Someone once told me drugs are bad. I think it was a man dressed like a dog, or a cartoon rabbit or something. I've taken that lesson to heart and only do molly after promising this will be the last time. Every time.
While we've all heard hilarious tales of bath salts zombies and heroin-addled buggerists, those are lame and predictable and somewhat depressing drug hijinks. Don't people do hilariously misguided things when they're high anymore? Aren't there any stories that could serve as awesome subplots in a carefree '80s sex comedy? Yes!
#7. Masturbation Cop Fight
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Imagine the worst day you ever had -- how did you deal with it? Drinking? Self-destructive behavior? Isolation and ennui? Last really bad day I had, I opted to get a tattoo and drink myself to sleep while watching high-quality '80s horror movies, and I'm pretty satisfied with that decision. But that won't suffice for all people, and it sure as shit wouldn't cut the mustard for Andrew Frey.
I'm pretty sure Frey was having a mostly bad day, but with a spot of silver around his cloud. What makes me say that? Well, he got all derped up on meth and went out for dinner, where he reportedly made quite a destructive scene. That's Frey's bad day. The silver lining, maybe the manifestation of hope that things would get better or that tomorrow was to be full of new opportunities, came in the form of masturbation. He started working his meth-imbued crank right there in the restaurant.
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Dude on the left is pumping it triple quick.
As you might predict, few diners head out to Meth, Muffins, and Masturbators to eat, so someone called the cops. You'd expect the story to end here, and probably most times it would, if not for the fact that Frey, while still masturbating, fought off the cops that came to arrest him. They shot him with a Taser and he kept masturbating. In total, 15 cops arrived and wrestled him to the ground -- 15 cops were required to subdue him, and he didn't stop masturbating the entire time. Have you ever heard something that incredible? Frankly, I'm amazed he was even arrested. At that point the cops should have just escorted him out, congratulated him on his incredible fortitude, and sent him home.
#6. Wank Off
Speaking of penises (don't act like you weren't): Ever notice how a penis and a mushroom look a little bit alike? And have you ever taken hallucinogenic mushrooms? And then have you ever ripped off a human penis with your bare hands in some kind of gore-laced freakshow that shames every anti-drug PSA ever produced? Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself.
A 41-year-old man in Columbus, Ohio, was enjoying some mushrooms of the mystical and magical variety one evening, when a series of curious events took place. The first was that he found his way to a middle school in the middle of the night. You already know this story is about penis. Well, now it's about awkward penis. The second curious event I have spoiled for you already -- after he tripped an alarm, police arrived to find the man naked, screaming, and bleeding profusely thanks to the fact he ripped off his own wiener.
Now, as tragic as member dismemberment is, you know you want to know what he thought his dick was as much as I do. I like to think, in his head, it turned into that snake from Beetlejuice that still had Beetlejuice's face, and he was all, "Oh shit!" He probably wrestled with it for a good while before he got the upper hand, and then, when he finally won the fight and decapitated the beast, the pain hit and he realized the son of a bitch had been tricking him the whole time.
#5. Prosthetic Boob Crash
Have you heard the saying "Meth: Not even once"? The reason that saying exists is because meth is the narcotic equivalent of sex with someone you met on a bus. Maybe it'll be a fun night, or maybe your face will melt off and you'll be found in a gutter somewhere cloaked in the feces of all creatures great and small. It's a gamble, and there aren't many winners.
Taking meth abuse to the next level, Johnathan Harty did the following things, in no particular order: ate some delicious meth crystals, put on a pair of prosthetic boobies, and took his kids for a drive. Actually, that's probably the exact order he did things in. At 11:30 that night, he decided to take his two daughters to the dollar store and proceeded down the interstate at speeds of up to 100 mph, crashing into no less than three other cars, nearly flipping one over, before crashing his own car into a barrier.
You try to drive with these things distracting you!
The first person to the scene couldn't get Harty to open his door, so they tried to rescue his 6- and 4-year-old daughters instead. When cops showed up, Harty claimed he was just having a dream of being at the car wash. You know that dream, right? You're in the car wash, prosthetic boobs on, no pants, and did I mention the nearly full bottle of urine on the floor? That's how they found him, anyway.
While the Faces of Meth campaign is a fine way to deter potential meth users, an even more effective method would be scaring young people with their pantsless, prosthetic-boobed father driving them into oncoming traffic while he pisses in a bottle.
#4. Ancient Tree on Fire
The Senator Tree was a 3,500-year-old cypress growing in Florida. Florida, being the Australia of America, could not allow something to exist there for that long without something comically tragic or tragically comical happening to it.
The Senator Tree was believed to be the fifth oldest tree in the world. It was alive at the birth of the Maya civilization. It existed when the Phoenicians developed an alphabet. It was burned down by a meth head.
Sara Barnes and a friend, aficionados of drug use in the great outdoors, often used the Senator Tree as a place to get wasted and think about all the ... stuff ... and ... fuckin' ...
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It's like ... because ... yeaaaah man!
On Jan. 16, 2012, Barnes was having issues seeing her meth properly inside the tree, so she lit a fire to be better able to do meth inside a tree. The big points to take away from this are that she was physically inside a hollow in the tree, and she lit a fire in there. In a twist that wouldn't surprise anyone but a meth addict, the tree caught on fire. Because it was made of wood. Barnes responded by filming it with her phone.
Barnes was charged with various drug-related offenses but surprisingly not with violating the rules of stunning obviousness for setting the fire in the first place.