8The Connecticut Ninja
A man in Vernon, Connecticut was arrested for loudly and repeatedly threatening to “beat up” Senator Joe Liebermann while dressed entirely in a black ninja outfit and brandishing a pair of nunchucks… at 11 o’clock in the morning.
What They Did Right:
Liebermann is an appropriate ninja target. He's a famous turncoat--rich and reviled by the local peasants--but the appropriate ninja approach would be to sneak into his house, or ambush his caravan, or… send him nasty glances at a party and tell people his shoes look fat, or pretty much anything besides standing on a street corner at lunchtime and hollering about beating him up.
“LIEEBERMANNN I COME FOR YOUUUU!”What They Did Wrong: The black outfit is a staple of the ninja mythos: It conceals the ninja, making him one with the night. It is beautifully simple camouflage. However, its stealthy nature does not function at certain times . Those times are: A. In Connecticut B. 11 o’clock in the morning. C. While screaming. Also, police report that the subject was “belligerent and furious” until they pulled out bean bag guns and tasers, at which point the ninja in question “became polite and cooperative.” Man, if you’re just a ninja so long as nobody launches a hacky-sack into your junk at 200-mph, then you, sir, are no ninja.
7The Ninja Always Rings Twice
they spotted two teenagers loitering in a parked vehicle. When they approached, they found the two dressed in full ninja gear--complete with knives, swords, nunchucks and a crossbow. The two were apparently planning on driving to known drug dealers houses and delivering sternly worded letters asking them to “cease impure activities” or be met with “justified yet, merciful force.”
What They Did Right:
They came seriously armed--even equipped with bulletproof vests--and again targeted a ninja-appropriate victim: Drug dealers are corrupt, and therefore it’s unlikely that their killers would be sought after with much effort. Plus there’s a lot of profit to be gained from attacking them. Textbook ninja.
No, that's a "Ninja Textbook."What They Did Wrong: A sternly worded letter? Unless that letter is ‘X’ and it’s slashed into somebody’s face, that is not ninja-approved. A ninja is not a black force that delivers the daily post; you’re thinking of Isaac, the African-American mailman.
"You are truly a mail-delivery force, Isaac!"Also, “cease impure activities” and “justified yet merciful force”? Are you threatening them or offering to give them an Engrish handjob? I’ve seen more "sternly worded" letters in Reader’s Digest concerning the quality of today’s instant oatmeal.