One of my great joys in life is checking random videos on YouTube right before bed and then realizing four hours later that I've forgotten to sleep. I love finding those buried gems that make you say, "Why the hell am I laughing at this? And why doesn't this have 100 million views?" Thankfully, as the hit counters in those four links show, I'm not the only one who likes stupid videos, and that probably brings me way more pride than it should. That being said, if you find your own hidden gem you'd like to share with the world, we have a thread for that right in our forums, which is where I've found many of these awesome displays of horrifying comedy. For instance ...
#8. Nice Peace
I've never been one for that whole "Japan is so wacky crazy" niche of comedy, because if you pick through any country's entertainment long enough, you're going to find some bizarre shit. From an outside eye, American TV must look like complete psychopathic chaos. That aside, this actually is complete psychopathic chaos.
According to the worst translation I have ever seen, it's from a Japanese kids' show called Uncle Sailor, and the tiny balding man wearing what we Americans call a schoolgirl fetish outfit is called "Faint Ann, Lance Ear Field Incense." I think. I don't even care if that's a mistranslation -- that is the greatest name ever made for anyone on Earth, and that's what I'm calling him.
In America, this would be a punishment. "You sit down and watch Uncle Sailor and think about what you did!"
He's singing a song called "Nice Peace," and the lyrics are:
Nice peace, nice peace
Nice peace, nice peace
Nice peace, nice peace
Only one for all.
And really, I can't think of more fitting lyrics to use as a vehicle for halting world violence, nor a more fitting man to deliver that message:
Really, I think the looks on those kids' faces say more about this video than anything I could possibly contrive:
In any culture, that's body language for "What. The. Fuck?"
#7. "I'M OK!"
In 2006, Andy Harpole uploaded a video of himself breaking an acoustic guitar on his head, and why that video is sitting under 200,000 views is beyond me. It's not just that he's breaking a guitar on his head ... it's the angry reassurance, to who I'm assuming is his mother, that he is fine. Over and over, he slams the guitar into his head with a sickening WHAP! and follows each attempt with "I'm OK." WHAP! "I'm OK!" WHAP! "I'M OK!"
When it finally breaks, he gives it one more shot and then drops to the floor. His mother, being concerned for his safety, ends the video by saying, "Now pick all the shit up that flew everywhere. It's all over the sofa and the floor." It's so awesome that my views alone are threatening to push it into the million-views club.
#6. Bad Gay Porn Acting
With the exception of language, this is totally safe for work. There's no sex in this video -- only the horrible dialogue leading up to it. We've all seen bad-porn-acting videos before, even if it was just in the form of a comedy parody. But man, I'm telling you, this really is something special.
One guy walks up and apologizes as he catches another man peeing in the woods. The second guy says, "Sorry for what? Our daddy taught us not to be ashamed of our dicks. Especially since they're such a good size and all." The first guy agrees, adding, "Your daddy gave you good advice." And really, if you can't be a dad who teaches his kids about dick shame, you shouldn't be a father. After Chad Woodspee explains that sometimes he pulls his dick so hard, it rips the skin, the other man does the neighborly thing and offers him a blow job.
But it's their delivery that really sells the scene. It's like handing a stick of deodorant to a third grader and having him read the ingredients aloud. Honestly, if all gay porn was like this, it's all I'd watch. Oh, what the hell -- while we're on the subject of gay sex ...
#5. Mafia Orgy
I'm going to declare this one not safe for work, even though everyone in it is a fully clothed video game character. That's how good it is.
I don't know what game it's from, and I don't care. I don't know how this person made the video, and I equally don't care. It's a mafia scene that starts out with the type of dialogue you'd expect from a random Scorsese movie, but just as you're about to close out the window, BAM! Gay mafia orgy.
"UGH! UGH! UGH!"
All of the vocals are done in a generic text-to-voice program, so it just continues to slip ever further from bizarre to surreal as one of the men flatly says, "Yeah. Fuck that tight ass," followed by the entire room erupting into fully clothed butt sex.
Further, it slides into a three-man golden shower as the recipient stripper-dances on a tiger skin rug:
And finally it reaches the deepest recesses of hell when a man gets a reverse cowgirl as his head spasms and thrashes like a demon from Hellraiser. I've watched this video so many times, I feel like I need to convert to Catholicism just to use the confession booth.