Today, I’ve decided to go ahead and do what every would-be and established comedian ought to be doing and pay respects to the late and brilliant George Carlin. This can go down one of two ways: you can either skip the videos below this paragraph and read it like any old post, or go ahead and click play on the one to the left to listen to the audio version of the 7 words you can’t say on the internet, which I felt compelled to make if only to stay true to the format of Carlin’s original 7 Words You Can’t Say on Television (conveniently placed directly to the right). Obviously both contain NSFW language, so if you’re at work, reading’s probably your best bet.
Here’s to you, George.
I love the Internet…it’s my teacher, my job, my lover with a thousand vaginas…so I want to talk about the Internet, and especially words on the Internet. Because besides pictures, movies, numbers, sounds, and flash animations of people dancing in silhouette about their APR, words are all we really have on the Internet.
We use them to tell people how we feel–usually about them–we use them to converse with people from all over the world about why their country is so shitty, and in general, we use whatever words we want. It’s liberating, right? “Fuck this!” “Gayyyyy.” Posts are padded with pricks and forums are filled with fucks. Not literally of course, that would require a lot of video embed.
But we say what we want, don’t we? We say things you can’t say on TV. Things George Carlin only said offstage, and that’s saying something. And we start to think that we can say anything, because really, who cares? It’s the motherfucking Internet. It’s not like school, not like the Internet can go “Hey! Who said that? Which one of you little snots called me a bowl of menstrual soup?”
BUT…there are those words. Those words that almost guarantee you’re going to spend the next eight hours getting death threats in your private messages folder. Things you say out of anger, when you’ve spent your lunch hour systematically deconstructing the arguments of a 14-year-old fuck who thinks he knows so goddamn much about the Spiderman mythos.
So unless you get off on hitting refresh all day, then there are words that you kind of…stop using on the Internet. Because let’s face it: unless you’re browsing through pornography, and that’s only about sixty percent of the time, there’s still a bare level of human decency that most people seem to expect. And there are seven words you just can’t post without risking becoming the one-man figurehead of the losing side of a flame war. You want to know what they are?
Nigger, cunt, faggot, Sieg Heil, Scientology, baby-rape and meh.
Nigger and cunt I understand. They just hit the brain wrong; racism, sexism, it’s like a perfect matching set of intolerance. And even though it’s a well-rehearsed fact of Internet life that we’re all white nerds with (albeit tiny) penises living in our parent’s basements, you try calling someone a nigger cunt online and see how many black women there suddenly seem to be surfing at four in the morning.
But that’s understandable; these are two oppressed groups, people get kind of touchy when you start picking on the oppressed. You can even keep the ironic approximation of black language, just not the word, at least if you want to get in and out without having to fabricate a history of civil rights activism to prove you’re not a Grand Wizard.
Faggot’s a slippery one. You can say “fag” all day, and no one seems to mind. I guess if you’re stupid enough to care what two guys do with each other’s butts or jealous that you can’t get anal sex and they can, people kind of disregard your opinions anyway. But “faggot?” Uh-oh. Now we’re in hard consonant territory. You don’t fuck around in hard consonant territory.
If the “faggot” gauntlet has been thrown, you can bet someone in this conversation is hunched over their keyboard, mashing it with all their angry might. It must be that “got” at the end that does it. As if you’re angry because they’ve taken over. “Oh no! The fag got me! He used to just be there!”
Sieg Heil, that’s your Hitler reference, which you still can’t whip out without some backlash. That’s impressive staying power. I mean five, six decades on and he’s still the world’s number one symbol of evil. Imagine that. He’s like the Mickey Mouse of evil. Except Goofy is Goebbels and Minnie is on fire in a ditch.
It’s more than Manson can say, that slacker. He even tried to ride on Hitler’s coattails with that swastika on the forehead; come of it Charlie, we all know you ain’t the guy. So Hitler’s out…probably not coming back into vogue any time soon, unless it’s ironically or because brown stirrup pants and red armbands make it big.
Speaking of ironic: baby rape. Again, not a bad sounding phrase. Almost sounds like “baby grape,” which is actually kind of pleasant. Even switching the words isn’t as bad: “rape, baby.” I mean, still inappropriate, but it sure sounds a lot cooler.
