No Holds Barred (1989)
No Holds Barred is a movie about pro wrestling where pro wrestling is real. This requires the viewer to suspend his or her disbelief in two different directions at once. It's like closing your eyes and pretending your wife is someone else, and that someone else is pretending they're not Batman. All of Hulk Hogan's movies have an extra layer like that. For instance, Mr. Nanny was an allegory for matriarchal societies and in Suburban Commando, he was a talking dog fire chief the entire time. Deal with that, your mind.
No Holds Barred is the kind of movie you would write if you were trying to get a film director to kill himself. The script reads like a transcription of a toddler getting its stomach pumped and there are so many non-human hormones pumping through the cast members that each set had to be legally zoned as an animal shelter. It's tough to enjoy even for me, and I take prescription drugs for my Hulkamania just so the California state government will allow me near t-shirts.
However, there's a moment in this movie where Hulk Hogan hulks out so hard that 20 years later, it was the first thing coroners wrote on "Macho Man" Randy Savage's death certificate. Hulk Hogan escapes from a limousine by jumping through the roof and while physics is still trying to figure out what happened, he kills 10 men with pro wrestling. This alone would be amazing enough, but it ends with Hulk Hogan ripping the door off the limo and yanking out the terrified driver. He snarls at him, and not just a little bit. He snarls at him long past the point where it makes sense. It's a good 15 straight seconds of two men making monster sounds at each other. Out of context, you'd swear a rabies doctor had made the world's most unethical sex tape. It goes on for so long that I think Hulk might have forgotten his lines, but that's impossible since his next two lines are "What's that smell?" and "Dookie!?" followed by history's most intense and hilarious awkward pause.
The Pumpkin Karver (2006)
A Harsh Lesson in Farm Safety
It's hard to say why someone made The Pumpkin Karver. It's a slasher film set on a farm where teenagers are partying and a grumpy old man enjoys carving pumpkins. They live in a world where scratching faces into pumpkins is some kind of dynamic field of art, so most of the dialog is about pumpkin carving. The teenagers eventually get stalked by a supernatural ghost monster, who now that I think about, is the one character in the movie that has no interest in pumpkin carving. It's bizarre in stupid, confusing, childish ways. It feels like the filmmaker threw a movie together as an excuse for why he got caught carving dickholes into 3,000 pumpkins.
One character you'll particularly hate is Toga Teen #2. He's supposed to be the comic relief which is strange since the actor playing him has the comic timing of polio. If he worked as a mortuary makeup artist, his boss would describe him as the one with no sense of humor. When he puts his mouth over your asshole, people stop laughing at your farts. The only highlight of the movie comes when this guy leaves the party to climb a tractor combine and pee into a pumpkin patch. Even in a film without an insane reverence for pumpkins, you'd recognize this as horror movie shorthand for "this character is about to die." And holy shit does that happen.
The miserable failure mumbles out a series of anti-jokes as he starts peeing. Most people would stop this once a mysterious stranger starts knifing them in the back, but not Toga Teen #2. He stands perfectly still, continues peeing and wonders who might be responsible for all that knifing. Three chops and half a minute later, the murderer, who is probably as confused by the guy's reaction as the audience is, switches to a new weapon and slices his head off. The head falls directly into what is now a record-breakingly sustained stream of pee. Pumpkin Karver had to really work to get there, but it made it -- this dead asshole was peeing into his own mouth!
The Minotaur's Rude Interruption
In the early days of planned parenthood, abortions were performed by putting your babies into a maze and letting The Minotaur devour their innocence. It's how the tradition of abortion doctors wearing the heads of bulls got started. The film Minotaur tried to capture this whimsy but missed. The dialog is so clumsy and insane that it feels like the actors are trading lines they overheard from hobo conversations. Plus, it's set back in the time of minotaurs, so everyone has his or her own version of a fruity half-British Renaissance Faire accent. One of the most common misunderstandings in Hollywood is that when an actor hears the words "period piece" he thinks, "Oh, like I'm having my period. Cool, I can talk like that. Hark! Wherefore shan't there be a cock upon mine lips?"
Most of the movie is unpleasant people arguing in a dark maze and the rest is the actor who played Candyman with his shirt off, ad-libbing the creepiest things he can think of. Tony Todd and his nude torso hisses about newborn flesh, his seed and of course The Minotaur. And speaking of, The Minotaur shows up about as often as you'd think it would in a film that has the special effects budget of a movie about minotaurs. That asshole is never there. Dammit, Minotaur, if we liked sitting in a dark maze surrounded by monsters we couldn't see, we wouldn't have cried for help when our parents left us with our birthday magician.
When The Minotaur finally shows up, it's totally worth the wait. The Minotaur may suck in every other possible way, but he has seen Deep Blue Sea, and he has learned a thing or two about dramatic timing. In his best scene, a girl starts telling the other people in the maze how much she hates everything. Unknown to them all, The Minotaur is hiding in the shadows behind her. This is not an easy thing to do when you're 10- feet-tall and your head is a cow. In fact, most minotaur scientists would call into question this entire scene's credibility. But not everything is about you, minotaur scientists.
At the risk of spoiling the only good part of this movie (shown on right), the girl's whining is suddenly and spectacularly interrupted by a minotaur horn blasting through her head and out of her mouth. There are 73 ways to say, "Shut the fuck up" in the Minotaur language, but this one is the most common. What's strange is that the special effects for a spike coming out of a woman's face are good -- far, far better than any of the others in the movie. It's so convincing that I think Minotaur might have been made to cover up a forklift accident someone accidentally filmed.
I won't cue this video up to the cranky girl dying; that way it'll be a surprise when a minute in, a horn explodes her face:
Wicker Man (2006)
Nic Cage's Guide to Etiquette
Wicker Man has several unbelievable scenes, but nothing compares to Nicolas Cage dressed as a bear, sprinting across a meadow and sucker punching a woman. American audiences consider it one of the worst horror films of all time, but in Afghanistan, it's been the No. 1 romantic comedy for four straight years.