8 Questions Every WoW Fan Apparently Needs Answered


Getting a gigantic video game to work when 12 million people are playing it is hard. Blizzard doesn't always have time to redesign their database when players run out of storage space for their costumes or want a zone dedicated to birthday parties. But that doesn't stop people from asking about shit like that. They want Blizzard to give them faster ponies, luxury houses ... it makes you wonder how easy these people need their leisure time to be? Science has already invented drinkable yogurt.

I'm always amazed at how well the panelists handle these questions. Look at it like this: You're a creative and busy professional game developer. A smug kid wearing Burger King fluid is asking you to stop work on the project you've been on for two years and switch your focus to his idea of moose-shaped helmets. I've heard more appropriate questions from cock ring salesmen on Father's Day.


Every now and then, you see a wire get crossed in the human brain that turns all incoming and outgoing messages into Warcraft. Ringing phones, crying newborns -- they all sound like lootable Irradiated Troggs to them. These people aren't addicted to the game so much as spiritually merged with it. For example, witness the soon-to-be legendary Time-Lost Proto Nerd. I'm not completely fluent in Warcraft, but I think he wins an argument here with the game's writer about whether the character he writes is dead or not. And there's no malice in his heart when he does it. He simply needs to clear up this paradox before his universe collapses in on itself. And if that happens, who's going to feed the crying newborn he left back home. Oh my god, his son!


If you want to get, do or buy anything at a convention, you have to wait in line. Say that Booth 1000 has something scheduled at 3 P.M. No matter what you think it is, pretend it's a game show about grabbing the most money from a nude girl because the front of the line has been there since 7 A.M., so it must be. The problem is that across the hall, Booth 1200 is giving out a limited supply of stuffed goblins, and it's no stretch of the imagination to say that eBaying one for $40 would solve everything wrong in your life. Now, these two lines and many more have expanded to create an anxious and grumpy people maze. So we shouldn't be surprised that a few confused people seem to be in the question line by accident.

Also, fellows, speaking of lines, the one good thing about being surrounded by nerds is that if you're only going number one, you can skip right to the urinals while everyone sheepishly waits for a stall. I guess human bowels have no non-violent ways to react to a life of fish sticks and Starcraft. Now that I think about it, convention centers are used almost exclusively by nerds and politicians. These buildings shouldn't even have urinals. Have you ever seen a politician use a urinal? Of course not. Because he's inside the stall, inside a stranger. If you think the senators at the GOP convention are actually using the restrooms for resting, you're probably their wife and kids.


The fantasy world has activists too, and a lot of gamers go to these Q&A sessions with a political agenda. Why don't Death Knights recognize Veterans Day? When is Blizzard going to create a quest for asthma awareness? Why can't Night Elves gay marry? Is there even such a thing as a non-gay Night Elf? This year, one girl took the microphone and demanded to know why all the female characters in Warcraft are so fit and naked. And to give you an idea of how diverse Warcraft's political landscape can be, the girl immediately after the first used her question to ask if girl druids could get shapelier tits when they transform into owls. Man, one step forward two steps back; am I right, make-believe ladies?

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