#4. The Tampon Wedding Dress
There are a lot of ways a wedding dress can go wrong: feathers, stickers, baby bumps, being on Pamela Anderson, etc. But I'm only going to identify my top two ways to ruin a wedding dress:
A. Use wool.
B. Make it look like a phallus or unused tampon.
And that's about it for me. In 1965, designer Yves Saint Laurent crocheted a wedding dress that was inspired by Russian nesting dolls. If you squint so hard that you look like Gilbert Gottfried after emerging from a month in a cave, then, yeah, you can kind of see the resemblance.
But imagining your way into appreciating this nightmare of a dress takes far too much work for a casual wedding attendee, especially when the groom passed out from the shock of mistaking his bride for a walking dildo and the bride passed out from the heat of wearing the equivalent of 30 sweaters. Even if you manage to endure the spectacle of seeing a Stormtrooper bride, you've still got to greet the woman whose hands are crocheted into a praying position. How? How do you keep a straight face when you're shaking hands with a giant tampon? Don't plan on hugging her unless you happen to be of the stumpy-armed variety, in which case this wedding dress is the least of your problems.
George Doyle/Valueline/Getty Images
"You look ... beautiful?"
Plus, what will this woman look like on her wedding night? Wool is hot and itchy, and she's got it covering everything but her face. Would you want to spend your honeymoon with the personification of a WebMD rash picture? Don't answer that, weirdo sex freaks.
#3. She's Hungry Like the Wolf
For once, this model's wolfish gaze isn't because she just ate a celery and air pizza. (I acknowledge that the sweater isn't a wolf face but a fox face, but I couldn't resist a Duran Duran joke. Could you in the same situation? Are you sure?) Considering that the designer is the same guy who came up with the jacket made of Kermit puppets, this sweater is actually pretty tame.
In this case, designer Jean-Charles de Castelbajac called his runway show "Foxy Lady" and stuck a giant knitted fox on someone's chest, because why bother with subtlety when you can PUT A GIANT FOX ON A WOMAN'S CHEST and call it fashion? If the model's boobs were trick-or-treating, this fox face would be their mask. Best scenario of all, imagine that this is a tiny woman with a stunted torso riding a giant fox. It's easier if you pretend her hands are legs and are probably wearing tiny stirrups just out of the shot.
While every other outfit on this list is like a train wreck that you can't look away from, this one is mesmerizing. It's like the designer fell in love with The Fantastic Mr. Fox and couldn't move forward until he gave the world his own grotesque spin on the movie. Don't look too long into the fox's eyes, though. You'll fall asleep and never wake up.
#2. The Scarf That Someone Forgot to Finish
You know how it goes. One minute you're preparing for a menswear show in Milan, the next minute your Euro/techno/house/trance/banjo/spoken word intro music starts up and it's time to send your models down the runway. It's not until Klaude-Michaele is halfway down the catwalk that you realize you FORGOT TO CAST OFF your knitwear! Even more embarrassing, you accidentally used comically GIANT KNITTING NEEDLES! The kind they use for teaching preschoolers and amputees! You're about to be the laughingstock of Milan! Again!
"Screw it," you hiss in Italian. "Let's-a pretend-a we meant to not-a finish knitting all along-a." (You switched to English for that part.) And so it was that the Frankie Morello brand sent an unfinished scarf down the runway for the fall 2011 collection and no one laughed or pointed. In other words, everyone fell for it. No one was even bothered by the "click click click click" sound that accompanies a set of pacing knitting needles. Plus, the designers behind this aborted arts and craft project made double sure no one mistook their accident for an actual accident by jamming two separate knitting needles into an altogether different hat:
Have you ever seen a man try so hard to not look at the sharp pointy thing dangling near his head? Evolution primed us to avoid this exact situation. This guy must be on the next level of humanity -- the one where we don't mind knitting needles right up next to our cool, fierce eyeballs. Or balls balls, if you're the guy wearing the scarf above.
#1. Munsters Inc.
Before I say anything else about what you see above, I want to make a point about how ridiculous the fashion world is. What you're looking at is American designer Thom Browne's line of monster-inspired menswear, which debuted in January 2012. In January 2013, the exact same guy designed Michelle Obama's Inauguration Day coat.
Nicholas Kamm/AFP/Getty Images
Most normal people would take one look at this guy's design aesthetic and run for the hills, literally, because he made his models look like monsters. Or a cross between monsters and football players from the 1920s -- scary, fast guys in either case.
Pierre Verdy/AFP/Getty Images
But Thom Browne isn't some recent fashion school grad trying to get the grown-ups to notice him. He's famous. The prettiest people in the world are wearing his clothes right now, including the most fashion-conscious first lady since Bess Truman. Michelle Obama wore Thom Browne's coat AFTER he had the nerve to send the world's saddest jailbird/businessman out on the runway.
So I can joke and laugh and point and mock all I want, but I obviously don't know the first thing about fashion, thank goodness.