But baby rape is usually deployed ironically nowadays. Really the whole pedophilia domain. Many people like pulling it out as the “shock card” in forums. Baby eating, puppy killing, they’re all good. And of course you’ve got rape, which is right up there with AIDS in terms of shit you’re not supposed to joke about. So every smart aleck online simultaneously thought: “Jesus, you know what’s hilarious? The thought of forcing myself, sexually, on a baby.”
Of course, that thought has to be translated into a wry joke first. Just post “I’d like to force myself, sexually, on a baby” and you’re going to feel the full force of the Internet shouting you down and may even receive a friendly visit from some men who work for the government and would like to examine your hard drive. After all, everyone likes fucking with people and feeling good about it at the same time, and there’s not a lot more satisfying that fucking a baby rapist. Or maybe there is, but only the baby rapist and the ancient Greeks know for sure.
As for Scientology, they’re kind of in the Bill Cosby class of words, insofar as just mentioning them isn’t a killer, but do it enough and…they’ll be watching. And you can even get away with it, as long as you only frequent forums that their lawyers don’t bother checking out. I doubt many Scientologist figureheads are lurking in 4Chan threads; the Rickrolls alone would make it a futile effort. But mention them in less-than-glowing terms on Youtube or any other major site, and you’re in for something that makes Internet flame wars look tame: a cease-and-desist letter. Oooh.
Post enough passionate diatribes against that particular cult and next thing you know you’ve lost your social security number, your last eight tax returns are being audited, and way more people than usual stop you on the street to ask “what your crimes are.”
Now I know what you’re saying: what’s wrong with “meh?” It sounds like the sound made by an adorable imaginary animal. But no. The sound of meh is the sound of the person who thinks so little of your input, they can’t be bothered to type “gayyyy.” The person too lazy to articulate their thoughts beyond a monosyllabic interjection, and yet so confident in their opinion that they will casually cast judgment on your entire being. Don’t bore me, they warn. And when faced with that kind of ultimatum, there’s really only one answer:
Well, seven actually.
NOTE: The author would like to admit to two grievous errors in the preceding piece, in the (foolishly naive) hope of keeping people from harping on them in the comments section. Firstly, in the audio track, I confused Charles Manson and Jeffrey Dahmer, which just goes to show that they aren’t quite as memorable as Hitler. And secondly, I omitted the words “God” and “abortion” from the list, although if you’d like interesting takes on those topics, I suggest you look here and here, respectively.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael pours forties on the curb as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
Last 5 posts by Michael Swaim
- If You Wanna Make An Omelette, You Gotta Let Some Kids Get Molested - November 13th, 2008
- CNN Ushers In Era Of Incisive Reportage With New Holograms - November 12th, 2008
- The 7 Deadly Sins of Online Gaming - November 7th, 2008
- If McCain's Concession Speech Was As Bitter As His Campaign - November 6th, 2008
- Class War! A Handy Guide - October 30th, 2008
October 12th, 2008 at 6:15 pm
Meh, Church of Scientology International is run by a baby-raping faggot who rips off money from pregnant niggers and has gay Nazis give an electric abortion to the alien fetuses attached to them by the aliens they worship as God.
The Scientologist then punches them in the cunt while saying “Sieg Heil!” and shooting them in the chest with a .45 revolver when they reach OT-9.
(No, seriously. Google “Auditing Protocol R2-45″.)
September 9th, 2008 at 8:18 am
@ chris: i’ve done a low degree of classical studies, and even i’ve heard of cunina. just because you don’t know, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.
September 4th, 2008 at 10:13 am
Please. Someone stop the spambots before they start writing their own articles. *weeps*
August 25th, 2008 at 7:16 am
I find dropping the term “illegally occupied Palestine” into any forum causes ill-thought-out arguements for my amusement for hours.
August 16th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
I met this kid in college who use to make baby raping jokes
he also told my sister that she had nice skin and that he wanted to make boots out of her.
I think he mostly did it for attention but it was still frigging creepy as hell.
oh and did I mention he use to smell my hair, and he would call me meat?
yea…
August 1st, 2008 at 10:23 am
Lovely list! I wonder if that list will grow to over 1500 words, just like George Carlin’s list eventually did (the list is a perfect poster for the bathroom, so that when copping a deuce, you can read all sorts of new terms for boobies and wieners. ha!)
July 27th, 2008 at 9:50 am
Rape Baby…LOL!
July 18th, 2008 at 8:54 pm
Wow, good!! Why not upload it on the famous sugar dating site ***Blacksugarmommy*C O M, there the wealthy sugarmommies seeking young handsome sugarbaby. The rich felmale celebrities must like it.
