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8 Books That Prove Cat Lovers Are Insane

#4. Getting in TTouch With Your Cat by Linda Tellington-Jones, 2002

I mentioned earlier that there were only two ways to massage a cat. I was wrong. This book demonstrates hundreds, maybe thousands. I own books about tool-assisted omnisexual cunnilingus that are less complicated. Author Linda Tellington-Jones, inventor of the Tellington Touch, seems to have only one hobby, and it's stroking cats into transcendent bliss. Everyone thinks their cat deserves the best, but I don't care if your cat crawled into the mouth of a starving child -- no one's cat deserves this book.

As this model demonstrates, holding an animal down and rubbing it isn't an exact science.

If an Actual Cat Reviewed It:

#3. Catflexing by Stephanie Jackson, 1997

Close your eyes for five seconds and picture grabbing a cat and using it as exercise equipment. You now know how to say hello in North Korea. You also know as much about Catflexing as Stephanie Jackson, the author of Catflexing. In fact, your ideas might be better, since most of Stephanie's involve stretching while a confused animal watches. Stephanie wasn't the first person to come up with the idea of swinging a cat through the air, but it's possible she's the first one who considers one of them "correct."

After 15 years, Catflexing is still the only way to taunt a pet with death while you get fit. Learn more from the Internet's me or TV's Stephen Colbert.

If an Actual Cat Reviewed It:

#2. Dancing With Cats by Burton Silver & Heather Busch, 1999

There's no way to explain this book other than this: It's a photographic study of pet owners merging spiritually with their cats through musical expression. Actually, wait. I thought of another: Dancing With Cats is like walking in on your gym coach having sex with you, then hearing the universe shriek as it realizes its mistake. No one was meant to see what is in this book.

For the first 27 pages, hippies prance with their pets and unburned witches share the skin of their familiars, but nothing can prepare the reader for the exposed ass and soul of Fred dancing with his cat Fluff.

Fred's Roommate: Fred? What's going on in there? I hear music and yowling. Are you ... are you raping the cat!?

Fred: No. Worse.

If an Actual Cat Reviewed It:

#1. Glamourpuss: The Enchanting World of Kitty Wigs by Julie Jackson, 2009

Not every woman has a human baby she can shake. For those women, they invented kitty wigs. Fabulous and infuriating, kitty wigs are how cats say the word "Hitlerfuck."

Each formerly non-suicidal cat in the book is dolled up in a different wig and sometimes glasses, but all of them have the same expression:

If a kitty wig isn't being pawed off in a hissing, feral fit, that's because someone spent a lot of time breaking that kitty cat's will. You can't do that with torture alone. You have to find who that cat loves and rip them apart in front of it. There's more misery behind every kitty wig photo than there is behind a Firefly fans singles mixer.

If an Actual Cat Reviewed It:

Seanbaby invented being funny on the Internet when he created Seanbaby.com. Follow him on Twitter.

For more terrible things he's found, see What Are Your Top 5 Crime Scene Albums? or 4 Unintentionally Hilarious Guides to Depressing Situations.

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