Cracked Columnists

8 Impressively Sarcastic Amazon Product Reviews (Part 3)

#4. How to Live With a Huge Penis


How to Live With a Huge Penis

Your first thought here might be, "I want to ask if this is a joke product, but I'm afraid you're going to call me an asshole again out of nowhere. That was really weird and rude." Sorry, sometimes I get carried away. This is a joke product.

So we have a couple of jokes that bring up some unconventional ways for a penis to be "huge":


"Ladies ...?"

That one has a pretty good follow-up comment:


"Ladies ...?"

This next diatribe about the trials of having a big penis would probably make a good stand-up comedy bit. It's sort of like an X-rated version of a Paul Bunyan tall tale. It's pretty long (pause for reader to interject penis joke), so I've cut out a few choice excerpts.

#3. Accoutrements Horse Head Mask


Accoutrements Horse Head Mask

The picture alone is pretty funny, so you'd think this would be a gold mine of comedic reviews. Unfortunately no. Here's a breakdown:

  • 6 Sarah Jessica Parker jokes
  • 1 Sarah Jessica Parker joke with Ann Coulter swapped in
  • 3 Godfather jokes
  • 13 "I put on the mask and it turned me into a horse" jokes
  • ~50 serious reviews

Amazon user David Skwirut
Fortunately there is more variety in the image gallery. I recommend a look.

I understand that if people are actually buying a product, serious reviews are actually helpful, so fine. But 13 "I turned into a horse" reviews? Really? Do you think it gets funnier after the 10th time?

And I've kind of had it up to here with Sarah Jessica Parker jokes. We get it. It's funny that a horse is cast in human roles in a variety of television shows and movies, and it's funny that they write it so that all the other characters talk to it like it's a human. I just don't get what's so funny about repeating the same joke the show is making. It's like expecting laughs when you point out that Mr. Ed is a horse. Duh. That's the point of the show.

However, I am OK with repeated Godfather jokes because The Godfather was a masterpiece and you can never have enough Godfather references.

If you think that I am displaying a double standard in allowing Godfather jokes, then you are probably racist against Italians. Here is a non-Godfather one:

I like it better without the title, when it just seems like he was wearing a horse head mask, cruising down the highway and minding his own business when Johnny Law came along and steamrolled his rights. This is also a good one:

If you need a refresher on what the mask looks like:

Via Peter A. Kemmer
Safe from the mob!

#2. Certified Diamond


Certified Diamond (Heart, Good Cut, 8.00 Carats, D Color, IF Clarity)

The first thing you need to know is that this diamond was listed for just shy of $1 million, but thanks to some party poopers, it's now listed as "Currently unavailable."

That should set you up to enjoy the teamwork exhibited in this fine two-part story of riches gained and lost.

I kind of want to see the story continue, but I'm afraid it would just end

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Christina H

  • Rss

More by Christina H:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

693 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!