July 12th, 2008 at 7:44 am
[...] a tribute to the recently departed George Carlin (RIP) Cracked.com published its list of The 7 Words You Can’t Say On The Internet (without starting a flamewar). I wonder if there’s a way we could make it look like [...]
July 9th, 2008 at 4:43 am
do you know __http://seekingbbw.com _______All Plussize/BBW/BHM singles and admirers, meet together here! Then it will be easier for you to find friends, soulmates, romance&love! The best and largest community for plus-size singles and admirers in the world.
July 3rd, 2008 at 11:35 am
@Pamcakes: you don’t actually believe that, do you? Your post is either a hilarious satire of wishy-washy neo-pagan feminism (and in case that’s taken as an attack on feminism, I’m a feminist myself), or an example of such. I’m nearing the end of a PhD in Classics and Ancient History, and I’ve never heard of a goddess Cunina in my entire life. Sounds like another attempt of said wishy-washy pot-smoking neo-pagan feminists to improve women’s status by, ahem, associating us with our reproductive organs and ability to be all irrational and nymphomaniac, which isn’t what male chauvinists have been doing for most of history, oh no.
And all the Islamophobics can just take a hike.
July 1st, 2008 at 1:42 am
I’d like to force myself, sexually, on a baby, Multiple times. Daily even. Living, dead, whatever.
June 30th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
A real douchebag would ask about Faggot-Niggers shouting, “Sieg Heil!” while raping Scientologist babies and being all “meh” about cunt. But I don’t think I’m that douchebag.
June 30th, 2008 at 7:53 am
Herr Ross, I share your faith in humanity.
June 29th, 2008 at 11:51 pm
Charlie Dahmer is Jeffery Dahmers lesser famous, younger, not quite a cannibal, not exactly a serial killer, brother. He just liked to bruise young men, then lick them.
June 29th, 2008 at 11:38 pm
ya’ll are just ignorant niggers with fat flappy cunt lips.
June 29th, 2008 at 10:47 pm
Who the fuck is Charlie Dahmer?
June 29th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
*sigh* with all this intellectualism on the internet it’s surprising that we can’t even send manned space missions to Mars.
June 29th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
Hmm, what about using nigger in conjunction with faggot?
Your word is “Niggerfaggot”.
Oh, and “Flame on” is now my catchphrase. Beware, all the may oppose me.
June 29th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Censors are like baby rapists…
they’re nigger cunt faggots.
George Carlin was a genius. So sad that he died. Though it’s more likely he just took over for god… well, maybe jesus. We need to save the spot of “god” for chuck norris.
June 29th, 2008 at 11:23 am
Well done, Mr. Swaim.
A fitting epitaph for a man who made being angry funny.
RIP, George Carlin.
June 29th, 2008 at 10:51 am
I think 7 words that most saying on internet is hot, sexy, boob, booty, love, romance, fun!!!
LOL, the 7 words are voted by users on hot dating club___ P l u s M e e t.c o m____, where you can mingle with big boob hotties, big booty beauties and big handsome men!
June 29th, 2008 at 9:25 am
SNL aired a rerun of it’s first show last night. The one that Carlin hosted. Probably as a tribute. Typing as a fan of the man, I have to say it was sad. His performance was dated and kinda’ unfunny(*wince). To be fair though, it was 30 years old and, later in life, he admitted to being coked out at the time.
I think Swaim’s was a more fitting tribute. Thanks M.S.
June 29th, 2008 at 2:54 am
meh
June 28th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
Well, I thought the article was a kind of nice homage to G.C., but now seeing how violently people are reacting, I’d better jump on the band wagon.
Swaim, this article is the most stupidly retarded thing I’ve ever read (and I’ve read, like, four things in my life!). I think you are a monster who w\should be put on a desert island and set on fire, so no one has to smell the smoke as you burn to death for your sins against humanity.
Is that good?
June 28th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
I think it’s obvious to everyone here that Swaim’s article is ripping off Smoove B. Not cool.
June 28th, 2008 at 5:35 am
i just thought i should drop a tidbit of interesting information. in russian prisons someone who has a swastika tattooed on his forehead has served time and again as a “bottom”. just to strip away every last bit of respect one might have had for manson.
