Man, did I ever take one for the team on this article. I had to find someone willing to bone me and call it work. Not that I don't have to work to find people to have sex with me -- it's pretty much a full-time job -- but this is the first time I ever got paid for it, so thanks Cracked!
Up to this point in my life, I'd been having sex in the traditional way -- in the cleared-out corner of my hovel while weeping hysterically until something happens and I get sleepy. Not so today! Today, I put to work the ancient text of the The Kama Sutra, or at least the parts dealing with where your boner should go, and tried out some of those sex positions you've seen pictures of and thought, "There's no way that can feel good." Man, you have no idea how right you were.
#8. The Bridge
This is utterly preposterous. That anyone even thought of this position just shows the lengths some people will go to to ruin sex for others. This position is to sex what breaking your spine is to sex.
The basic technique of The Bridge is for the man to support himself on his hands and feet, creating an arch with his body. But not the easy way -- the hard way, the way your back wasn't designed to bend. So you're going to want to be naked and mimicking that terrifying spider-walk from The Exorcist. Your lady friend takes advantage at this point by hopping on your flagpole.
Bibliotheque de Geneve
Expect to go half-mast within seconds.
I want you to consider this now. You're bent over literally backwards. Do you know why that exists as a saying? Why saying that you bent over backwards to do something implies you really put a lot of effort in? Because it's fucking hard to bend over backwards if you're not made of rubber. And that saying in no way implies that, once you bent over backwards, you let another human climb on and ride you, because clearly that would be insane. The only thing missing to turn this from a sex position into a medieval torture is a bed of hot coals under you.
In practical terms, they could simply call this position "Collapsed Heap Of Shrieking, Broken Dong" and it would be just as accurate a description of what's happening. I have no doubt some yoga masters, gymnasts, and Avengers can do this. I can't.
It's the only possible explanation for why Gwen and MJ stick around.
#7. The Lustful Leg
I found this position attractive because it looked less painful to me as the male half of the equation, and I was feeling spiteful after my London Bridge done came down. This was designed for limber ladies of a certain physical aptitude. The kind who can just throw a leg up in the air and not expect it to come down again.
The Asian Parent
Even a Rockette would chicken out after five seconds of this.
If you're not a dancer type who is able to Van Damme your crotch at a moment's notice, even the most sincere effort to make this position work will result not in sexual bliss but in Felix getting kicked square in the breadbasket. It's like being Jack at the top of the beanstalk and the giant has been replaced with a hot girl, but she still wants to stomp you to death for some reason and won't stop slamming you with her foot over and over until you beg to move on to the next one.
#6. The Propeller
You need to follow along with this one, because it defies good sense and logic. How this position works is the woman is supposed to be on her back lying down. The man hops on board, facing away but with bits lined up in an appropriate fashion. So he's straddling her groinal area, facing her feet. You got it? Good. Now use the power of your imagination to make his Tab A jigger into her Slot B. Because that's the next step.
The step after that is a trip to the emergency room in Block C.
If you, like me, have seen genitals before and where we keep them, the setup for this position may be hard for you to fathom. I read the directions too, and I get all the words, but I can read a story about a unicorn shitting golden robots that look like Kevin James -- doesn't mean it fits into reality anywhere.
Due to the logistics of wang hang and vaginal locomotion, this was a complete non-starter. There was some grunting and a few genuine moments of an extreme discomfort that resembled the setup for a flesh catapult, but, in the end, there was no dice. No dice!
#5. The Rowboat
Have you ever done a secret handshake with someone? Like a mildly complicated routine you had to plot and rehearse to ensure it was done right? This is that, only with your genitals instead of your hands. In the end it looks cool, but you need to plot it in the right order, or it'll be all craptastical and fail. Probably shatter a ball or something to boot.
Even the cartoon models look agonized and eager to get this over with.
This works by having the bepenised partner lie down. The insertee has a seat, and then the partner on the bottom sits up with his legs outside the other's body. So at this point you're facing each other, just having a seat, with one of you inside the other one. So far, so good. You loop hands around each other's legs and ... that's where the description ends. This seemed wrong to me, so I tried to add a rowing dynamic with a bit of extreme back-and-forth leaning, pulling on each other's hands until it was less sexy and more like a strange, naked tug-o-war. Which is kind of an accurate description of sex anyway.
George Doyle/Stockbyte/Getty Images
Rope burn optional, though in this case, probably less painful.