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Hi, Internet. Cats!

While we're talking about cats, rampant cat enthusiasm has created an opportunity for any lonely maniac with a computer to publish a book, and that kind of thing doesn't go unpunished. The following eight books are the consequences of cat lovers selling ridiculous things to one another.

Please note that despite my exhaustive archaeology of the esoteric, I want to respect the attention span of any cat enthusiasts who might be reading this online. I know they're expecting Impact font and absurdism, so for those people, I ended each entry with a review written by an actual cat from the book. Of course, those people stopped reading a few sentences ago, so I guess now I'm just bragging to you about how thoughtful I am to the feelings of those dumber than us.

Feng Shui for You and Your Cat by Alison Daniels, 2000

Feng Shui for You and Your Cat is 154 pages of home decorating tips to maximize your cat's spiritual happiness, except 80 pages are just portraits of cats nowhere near furniture. It's like someone spent three years of their life taking glamour shots of pets and only made this book about furniture sorcery to not look crazy.

Let's assume for the sake of the cats that there is an invisible force called qi that flows through your apartment. It can heal wounds, cheer you up and even block yoga flames, yet it's completely foiled by an improperly facing card table. I already know it works, because every war has been won by the side with the most unimpeded qi in their foxholes. So I'm not trying to convince anyone that feng shui is real. I'm trying to say that when you're dealing with an animal that at any time may see a ghost and sprint into the wall, magical furniture arrangement is pretty irrelevant. I mean, am I right, wizards?

If an Actual Cat Reviewed It:

How to Massage Your Cat by Jane Buckle, 1996

Only about 1 percent of this book has anything to do with massage techniques, because there are only two ways to massage a cat -- regular and Of Mice and Men. Most of How to Massage Your Cat is devoted to strangely sexual encouragements to touch cats under any and all circumstances. For example, here's an excerpt from Chapter 2 -- When to Massage Your Cat:

"Well, what's wrong with starting right now? Whisper massage into your cat's ear. Linger over the S's. Your pet will respond with a curious look until he has learned the word. But then he will roll over onto his back, smile a dreamy smile and whisper back, me-ooh, now."

I can't say much for the author's sentence structure, but her raw feline sexuality has me spraying all over the wall. And that passage wasn't taken out of context for comedic purposes-- that's the entire chapter. Oh, and if you're wondering what kind of erotic mischief this sexy author got up to on page 69, I've included it here. I swear I didn't modify this in any way.

When you're talking about punchlines for cat butthole cartoons, "FIRE NUMBER 1" is what's known as a "slam dunk."

If an Actual Cat Reviewed It:

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Crafting With Cat Hair by Kaori Tsutaya, 2011

Most people waste their pet remains. I personally have so many cat skeletons piling up in my garage that many nights I can't tell where their screams end and mine begin. The fact is, nearly all sane households throw their pet hair away before they've even glued eyes to it! Not Kaori Tsutaya. She makes book covers and mittens out of hers. Thanks to her, I know how to not only harvest the hair of a cat, but also use it to patch a hole in a moth-eaten sweater! That sounds like an absurdly specialized skill, but if I'm ever in that situation, I can't think of a better way to tell nearby people they'll be the first to die.

If an Actual Cat Reviewed It:

Training & Showing Your Cat by Marie Cahill, 1991

Do you want to teach an animal tricks but have too much spare time for a dog? Then this is the book for you. Training & Showing Your Cat isn't simply for men looking for a way to tell their wives they've lost their penis. This is a comprehensive guide to cat tricks and cat runway shows. If you want to do anything to or with a cat, it's either covered in this book or you're under arrest. It is impossibly efficient. By page 23, it's already showing you how to train your cat to do this:

This book might make your cat too smart. In fact, the title of the last chapter is "You Have Trained Us Well, Human. Now Witness the Master's Reward," and it's a picture of your cat giving birth on your grave.

If an Actual Cat Reviewed It:

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Getting in TTouch With Your Cat by Linda Tellington-Jones, 2002

I mentioned earlier that there were only two ways to massage a cat. I was wrong. This book demonstrates hundreds, maybe thousands. I own books about tool-assisted omnisexual cunnilingus that are less complicated. Author Linda Tellington-Jones, inventor of the Tellington Touch, seems to have only one hobby, and it's stroking cats into transcendent bliss. Everyone thinks their cat deserves the best, but I don't care if your cat crawled into the mouth of a starving child -- no one's cat deserves this book.

As this model demonstrates, holding an animal down and rubbing it isn't an exact science.

If an Actual Cat Reviewed It:

Catflexing by Stephanie Jackson, 1997

Close your eyes for five seconds and picture grabbing a cat and using it as exercise equipment. You now know how to say hello in North Korea. You also know as much about Catflexing as Stephanie Jackson, the author of Catflexing. In fact, your ideas might be better, since most of Stephanie's involve stretching while a confused animal watches. Stephanie wasn't the first person to come up with the idea of swinging a cat through the air, but it's possible she's the first one who considers one of them "correct."

After 15 years, Catflexing is still the only way to taunt a pet with death while you get fit. Learn more from the Internet's me or TV's Stephen Colbert.

If an Actual Cat Reviewed It:

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Dancing With Cats by Burton Silver & Heather Busch, 1999

There's no way to explain this book other than this: It's a photographic study of pet owners merging spiritually with their cats through musical expression. Actually, wait. I thought of another: Dancing With Cats is like walking in on your gym coach having sex with you, then hearing the universe shriek as it realizes its mistake. No one was meant to see what is in this book.

For the first 27 pages, hippies prance with their pets and unburned witches share the skin of their familiars, but nothing can prepare the reader for the exposed ass and soul of Fred dancing with his cat Fluff.

Fred's Roommate: Fred? What's going on in there? I hear music and yowling. Are you ... are you raping the cat!?

Fred: No. Worse.

If an Actual Cat Reviewed It:

Glamourpuss: The Enchanting World of Kitty Wigs by Julie Jackson, 2009

Not every woman has a human baby she can shake. For those women, they invented kitty wigs. Fabulous and infuriating, kitty wigs are how cats say the word "Hitlerfuck."

Each formerly non-suicidal cat in the book is dolled up in a different wig and sometimes glasses, but all of them have the same expression:

If a kitty wig isn't being pawed off in a hissing, feral fit, that's because someone spent a lot of time breaking that kitty cat's will. You can't do that with torture alone. You have to find who that cat loves and rip them apart in front of it. There's more misery behind every kitty wig photo than there is behind a Firefly fans singles mixer.

If an Actual Cat Reviewed It:

Seanbaby invented being funny on the Internet when he created Seanbaby.com. Follow him on Twitter.

For more terrible things he's found, see What Are Your Top 5 Crime Scene Albums? or 4 Unintentionally Hilarious Guides to Depressing Situations.

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