No Holds Barred (1989)
No Holds Barred is a movie about pro wrestling where pro wrestling is real. This requires the viewer to suspend his or her disbelief in two different directions at once. It's like closing your eyes and pretending your wife is someone else, and that someone else is pretending they're not Batman. All of Hulk Hogan's movies have an extra layer like that. For instance, Mr. Nanny was an allegory for matriarchal societies and in Suburban Commando, he was a talking dog fire chief the entire time. Deal with that, your mind.
No Holds Barred is the kind of movie you would write if you were trying to get a film director to kill himself. The script reads like a transcription of a toddler getting its stomach pumped and there are so many non-human hormones pumping through the cast members that each set had to be legally zoned as an animal shelter. It's tough to enjoy even for me, and I take prescription drugs for my Hulkamania just so the California state government will allow me near t-shirts.
However, there's a moment in this movie where Hulk Hogan hulks out so hard that 20 years later, it was the first thing coroners wrote on "Macho Man" Randy Savage's death certificate. Hulk Hogan escapes from a limousine by jumping through the roof and while physics is still trying to figure out what happened, he kills 10 men with pro wrestling. This alone would be amazing enough, but it ends with Hulk Hogan ripping the door off the limo and yanking out the terrified driver. He snarls at him, and not just a little bit. He snarls at him long past the point where it makes sense. It's a good 15 straight seconds of two men making monster sounds at each other. Out of context, you'd swear a rabies doctor had made the world's most unethical sex tape. It goes on for so long that I think Hulk might have forgotten his lines, but that's impossible since his next two lines are "What's that smell?" and "Dookie!?" followed by history's most intense and hilarious awkward pause.
The Pumpkin Karver (2006)
A Harsh Lesson in Farm Safety
A Harsh Lesson in Farm Safety
It's hard to say why someone made The Pumpkin Karver. It's a slasher film set on a farm where teenagers are partying and a grumpy old man enjoys carving pumpkins. They live in a world where scratching faces into pumpkins is some kind of dynamic field of art, so most of the dialog is about pumpkin carving. The teenagers eventually get stalked by a supernatural ghost monster, who now that I think about, is the one character in the movie that has no interest in pumpkin carving. It's bizarre in stupid, confusing, childish ways. It feels like the filmmaker threw a movie together as an excuse for why he got caught carving dickholes into 3,000 pumpkins.
One character you'll particularly hate is Toga Teen #2. He's supposed to be the comic relief which is strange since the actor playing him has the comic timing of polio. If he worked as a mortuary makeup artist, his boss would describe him as the one with no sense of humor. When he puts his mouth over your asshole, people stop laughing at your farts. The only highlight of the movie comes when this guy leaves the party to climb a tractor combine and pee into a pumpkin patch. Even in a film without an insane reverence for pumpkins, you'd recognize this as horror movie shorthand for "this character is about to die." And holy shit does that happen.
The miserable failure mumbles out a series of anti-jokes as he starts peeing. Most people would stop this once a mysterious stranger starts knifing them in the back, but not Toga Teen #2. He stands perfectly still, continues peeing and wonders who might be responsible for all that knifing. Three chops and half a minute later, the murderer, who is probably as confused by the guy's reaction as the audience is, switches to a new weapon and slices his head off. The head falls directly into what is now a record-breakingly sustained stream of pee. Pumpkin Karver had to really work to get there, but it made it -- this dead asshole was peeing into his own mouth!