June 28th, 2008 at 4:59 am
swaim fuck u cunt we live in a over the top pc world nowdays dont need to be surfing through a comedy website and be told what we can and cannot say on the net, fuck these easily offended ppl who want to fuck free speech
So I say fuck all the nigga cunt faggots, say sieg heil to scientology baby rapists & meh to all the other cock snots like urself
June 28th, 2008 at 3:44 am
You also said ‘what are your crimes’ instead of ‘what your crimes are’.
That error actually ruined this entire article for me.
June 27th, 2008 at 10:41 pm
damn plusmeet is going to be cyberdine one day. which will be worse than any wepons program, can you imagine a Horny termniator? run for your lives…. or your innocence which ever is being threatend.
June 27th, 2008 at 6:30 pm
swaim, you mostly write good stuff but this is beyond stupid.
June 27th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
“hot, sexy, boob, booty, love, romance, fun!!!” Shit, add alcohol and drugs and we got a weekend.
June 27th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
Oh god….they are becoming self aware….
I’m going to dig me a shelter.
June 27th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
I think 7 words that most saying on internet is hot, sexy, boob, booty, love, romance, fun!!!
LOL, the 7 words are voted by users on hot dating club___ P l u s M e e t.c o m____, where you can mingle with big boob hotties, big booty beauties and big handsome men!
June 27th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
14/88!
Nah, just kidding!
June 27th, 2008 at 9:20 am
C an’t
U nderstand
N ormal
T hinking
June 27th, 2008 at 8:20 am
Ummm… I know it’s probably because I’ve been on Cracked too long, but the first thing that came to mind when I read the last post about “horse lover dating site” was not about cowboys and cowgirls.
Well, folks, it’s a milestone: we’ve finally got bestiality spambots on the boards!
June 27th, 2008 at 3:48 am
[...] you can’t say on the net thought this was funny so id thought i would share it
June 27th, 2008 at 1:18 am
You broke first and second rule.
June 27th, 2008 at 12:28 am
Nigger, cunt, faggot, Zigheil, Scientology, baby-rape and meh.
Let the flame war begin.
June 26th, 2008 at 7:34 pm
Pamcakes, thanks for that info. I hate that word but I’m thinking about using it more often so I can lessen the shock of it. Knowing it’s history is very helpful. Plus, it’s one more thing i can blame religion for fucking up.
June 26th, 2008 at 7:21 pm
This was the worst Carlin rip-off even. Get with your own shtick douchebag!
June 26th, 2008 at 7:01 pm
Nigger, cunt, faggot, Sieg Heil, Scientology, baby-rape and meh.
June 26th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
Meh.
June 26th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
I thought baby raping was acceptable! My whole life was in vain!
June 26th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
Swaim, as per normal you totally rock muh box off. George’d be proud. I’d follow up with some sort of witty retort, but alas, I lack the genius. So on the topic of flame wars…
PS: -mj! It’s refreshing to meet someone who has so obviously never made a mistake or typo in their lives, ever. I mean, really, it’s incredible. You should consider shooting yourself in the face so that you no longer have to struggle alone beneath the burden of your unfathomable intellect. Just sayin’.
June 26th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
p.s. Wo-ho. Enough with the Islam hate.
June 26th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
That stuff about Cunina is probably bollocks. ‘Cunt’ can certainly be aggressive.
No, the main reason ‘cunt’ is regarded by some as appalling is because the one thing many feminists and patriachal misogynists can agree on is: girls are delicate and must be protected.
June 26th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
I don’t get what’s with the comments about Sieg Heil? I mean, weren’t the seven words:
“shit, piss, cunt, fuck, cocksucker (probably a compound word) mother (word) fucker (’nother one) and tits? That’s at least 8, possibly 9!
..meh?
June 26th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
so cunina’s deciples were the cunts?
June 26th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Kingmonkey, I am south of the border, and sitting right next to my computer is Season 1 and Season 3 of the Kids in the Hall on DVD. I think it is safe to assume it is the same in every American home.
June 26th, 2008 at 11:21 am
I am genuinely disturbed at how often members of this site mention pedophilia as some kind of joke.
You guys just don’t seem to get uncomfortable around topics that should reasonably make us all uncomfortable. Jack Thompson was right, and you are all going to Hell.
Poeboy, you fight the good fight, buddy! Hyphenate!
June 26th, 2008 at 10:13 am
I have to say there is nothing more disturbing than a mother fucking cunt. Litearl mother fucking cunts that is.
and seriously seek muslim, you motherfucking sand niggers and woman beaters. GTFO of here. