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7 of the Worst Choices Ever Made While High

#3. Pissing on $30 Million

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Ahh, bath salts. It's the latest craze in narcotics that can turn you into a man-eating zombie freak. Except that those zombie people the media were so happy to tell you about may not actually be on bath salts at all -- the Miami cannibal Rudy Eugene had only pot in his system, and some toxicologists speculate that whatever he took was something we don't even screen for yet. I hope they call it Zomb-Eez once they discover what it is.

Though bath salts won't necessarily turn you into a cannibal (it might; who the hell knows what's in it), it is a terrible, insane drug you would do well to never take. It can lead to heart failure, liver failure, suicide, breakdown of skeletal muscle tissue, hallucinations, and paranoia. Plus, pissing on artwork.

Carmen Tisch is a bit of a drug renaissance woman. She dabbled in heroin and pills and methadone, and then one day she met bath salts and it was love at first sight. Or snort. Or butt chug. However the kids do their bath salts these days. And it was while she was on bath salts that Tisch headed to her local museum to appreciate how the world looks through a haze of insanity, and she leaned against a painting worth $30 million. "Oh no," the art lover in you might cry, "that's terrible!" It is terrible, and it got worse when she started pissing on it.

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Mmm, this is good. But it would be better dripping in wee.

I've seen drunks lean against walls while pissing on them before, but none of those walls were worth $30 million, so this was probably the sort of thing no one had ever seen before and hopefully lead to a comically awkward moment of everyone standing around in frozen bafflement.

Afterward, authorities measured the puddle of urine for evidentiary reasons. When Tisch came down off her high, she was in jail with no memory of what she'd done, because pissing on a $30 million painting is the sort of thing your brain doesn't want to hold on to under any circumstances. For what it's worth, her mighty piss stream caused only $10,000 in damage to the painting, so one bath salt urination will not destroy an entire painting, and someone out there can and apparently will repair your bladder-caused damage should you ever find yourself in a similar circumstance.

After some time in jail and two psychiatric wards, Tisch is out and about and peeing in bushes and behind Dumpsters like normal folk.

#2. 500 B&Es

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How much do you think you could reasonably blame on drugs? Like, at what point does someone doing outrageous things run out of compassion when they have an addiction of some kind? People say addiction is a disease, but would you feel that way if some addict kept pooping on your porch every day? What if that addict broke into your house? What if he broke into 500 houses? That's a shitload of houses.

Bradley Beard decided to blame meth for his criminal behavior, which included breaking into over 500 houses in four years. At 125 houses per year, he was breaking into a home every three days. It was almost a part-time job. Four grams of meth per day fueled it all, according to Beard, who performed the break-ins with his wife, a woman who also must have been addicted to meth or was just really supportive of her husband's hobbies.

Beard was sentenced to a minimum of eight years for his prolific crime spree and will spend his time in prison stealing pruno and shanks from fellow inmates.

#1. Job Interview

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There is literally nothing you can do in this life that won't be made more noteworthy by doing it naked. Everything you do in the nude is worth either a second glance or a terrified grimace. And when you start doing things like showing up for job interviews naked, you have plateaued and achieved a kind of nude supremacy that many of us will never attain.

I'm pleased this entry comes with video, because I can't fully do it justice. The awkward way the police approach the nude man who showed up for a job interview, the lackluster way they make physical contact with him, the guy who shows up to help with a sandwich in his hand -- these priceless details need to be seen to be fully enjoyed.

For those not inclined to watch because you can't possibly bear looking at another naked junkie today, what you're missing is a man who showed up at a garage to interview for a job that doesn't exist. Naturally, those within reacted in two ways -- someone called the police and someone pulled out a cellphone camera.

After a brief wrestling match and some hair pulling, the naked man was subdued by two cops and a handful of bystanders, including the aforementioned sandwich enthusiast. It's not that a naked man has superhuman nude strength, it's that no one wants to full-on wrestle a naked man, so he seems more limber than he has a right to. And, of course, the final word was that Nude McJobwanter was hopped up on meth, the one drug you can count on to make you do the most terribly newsworthy things.

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Felix Clay

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