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Someone once told me drugs are bad. I think it was a man dressed like a dog, or a cartoon rabbit or something. I've taken that lesson to heart and only do molly after promising this will be the last time. Every time.

While we've all heard hilarious tales of bath salts zombies and heroin-addled buggerists, those are lame and predictable and somewhat depressing drug hijinks. Don't people do hilariously misguided things when they're high anymore? Aren't there any stories that could serve as awesome subplots in a carefree '80s sex comedy? Yes!

Masturbation Cop Fight

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Imagine the worst day you ever had -- how did you deal with it? Drinking? Self-destructive behavior? Isolation and ennui? Last really bad day I had, I opted to get a tattoo and drink myself to sleep while watching high-quality '80s horror movies, and I'm pretty satisfied with that decision. But that won't suffice for all people, and it sure as shit wouldn't cut the mustard for Andrew Frey.

I'm pretty sure Frey was having a mostly bad day, but with a spot of silver around his cloud. What makes me say that? Well, he got all derped up on meth and went out for dinner, where he reportedly made quite a destructive scene. That's Frey's bad day. The silver lining, maybe the manifestation of hope that things would get better or that tomorrow was to be full of new opportunities, came in the form of masturbation. He started working his meth-imbued crank right there in the restaurant.

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Dude on the left is pumping it triple quick.

As you might predict, few diners head out to Meth, Muffins, and Masturbators to eat, so someone called the cops. You'd expect the story to end here, and probably most times it would, if not for the fact that Frey, while still masturbating, fought off the cops that came to arrest him. They shot him with a Taser and he kept masturbating. In total, 15 cops arrived and wrestled him to the ground -- 15 cops were required to subdue him, and he didn't stop masturbating the entire time. Have you ever heard something that incredible? Frankly, I'm amazed he was even arrested. At that point the cops should have just escorted him out, congratulated him on his incredible fortitude, and sent him home.

Wank Off

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Speaking of penises (don't act like you weren't): Ever notice how a penis and a mushroom look a little bit alike? And have you ever taken hallucinogenic mushrooms? And then have you ever ripped off a human penis with your bare hands in some kind of gore-laced freakshow that shames every anti-drug PSA ever produced? Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself.

A 41-year-old man in Columbus, Ohio, was enjoying some mushrooms of the mystical and magical variety one evening, when a series of curious events took place. The first was that he found his way to a middle school in the middle of the night. You already know this story is about penis. Well, now it's about awkward penis. The second curious event I have spoiled for you already -- after he tripped an alarm, police arrived to find the man naked, screaming, and bleeding profusely thanks to the fact he ripped off his own wiener.

Now, as tragic as member dismemberment is, you know you want to know what he thought his dick was as much as I do. I like to think, in his head, it turned into that snake from Beetlejuice that still had Beetlejuice's face, and he was all, "Oh shit!" He probably wrestled with it for a good while before he got the upper hand, and then, when he finally won the fight and decapitated the beast, the pain hit and he realized the son of a bitch had been tricking him the whole time.

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Prosthetic Boob Crash

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Have you heard the saying "Meth: Not even once"? The reason that saying exists is because meth is the narcotic equivalent of sex with someone you met on a bus. Maybe it'll be a fun night, or maybe your face will melt off and you'll be found in a gutter somewhere cloaked in the feces of all creatures great and small. It's a gamble, and there aren't many winners.

Taking meth abuse to the next level, Johnathan Harty did the following things, in no particular order: ate some delicious meth crystals, put on a pair of prosthetic boobies, and took his kids for a drive. Actually, that's probably the exact order he did things in. At 11:30 that night, he decided to take his two daughters to the dollar store and proceeded down the interstate at speeds of up to 100 mph, crashing into no less than three other cars, nearly flipping one over, before crashing his own car into a barrier.

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You try to drive with these things distracting you!

The first person to the scene couldn't get Harty to open his door, so they tried to rescue his 6- and 4-year-old daughters instead. When cops showed up, Harty claimed he was just having a dream of being at the car wash. You know that dream, right? You're in the car wash, prosthetic boobs on, no pants, and did I mention the nearly full bottle of urine on the floor? That's how they found him, anyway.

While the Faces of Meth campaign is a fine way to deter potential meth users, an even more effective method would be scaring young people with their pantsless, prosthetic-boobed father driving them into oncoming traffic while he pisses in a bottle.

Ancient Tree on Fire

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The Senator Tree was a 3,500-year-old cypress growing in Florida. Florida, being the Australia of America, could not allow something to exist there for that long without something comically tragic or tragically comical happening to it.

The Senator Tree was believed to be the fifth oldest tree in the world. It was alive at the birth of the Maya civilization. It existed when the Phoenicians developed an alphabet. It was burned down by a meth head.

