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8 Psychologically Traumatizing Kids Halloween Costumes

I recently purchased three bags of apples, five packs of caramel wrap, and 100 razor blades, which can mean only one thing: it's Halloween time! A time when millions of children are at risk. Oh, not just those trick or treating at my door, but around the world. I'm talking about the mentally traumatizing affects of certain children's costumes. Seemingly innocent, merry disguises that lead to years of psychotherapy. Can purchasing the wrong costume for your child really cause mental illness? Can you easily slip Rohphynol into a packet of Skittles? (Sure can!)

So here's a heads up on the top 8 Halloween costumes for causing psychological scars, replete with the faulty logic that leads to the parental purchase and the inevitable psychiatric opinion to follow years later.

8. FRANKENWHORE

WHAT PARENTS TELL THEMSELVES WHEN BUYING IT

"Hmm, my little girl is growing, and while I can see a certain sexuality to the outfit, it's not very revealing. I mean, here's a costume she'll love because it will make her feel like a big girl without showing almost any skin whatsoever. Yeah, this will work well."

WHAT A PSYCHIATRIST WILL TELL THEM ABOUT THEIR CHILD YEARS LATER

"Although the kids in your daughter's high school have labeled her "easy," "slutty," and "awesome," medically speaking your daughter suffers from what we call nymphomania or, more appropriately, "hypersexuality." What caused it? Well, it has been linked to adrenal cancer, methamphetamine, and often the manic stage of bipolar depression, but I'm going to go out on limb here and say it was caused by you dressing her as a whore before she even had breasts. Let me ask you this: what is this even a costume of? It's not Bride of Frankenstein. Is it Mistress of Frankenstein? And why are there bolts in her hat? To keep it from fleeing her syphilitic skull? I can't imagine there's anything appealing about this actual costume to a little girl. Instead, I'm guessing your daughter wanted this because she hoped to be like the girl in the photo. The ten-year-old wearing heavy eyeliner. Wasn't that, right there, a good enough reason not to buy it? Why would you want your baby girl to emulate a pre-teen who somehow already knows how to make bukkake eyes at the camera?"

7. GARDEN GNOME

WHAT PARENTS TELL THEMSELVES WHEN BUYING IT

"Aw, fuck it. Why not? It's cute I guess, right? What is it, a smurf or something? And what's this bullshit about liquor stores being closed on Sunday?"

WHAT A PSYCHIATRIST WILL TELL THEM ABOUT THEIR CHILD YEARS LATER

"At first I was ready to blame your son's crippling social anxiety disorder on the shame and embarrassment your public drunkenness caused him during formative years. But, in truth, the answer is much simpler. Y'see, how we process social situations is based on some of our first formative interactive experiences with the outside world. And for children, a big one is certainly Halloween. Now while babies dressed as bumblebees, daisies, and kittens are typically greeted by comforting oohs and ahhs, the photographic record I've been able to piece together appears to indicate that your son's first Halloween was filled with horrified screams, finger-pointing, and --if I'm interpreting this one picture correctly-- a priest dousing him with holy water. The hat seems, in a word, evil, and, really, those eyebrows only made it worse."

6. AVATAR'S NA'VI

WHAT PARENTS TELL THEMSELVES WHEN BUYING IT

"Oh, look! Its one of those Nabu creatures from Avatar. Becky loves that movie. Oh and it comes with a bag of dice. No wait, a mud flap? An eye patch! But for the crotch. Well whatever, I'm sure that leotard gives camel toe something fierce so whatever it is, I'm sure the Nabu know what they're doing."

WHAT A PSYCHIATRIST WILL TELL THEM ABOUT THEIR CHILD YEARS LATER

"It's never easy to explain to a parent that their child is a furry, but I'm afraid that's what we're dealing with here. Now understand, being a fur does not necessarily mean your daughter enjoys zoophilia (sex with animals) and/or plushophilia (sex with stuffed animals) but in this case, both are true. Had this costume been a little more accurate and contained something approximating a full leather loin cloth, I think Becky might have reacted differently. Instead, it came with a little pleather satchel of shame directly over her hoohah. And I think that filled Becky with feelings of discomfort about her genitalia. The only part of her sexually ambiguous blue zebra self that needed to be hidden. And all of this happened just as her hormones were kicking it. The synchronization of her new sexual feelings coupled with the animalistic appeal of the Nabu and the fear of her human sexuality had the unfortunate consequence of leading little Becky to Furry Fandom conventions since her late teens, along with hours of anonymous online sex with Teddy Ruxpin.

5. THRILLER-ERA MICHAEL JACKSON

WHAT PARENTS TELL THEMSELVES WHEN BUYING IT

"Oh, I remember when I was 12 in 1984 and all the boys at my Halloween party dressed like this. It was so cute. Hey, what's changed in 26 years? This will be great for my boy!"

WHAT A PSYCHIATRIST WILL TELL THEM ABOUT THEIR CHILD YEARS LATER

"Good news, I've figured out why your 10 year old son keeps molesting himself. (Allegedly)"

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