands of the kind of person who happily purchases $4 sex toys.
What I'm saying is that more than one doctor has probably spent some interesting hours trying to dislodge this thing from someone's urethra.
#7. Swipes Cucumber Scent Lovin Wipes
Everyone is familiar with the sexy connotations of the noble cucumber. A watery vegetable that is cheap, easy to access, and conveniently shaped like Shrek dick, it can likely boast a more impressive sexual resume than you, I, and everyone we know that's not your mom combined.
Even stock photography has given up trying to present cucumbers in a neutral light.
If there's one thing about cucumbers that is truly unassuming, it's their smell. Is there any? I've eaten a few cucumber salads in my time, and I can't recall them smelling of anything at all. Yet here we have Swipes cucumber-scented wipes, a product that is outright marketed as a sex wipe ("freshen up before or clean up after intimate moments"), and part of the appeal is supposed to be the fact that they smell like cucumber. Why is this? Is it supposed to be a turn-on? Is this a "forbidden fruit" thing, bringing back all those awkward memories from the vegetable aisle? Does ... does it smell like an already used cucumber, and oh God why did that thought have to cross my mind?
Maybe this is an actual line of products, and somewhere out there is an "Oh shit, I just realized my only purchases are seven zucchinis and a tub of Vaseline" terror-sweat-scented version that comes with a complimentary condescending Walmart cashier. The mysteries are endless; the answers, I never wish to know. Piss off, cucumber sex wipes. You have no place here. (Also, $7.99 for you is daylight robbery, no matter how well it fits my arbitrary money limit.)
#6. Pheromone Bracelets
Let's consider a scenario where you've managed to fill your house with the best naughty toys you can find, yet for some reason members of your preferred gender completely fail to drop their pants, no matter how many times you drop careful hints about the veritable fuck dungeon you have converted your basement into. Strange thought, I know, but it has been known to happen. Luckily, the bargain bin of your local porn peddler has a solution to this terrifying situation: $5.70 pheromone bracelets.
Man on the moon, Internet, and now this? Thanks, science!
Yes, this wondrous "pheromone-infused" toy bracelet is absolutely guaranteed to cause your sweat glands to emit a secret scent trail that will attract the opposite sex for weeks, and probably won't even smell like decaying spleen at all!
What's best, these surefire sexual attractors come in both male and female versions, so if you have an open mind and/or enough desperation in your heart, you can wear one on each wrist and open your arms to embrace the world, waiting in anticipation to see who bites first. (My prediction: stray dogs.)
#5. The Blow Job Bib
This is a fucking blow job bib, a fun product that can be yours for the measly price of $3.29, plus all worth you once had as a respectable human being.
While many retailers obviously sell the blow job bib as a party gag (sorry) item, some sites freely list it under sex toys, so you just know there's a handful of comically/tragically misguided dudes who present it to the objects of their affection as a "wacky" hint that they secretly hope will make the face of the receiver embrace its intended role as the locomotive of their gravy train.
Of course, this is the exact kind of bullshit that will wean these assholes off from ever receiving a blow job again. This is actually kind of a shame, as being limited to regular coitus means they have a much better chance to breed more fuck-awful idiots.