8 Impressively Sarcastic Amazon Product Reviews (Part 3)

#4. How to Live With a Huge Penis

How to Live With a Huge Penis

Your first thought here might be, "I want to ask if this is a joke product, but I'm afraid you're going to call me an asshole again out of nowhere. That was really weird and rude." Sorry, sometimes I get carried away. This is a joke product.

So we have a couple of jokes that bring up some unconventional ways for a penis to be "huge":

"Ladies ...?"

That one has a pretty good follow-up comment:

"Ladies ...?"

This next diatribe about the trials of having a big penis would probably make a good stand-up comedy bit. It's sort of like an X-rated version of a Paul Bunyan tall tale. It's pretty long (pause for reader to interject penis joke), so I've cut out a few choice excerpts.

#3. Accoutrements Horse Head Mask

Accoutrements Horse Head Mask

The picture alone is pretty funny, so you'd think this would be a gold mine of comedic reviews. Unfortunately no. Here's a breakdown:

  • 6 Sarah Jessica Parker jokes
  • 1 Sarah Jessica Parker joke with Ann Coulter swapped in
  • 3 Godfather jokes
  • 13 "I put on the mask and it turned me into a horse" jokes
  • ~50 serious reviews

Amazon user David Skwirut
Fortunately there is more variety in the image gallery. I recommend a look.

I understand that if people are actually buying a product, serious reviews are actually helpful, so fine. But 13 "I turned into a horse" reviews? Really? Do you think it gets funnier after the 10th time?

And I've kind of had it up to here with Sarah Jessica Parker jokes. We get it. It's funny that a horse is cast in human roles in a variety of television shows and movies, and it's funny that they write it so that all the other characters talk to it like it's a human. I just don't get what's so funny about repeating the same joke the show is making. It's like expecting laughs when you point out that Mr. Ed is a horse. Duh. That's the point of the show.

However, I am OK with repeated Godfather jokes because The Godfather was a masterpiece and you can never have enough Godfather references.

If you think that I am displaying a double standard in allowing Godfather jokes, then you are probably racist against Italians. Here is a non-Godfather one:

I like it better without the title, when it just seems like he was wearing a horse head mask, cruising down the highway and minding his own business when Johnny Law came along and steamrolled his rights. This is also a good one:

If you need a refresher on what the mask looks like:

Via Peter A. Kemmer
Safe from the mob!

#2. Certified Diamond

Certified Diamond (Heart, Good Cut, 8.00 Carats, D Color, IF Clarity)

The first thing you need to know is that this diamond was listed for just shy of $1 million, but thanks to some party poopers, it's now listed as "Currently unavailable."

That should set you up to enjoy the teamwork exhibited in this fine two-part story of riches gained and lost.

I kind of want to see the story continue, but I'm afraid it would just end

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Christina H

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