At one point in their lives, everyone Googles themselves. Personally, I always add my name to an Internet search just to make sure the pornography I'm about to look at involves me. But here are eight individuals who are so self-obsessed that they don't even need nudity to masturbate when they find themselves on the Web. Please enjoy 8 Assholes Who Found This Article By Googling Themselves.
8Tila Tequila Tila Tequila first appeared in Fantastic Four #13, and is the poster girl for Internet Fame Whore. At first glance she seems to be a naked Earth woman, but upon scrutiny you realize that someone attacked a giant-headed boy and gave it breast implants during a knife fight. She became famous for her massive amount of MySpace friends, and to give you an idea of how loyal these Internet friends were, when she asked them to buy her song, so few of them did that it legally stopped existing. Her music is so unappreciated that she might as well have put her tits away and led a dignified life. Trees falling in the woods have more fans. Her real name is Tila Nguyen because the people of Vietnam never invented a second last name. Which means asking Vietnamese children to line up alphabetically is as confusing and impossible as asking Tila Tequila for her hat size. If it gets her attention, Tila will try it. She's faked pregnancies, Tweeted about domestic abuse and she was the only survivor from her engagement to a woman. She had a bisexual reality dating show that gave my Tivo genital sores. It was so disgusting that cable providers didn't even give episode descriptions. They gave warnings:
7Mr. Boston When Flavor Flav rejected Janice from The Electric Mayhem, she let mad scientists experiment on her body and then starred in a dating show of her own called I Love New York. One contestant was Lee Marks, who she nicknamed Mr. Boston. He was a nerd in every direction. He moved like space squids hollowed out a sex offender and were drunk driving him. He was so confused about women that he couldn't get laid inside Tila Tequila. Mr. Boston thought breast feeding was something you did with gravy and a fat girl and watching him try to figure out dating was more tense than watching someone with disseminated sclerosis try to disarm a bomb by candlelight. And he wasn't trying to score with a girl from his chess club. He was trying to hook up with a cartoon of a black woman capable of losing skis in her vagina. If Mr. Boston aimed a motorcycle at New York while she was in stirrups, she wouldn't even look up from her magazine. Boston went on to do I Love Money, a reality show that humiliated fame whores without the pretext of finding them dates, and one game involved everyone cramming money into their speedos. This was a problem for Mr. Boston since he'd already secretly filled his speedo with toilet paper to disguise his medically hilarious penis. He had a tough decision to make. Almost immediately, he on camera began removing wad after wad of dick padding from his panties to make room for cash. There has never been a clearer visual metaphor for someone trading their dignity for money. Mr. Boston will let you crap in his mouth if you promise to write him a check and tell people about it. So here's his reality: Mr. Boston is now famous for having a tiny dong, being terrible with women and looking like a late term abortion in his speedo. Unfortunately, Mr. Boston stopped paying attention to reality after the word "famous." He thinks of himself as an ordinary celebrity and he has tried to parlay that into freeing his tubular tofu body of its virginity. Two female friends of mine have met Mr. Boston and verified that he immediately propositioned them for casual sex. So casually in fact that they thought he might not know what sex actually is. On a "Where Are They Now?" special, a tour of his home revealed that he keeps his latest STD results posted on his bedroom door so any of his "groupies" feel more comfortable giving him sex. It had all the practicality of a zombie defense plan, but seemed even less likely to be necessary.
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