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8 Bizarre Horrors Found in the Squarest Comic Book Ever

I showed you earlier how much Little Archie enjoyed punching girls, but it went deeper than that. He had a pathological need to destroy them. It can't be a coincidence that he always denied them exactly the thing they wanted most. If Veronica was looking for a date for the dance, he would smell it on her and reject her before she even thought to ask. If Betty was leaving for the pet store, Archie was already there, silently squeezing the kittens' final breaths into his mouth.


"And bitch, maybe try crying over in the flower garden. I already watered the lawn."

Archie had an immense talent for crushing girls' souls. He was the Michael Jordan and Wilt Chamberlain of emotional abuse. In fact, if we kept statistics on torturing women, Jordan and Wilt would technically be the Little Archies of basketball. This redheaded monster would attack not only a girl's weaknesses, but her strengths. Watch here how he uses Evelyn's own kindness and bravery against her in a hilarious murder attempt:


All the best Little Archie pranks end with a disgraced girl questioning her self-worth.


"Fuck you, stupid girls! H-hold on ... how am I this comic's protagonist?"

You're probably wondering what kind of effect all this abuse had on the self-esteem of Riverdale's girls. Well, I don't have good news. This next comic is absolutely real and presented in its entirety:

So I'm not saying this Little Archie writer beats his wife, but it seems like a strange coincidence that he perfectly describes the vicious cycle of abuse in a single page. Take a look at it: spitting, caning, unwanted reptile, pelting, apology, repeat. It's uncanny. This is supposed to be some cute story, but if you had a 10-year-old daughter with an alcoholic boyfriend, this is no different from the educational pamphlet her therapist would give her.

So we've established that Archie hated women and the overweight with a passion. But so what? So does every person at the Lane Bryant returns department. What made Little Archie special was that he hated everyone. For every reason.


"If you're shootin' marbles and smackin' bitches with me, you know I gotsta git paid."

He was selfish, conniving, cruel ... you know what? I can save us a lot of time by saying he was, without exaggeration, the literal 9/11 of Hitler rape.

This is a classic Little Archie prank. First, you cut the brakes and steering to a car. Next, several children die. I confess that I don't quite get it. Maybe they were hoping readers would have a rare learning disorder that mixed up their mangled shapes into something fun? That seems like a desperate way to write comedy, but let me give it a shot: triangle, triangle, dying child with forgiving eyes.

Readers of Archie comics know that he spent most of high school being tormented by Reggie and Moose. Well, he deserved it. Back when he was Little Archie, he was a sociopathic criminal. If he wasn't punching you, it was only because his hands were too full of your belongings. And he didn't limit his bullying to humans.


Jesus. The world should hate you so much, Archie.

There really was no warning when Archie would strike. One minute you're his loyal dog. The next you're a stupid asshole. One minute you're his best friend in math class. The next ...


You don't normally see much giant dick and milk squirting in a kids' comic.

If you are a child in Riverdale, you personally are abducted once every 47 seconds. It's the only city in America with 0 percent unemployment because every citizen works three kidnapping jobs. You can't even have a conversation in a Riverdale parking lot over the sound of pounding and screams coming from every trunk. Let's take a look at how a typical Little Archie story starts:

Did you see Archie's smiling face at the start of that story? He's smiling because this is normal. It's not some special issue on stranger safety or white slavery. A man coming into your room and wrapping a rag around your head is how most kids spend their evening in Little Archie's universe.


In Riverdale, they just call it "Sleepaway Camp."


"Gasp! W-who are you!? You're not my regular Wednesday kidnapper!"


This is how you sarcastically say, "Oh great. THIS again," in sign language.


How many tied up children do you need to draw before police fire at you on sight? Ten?


Twenty?


If the artist hung this picture in a museum, it would be called "Self-Portrait."


OK, I bet Little Archie was legitimately surprised by this one.

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