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8 Album Covers That White People Could Never Pull Off

#4. Heatwave -- Boogie Nights

When you see black people dressed like this, the positive energy is overwhelming. You know they're about to put on a fantastic show, or at the very least teach someone to read. On the other hand ...

What if Everyone on the Cover Was White?

When you see white people dressed like this, one of them is about to die on a motorcycle, and the rest are holding a drunk veterinarian at knifepoint until he gives your daughter an abortion.

#3. Rudy Ray Moore -- His Filthy Best

All of Rudy Ray Moore's album covers are awesome, but this is the only one that isn't half a dozen overweight naked people suspiciously unaware that they're being photographed. I've done the math, and if Dolemite had absolutely no sex life outside the pictures of him boning on his album covers, he'd still qualify as a sex addict. His Filthy Best only looks innocent, though. As any Rudy Ray Moore fan can tell you, that's the face he makes when he realizes the person under him at an orgy dislocated his or her pelvis.

What if Everyone on the Cover Was White?

That would be ridiculous.

#2. Big Bear -- Doin Thangs

Wow, those bears must be really good rappers if they can afford a taxidermied human.

What if Everyone on the Cover Was White?

Strangely enough, it would be both sexier and more terrifying.

#1. Shut Up and Dance -- Dance Before the Police Come!

If you're starting to lose your vision, don't worry. All that means is that your eyes have decided there is nothing left to look at. And I don't even dare speculate what's physically happening to you right now if you're a lady, though I imagine it sounds like ocean waves smashing into a Jell-O cargo ship.

When conceptualizing their album cover, how did Shut Up and Dance come up with the idea of combining ninja weapons with nothing else? They seem way too buff to be 10-year-olds. Maybe they knew that screaming "Dance before the police come!" only works if your listener's other option is dying on the end of your butterfly swords. I'm truly pissed off that my mortal flesh wasn't seared off when I looked upon this majesty.

What if Everyone on the Cover Was White?

It'd be a little different, but no less glorious.

Seanbaby invented being funny on the Internet at Seanbaby.com. Follow him on Twitter.

For more of his demented comic rewrites, see The 10 Most Butt References Per Second in Music History or 4 Great Sex Advice Guides for People Who Hate Sex.

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