8 Insane Passive Aggressive Signs Used By Actual Businesses

Passive-aggressive signs are normally the domain of the lunchroom, deployed by timid yet hate-filled people to remind "whoever is eating my sandwich" to "could you not?" These signs are anger expressed in its most constipated form and, for that reason, easily dismissed.

What's more difficult to fathom is when actual businesses use passive-aggressive signs to remind their customers how much they hate them and wish they would go away. Also, for some reason, these notes are incredibly specific, implying some bizarre circumstance keeps happening there enough to warrant a sign mocking their own customers. How is that possible? To find out, please take my hand, friend, as I dive into the passive-aggressive business world, to find out what specifically has caused these people to completely lose their rag.

#8. Unattended Children Will Be Mildly Poisoned

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Hey, this fun local coffee shop looks like a great place to start our search and also leave my child unattended. Let's do that now ... oh, hang on.

Fixturescloseup

Maybe that's a bad idea after all.

There are a lot of versions of this sign out there; you can find a dozen or so examples on Etsy. This implies that many coffee shop owners around the world are apparently just itching to poison young children. And I get that; I've got a young child.

Dave_Pot/iStock/Getty Images
Though if you're reading this, know that I love you, little Blaydon.

The espresso is, I guess, intended to be a punishment for the parents of the young children, forcing them to deal with a caffeinated kid. And OK, sure, nice one, coffee shop proprietor. But, why involve a kitten? Aside from the fact that giving a cat to a family that doesn't want it is pretty cruel to the cat, offering pets to children is classic man-in-a-windowless-van behavior. That shit will get you arrested and is no way to run a business.

What Probably Happened Here:

So, we've got a coffee shop owner, who is apparently exhausted with dealing with gangs of unattended children, has a steady supply of cats, and is unconcerned with being thought a pedophile. This means they're either a child themselves or a genderless robot that has started a coffee shop near a daycare as a way of humanely dealing with the product of their failed kitten mill.

There is no other rational answer.

#7. Warning: Gas Leak

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Man, you know what would go great after that failed attempt to abandon my child? Ice cream. And I know just the place. We'll just head in here to the back and ...

Fumaga

Well, now I don't feel like anything.

Let's ignore the typo/broken English here; life's a tough journey, and we're all trying our best. Instead, let's focus on the meat of this issue.

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The big, beefy meat of this issue.

Farts. Now, a common feature of passive-aggressive notes is that they're addressed quite vaguely ("to the person who ... "), even though the writer often has a pretty clear idea who specifically is the culprit. That doesn't seem to be the case here, suggesting this isn't a store that has a single, powerful, and bloated enemy. Something else is going on entirely.

What Probably Happened Here:

Farts are, of course, a criminal offense, but they're such a minor one (victims usually survive) that authorities rarely dedicate many resources to prosecuting them. But, that reasoning falls apart when one person is victimized repeatedly by many individual offenders. Although each criminal is individually not worth pursuing, the accumulated damage can be quite significant.

That's what I think is happening here. A gang of, let's say, unattended children again, are repeatedly entering this store and farting by the ice cream, doing untold damage to employee health, paint color, and, of course, the fabric of society.

#6. No Boob Money, Please

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Well, that convenience store reeked. Maybe this next one will be more hygienic ...

Neatorama

Well, at least they're trying.

So, I'm a dude -- flex -- and there are some things about the fair gender that I can't claim to know too much about. Like, I guess, you sometimes keep things in your bras? Money, it sounds like, but I would guess other small, flat things could work. Luncheon meats, maybe.

Kraft
Sounds right.

And, I guess, like many things, the boob can get sweaty and cause anything stored nearby to get soggy -- seems like it could be a problem. I can imagine I wouldn't want to deal with any soggy bills, and this store seems to feel the same way.

What Probably Happened Here:

The reasonable answer is that this convenience store is on a route frequented by joggers, who stop by for ... cigarettes, it looks like. And because they're wearing jogging clothes with no pockets, they're pulling money out of their socks or bras. This actually sounds like a best-case scenario when considering the set of locations money could be extracted from.

ATIC12/iStock/Getty Images
We could have this problem again.

#5. Another Question!?

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Hey, what's next door? Wow, this used music store looks really well stocked. Say, I wonder if this guy would be willing to answer three questions about music for me ...

Captinshmit

... oh no, apparently, I can go fuck myself. Neat.

One can imagine what the situation is here. Someone with some probably not-great facial hair has rocked up to the clerk at a used CD store, with a list of insanely rare albums he's trying to find. And as much as the clerk wants to help out, there's all the other customers that require attention as well. And this isn't the first time hairbeard has struck, hence the sign.

Yeah, that totally makes sense.

What Probably Happened Here:

Unless it's something insane, instead. Maybe this store is in a neighborhood frequented by sphinxes who, being full of love for rare LPs, riddles, and treachery, regularly tie up the store's staff with their fiendish questions and also sometimes devour them when they fail to answer correctly.

Yeah, I'd put up a sign too, I guess.

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Chris Bucholz

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