Sara Barnes and a friend, aficionados of drug use in the great outdoors, often used the Senator Tree as a place to get wasted and think about all the ... stuff ... and ... fuckin' ...

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It's like ... because ... yeaaaah man!

On Jan. 16, 2012, Barnes was having issues seeing her meth properly inside the tree, so she lit a fire to be better able to do meth inside a tree. The big points to take away from this are that she was physically inside a hollow in the tree, and she lit a fire in there. In a twist that wouldn't surprise anyone but a meth addict, the tree caught on fire. Because it was made of wood. Barnes responded by filming it with her phone.

Barnes was charged with various drug-related offenses but surprisingly not with violating the rules of stunning obviousness for setting the fire in the first place.

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Pissing on $30 Million

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Ahh, bath salts. It's the latest craze in narcotics that can turn you into a man-eating zombie freak. Except that those zombie people the media were so happy to tell you about may not actually be on bath salts at all -- the Miami cannibal Rudy Eugene had only pot in his system, and some toxicologists speculate that whatever he took was something we don't even screen for yet. I hope they call it Zomb-Eez once they discover what it is.

Though bath salts won't necessarily turn you into a cannibal (it might; who the hell knows what's in it), it is a terrible, insane drug you would do well to never take. It can lead to heart failure, liver failure, suicide, breakdown of skeletal muscle tissue, hallucinations, and paranoia. Plus, pissing on artwork.

Carmen Tisch is a bit of a drug renaissance woman. She dabbled in heroin and pills and methadone, and then one day she met bath salts and it was love at first sight. Or snort. Or butt chug. However the kids do their bath salts these days. And it was while she was on bath salts that Tisch headed to her local museum to appreciate how the world looks through a haze of insanity, and she leaned against a painting worth $30 million. "Oh no," the art lover in you might cry, "that's terrible!" It is terrible, and it got worse when she started pissing on it.

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Mmm, this is good. But it would be better dripping in wee.

I've seen drunks lean against walls while pissing on them before, but none of those walls were worth $30 million, so this was probably the sort of thing no one had ever seen before and hopefully lead to a comically awkward moment of everyone standing around in frozen bafflement.

Afterward, authorities measured the puddle of urine for evidentiary reasons. When Tisch came down off her high, she was in jail with no memory of what she'd done, because pissing on a $30 million painting is the sort of thing your brain doesn't want to hold on to under any circumstances. For what it's worth, her mighty piss stream caused only $10,000 in damage to the painting, so one bath salt urination will not destroy an entire painting, and someone out there can and apparently will repair your bladder-caused damage should you ever find yourself in a similar circumstance.

After some time in jail and two psychiatric wards, Tisch is out and about and peeing in bushes and behind Dumpsters like normal folk.

500 B&Es

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How much do you think you could reasonably blame on drugs? Like, at what point does someone doing outrageous things run out of compassion when they have an addiction of some kind? People say addiction is a disease, but would you feel that way if some addict kept pooping on your porch every day? What if that addict broke into your house? What if he broke into 500 houses? That's a shitload of houses.

Bradley Beard decided to blame meth for his criminal behavior, which included breaking into over 500 houses in four years. At 125 houses per year, he was breaking into a home every three days. It was almost a part-time job. Four grams of meth per day fueled it all, according to Beard, who performed the break-ins with his wife, a woman who also must have been addicted to meth or was just really supportive of her husband's hobbies.

Beard was sentenced to a minimum of eight years for his prolific crime spree and will spend his time in prison stealing pruno and shanks from fellow inmates.

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Job Interview

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There is literally nothing you can do in this life that won't be made more noteworthy by doing it naked. Everything you do in the nude is worth either a second glance or a terrified grimace. And when you start doing things like showing up for job interviews naked, you have plateaued and achieved a kind of nude supremacy that many of us will never attain.

I'm pleased this entry comes with video, because I can't fully do it justice. The awkward way the police approach the nude man who showed up for a job interview, the lackluster way they make physical contact with him, the guy who shows up to help with a sandwich in his hand -- these priceless details need to be seen to be fully enjoyed.

For those not inclined to watch because you can't possibly bear looking at another naked junkie today, what you're missing is a man who showed up at a garage to interview for a job that doesn't exist. Naturally, those within reacted in two ways -- someone called the police and someone pulled out a cellphone camera.

After a brief wrestling match and some hair pulling, the naked man was subdued by two cops and a handful of bystanders, including the aforementioned sandwich enthusiast. It's not that a naked man has superhuman nude strength, it's that no one wants to full-on wrestle a naked man, so he seems more limber than he has a right to. And, of course, the final word was that Nude McJobwanter was hopped up on meth, the one drug you can count on to make you do the most terribly newsworthy things.

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