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8 Fictional Weapons That Are Too Dangerous to Actually Use

#4. Masamune Sword

People mock Cloud's Buster Sword from Final Fantasy VII for being unwieldy and having a ridiculously high center of gravity. Because that's why taking up a sword against tanks is a bad idea.

Square Enix
He uses his hair to sharpen the sword, and vice versa.

If you're going to attack giant robotic Ultima-beam-blasting dragon-centaurs with a pointy bit of metal, it needs to at least ignore physics. Anything realistic can't touch an enemy like that. The real stupidest sword belonged to Auron in Final Fantasy X. That was a game about dreams of family dancing to let the souls of loved ones rest in peace, and Auron is how they prevented the discs from spontaneously turning into lace doilies. He was so tough that he died but refused to fade away until he had killed the immortal wizard who was responsible, and the fact that the wizard was already dead didn't stop him. He's more badass than a sumo bathroom after all-you-can-eat chili night.

Square Enix
The only man to make "the Napoleon" look intimidating. Including Napoleon.

He starts the game with what looks like a fruit knife, albeit a fruit knife in a world where bears have been misclassified as fruit. His unlockable Celestial Weapon is the Masamune.

Square Enix

You know Final Fantasy has gotten ridiculous about hairstyles when even the swords have split ends. That's not a sword -- those are the tongs they'll forge when they work out that the materia rocks constantly glowing and shooting flame and lightning are radioactive. That looks better for removing an Orc's wisdom teeth than its head. The only enemies that would inconvenience are the ones who can't commute to the battle because you're holding their train's transmission linkage.

Square Enix
It was also in Final Fantasy X-2, because everything terrible about Final Fantasy was in X-2.

The world has a thousand different styles of sword, and the only thing they all agree on is that it has to be a big piece of metal and you don't split it down the middle. The end of the Masamune is cored out and bent and has sharp angles. They couldn't make a sword break faster if they used it to stab Bruce Banner.

#3. Cyborg Arm

Robotic arms are the ultimate extension of weightlifting, turning human beings directly into forklifts and expecting people to be impressed. They're often used when they want to make a character a cyborg but leave him mostly human and relatable. Which is pointless, because RoboCop scientifically proved that the only thing you need to make everyone in the world love you is a chin.

Orion
He's not the happiest looking man in the world ...

Orion
... but everyone thinks he's pleased to see them.

But RoboCop is perfect. The problems start when you only convert a single limb. The first problem with a bionic arm is that you'll look like a wanker despite that now being a dangerous extreme sport for you.

GRIN
His right hand is his wife. No, really. As in "the plot of this game is REALLY stupid."

When robotic superstrength meets human fleshbag, it ends the same way, no matter whose side the robot started on: blood-soaked machinery and a leaking bag. If the Bionic Commando fires his grappling hand at a faraway tree and winches in the cable, that tree is now one arm richer, while the commando formerly known as bionic bleeds out on the ground. If you tell your bionic arm to lift a 10-ton weight, it grips and bends, and the 10-ton weight and your shoulder blade have a very brief tug of war about who's more likely to get ripped out of what. Even if you lift it by some miracle, that's the first miracle ending in paralysis, as every non-bionic part of your body collapses under the weight. To give you a bionic limb working beyond human ability, they'd have to upgrade so much of the rest of your body that it'd be faster for them to just build a brand new robot and give it your driver's license.

#2. Cobra Knife

If you've ever wanted to win a fight with an Australian, here's how you do it.

JM Distributors
That's not a knife, because THIS STABBED YOUR KNIFE-GODS, YOU HAVE ONLY BLUNT METAL NOW.

The '80s action movie Cobra created the most insane knife ever for their insane psycho killer, and in a terrifying crossover with another type of '80s movie plot, this knife escaped into the real world. Seriously. Hollywood designed a lunatic knife for a character called the Night Slasher, real live people said, "I want that," and capitalism worked out the exact exchange rate of cash to innocent lives by selling it to them.

That's a gutting knife with a ripping hook connected to brass knuckles studded with punch-spikes. That's not a product description, that's how you try to get Pinhead hot with dirty talk. That's blades in so many directions, it repels vampires for 10 miles, and the Zerg obey whoever holds it.

This is a custom stabber's weapon. Not stabbing: stabber. It's designed to be utterly unsheathable. Even attempting to put it down is taking the life of your hands into your hands. That's a knife for someone who never, ever needs their right hand for anything but slashing. Fortunately, holding it instantly warns the entire world to keep out of slashing range. If police see you holding one, I think they're allowed to call in an airstrike. If you hold this, you're not hunting monsters, you are the monster, and you have at most 90 minutes before a cop leaps right over the edge to exterminate you.

#1. LIGHT-SABER-CHUCKS

The light saber is how you swashbuckle on a starship without too many people calling bullshit. It can cut through anything and blocks incoming fire with a combination of Jedi foresight, trained reflexes, and hoping no one discovers shotguns or any other weapon that can fire blasts wider than two centimeters.

LucasArts
"Hope don't run into redneck, do I."

The double-ended light saber is like the double-ended sex toy: both people involved are screwed. Even the most basic move disembowels at least one person. Obi-Wan Kenobi didn't really cut Darth Maul in half, it was just the Force balancing how it should have happened the first time he twirled his double light saber staff. Then Sith Asajj Ventress thought, "Those aren't stupid enough yet."

LucasArts
That looks like a late night infomercial for "Light sabering made easy!"

Her curved handles can be locked together.

LucasArts, Del Rey
The only thing that shape is good for is hand-cranking a car.

The light sabers could only be more difficult and less appealing to grip if Jabba the Hutt swallowed them.

But the paired sabers could be unlocked, linked by a fiber cable, and whipped around as light-saber-chucks. If my father had known about that, he could have skipped the whole birds and bees talk. That phrase would have taken priority.

LucasArts
This is the best picture available, as every other shot ended with half a camera.

If anyone saw a problem with whipping things around controlled only by a cable when their one and only function is "cuts through everything, including cables," they were too busy with a faceful of light saber to say anything. Luckily, the Star Wars universe has the one monster you could safely use these against. Just fall into the Sarlacc pit, remind Boba Fett that he has a jet pack so that he can get out, and twirl away. That way it can safely digest the newly bite-sized idiot chunks to remove all evidence of your stupidity.



Luke loves his insane chainsaw-gun and used it to reveal The Truth Behind Gears of War: Judgment. And he reveals even stupider additions to video games in The Descent of Downloadable Content. Luke also has a Tumblr and responds to every single tweet.



And for actual monsters that need actual slaying, check out 6 Terrifying Creatures That Keep Going After They're Dead and 23 Small Changes That Make Adorable Things Terrifying.

And for more on things that go bump in the night, click here.

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Luke McKinney

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