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One of my great joys in life is checking random videos on YouTube right before bed and then realizing four hours later that I've forgotten to sleep. I love finding those buried gems that make you say, "Why the hell am I laughing at this? And why doesn't this have 100 million views?" Thankfully, as the hit counters in those four links show, I'm not the only one who likes stupid videos, and that probably brings me way more pride than it should. That being said, if you find your own hidden gem you'd like to share with the world, we have a thread for that right in our forums, which is where I've found many of these awesome displays of horrifying comedy. For instance ...

Nice Peace

I've never been one for that whole "Japan is so wacky crazy" niche of comedy, because if you pick through any country's entertainment long enough, you're going to find some bizarre shit. From an outside eye, American TV must look like complete psychopathic chaos. That aside, this actually is complete psychopathic chaos.

According to the worst translation I have ever seen, it's from a Japanese kids' show called Uncle Sailor, and the tiny balding man wearing what we Americans call a schoolgirl fetish outfit is called "Faint Ann, Lance Ear Field Incense." I think. I don't even care if that's a mistranslation -- that is the greatest name ever made for anyone on Earth, and that's what I'm calling him.

In America, this would be a punishment. "You sit down and watch Uncle Sailor and think about what you did!"

He's singing a song called "Nice Peace," and the lyrics are:

Nice peace, nice peace
Nice peace, nice peace
Nice peace, nice peace
Only one for all.

And really, I can't think of more fitting lyrics to use as a vehicle for halting world violence, nor a more fitting man to deliver that message:

Really, I think the looks on those kids' faces say more about this video than anything I could possibly contrive:

In any culture, that's body language for "What. The. Fuck?"

"I'M OK!"

In 2006, Andy Harpole uploaded a video of himself breaking an acoustic guitar on his head, and why that video is sitting under 200,000 views is beyond me. It's not just that he's breaking a guitar on his head ... it's the angry reassurance, to who I'm assuming is his mother, that he is fine. Over and over, he slams the guitar into his head with a sickening WHAP! and follows each attempt with "I'm OK." WHAP! "I'm OK!" WHAP! "I'M OK!"

When it finally breaks, he gives it one more shot and then drops to the floor. His mother, being concerned for his safety, ends the video by saying, "Now pick all the shit up that flew everywhere. It's all over the sofa and the floor." It's so awesome that my views alone are threatening to push it into the million-views club.

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Bad Gay Porn Acting

With the exception of language, this is totally safe for work. There's no sex in this video -- only the horrible dialogue leading up to it. We've all seen bad-porn-acting videos before, even if it was just in the form of a comedy parody. But man, I'm telling you, this really is something special.

One guy walks up and apologizes as he catches another man peeing in the woods. The second guy says, "Sorry for what? Our daddy taught us not to be ashamed of our dicks. Especially since they're such a good size and all." The first guy agrees, adding, "Your daddy gave you good advice." And really, if you can't be a dad who teaches his kids about dick shame, you shouldn't be a father. After Chad Woodspee explains that sometimes he pulls his dick so hard, it rips the skin, the other man does the neighborly thing and offers him a blow job.

But it's their delivery that really sells the scene. It's like handing a stick of deodorant to a third grader and having him read the ingredients aloud. Honestly, if all gay porn was like this, it's all I'd watch. Oh, what the hell -- while we're on the subject of gay sex ...

Mafia Orgy

I'm going to declare this one not safe for work, even though everyone in it is a fully clothed video game character. That's how good it is.

I don't know what game it's from, and I don't care. I don't know how this person made the video, and I equally don't care. It's a mafia scene that starts out with the type of dialogue you'd expect from a random Scorsese movie, but just as you're about to close out the window, BAM! Gay mafia orgy.


All of the vocals are done in a generic text-to-voice program, so it just continues to slip ever further from bizarre to surreal as one of the men flatly says, "Yeah. Fuck that tight ass," followed by the entire room erupting into fully clothed butt sex.

Further, it slides into a three-man golden shower as the recipient stripper-dances on a tiger skin rug:

And finally it reaches the deepest recesses of hell when a man gets a reverse cowgirl as his head spasms and thrashes like a demon from Hellraiser. I've watched this video so many times, I feel like I need to convert to Catholicism just to use the confession booth.

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A Thunderstorm of Trains

When Pastaspace gets bored, the whole world benefits. Well, at least our world benefits. The world of Skyrim gets its shit pounded by hundreds of trains. Trains raining from the sky, slamming into an otherwise peaceful town, exploding on impact, and flipping violently through crowds of terrified citizens. All while happy, bouncy train music plays in the background.

The rainstorm of trains is good enough all on its own, but once you tear your eyes away from the surreal chaos, that's where you find another layer of genius. The citizens and guards are all programmed with their own dialogue, so as their town gets showered with locomotives, they all scream out lines like "What the ...?" My personal favorite: "No ... not like this ..."

We should seriously make it our life's work to make sure Pastaspace never, ever stops being bored.

Not Safe for Work Due to Massive Doll Penis

I'm not saying a goddamn thing about this video, because to offer it comment is to taint its beauty.

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Shooby Taylor's Scat Song

This may very well be the stupidest thing I have ever laughed at on YouTube, and I refuse to be ashamed of that. When you hear this, you're going to swear that it's some dorky asshole doing some sort of bizarre meta comedy where he scats so bad, it becomes funny. Even if that was the case, I'd still laugh at it. But that is so not what's happening.

The song is called "Stout-Hearted Men," and it is done by an actual person named William "Shooby" Taylor, who had exactly zero comedy intentions when he recorded it. Here he is getting booed off the stage at the Apollo:

So knowing that he's real and scatting was his passion, imagine the initiative and drive it must have taken Mitchell Stewart to actually transcribe that song in the first video. The longer it goes on, the harder I laugh, reading that gibberish that gets more frantic and angry with every note.

Thomas the Tank Engine Crash Compilation

Thomas & Friends was a children's show about a bunch of trains with nightmarish faces who taught lessons about ... whatever. Making sure your wheels were always properly greased or something. All I remember is that every other episode, one of the trains would crash, and I would giggle with childish glee. Even though I was in my mid-20s.

This piece compiles all of the train crashes, and when set to Drowning Pool's "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor," it becomes the darkest, most brutal video about anthropomorphic trains ever. Admittedly, that's a pretty specific category, but when you watch this thing, you can't help but admire how horrifically violent it is. After seeing those scenes set to that song, I'm genuinely surprised we didn't all grow up to be serial killers.

John is an editor and columnist right here at Cracked, with a new article every Thursday. You can also find him on Twitter and Facebook.

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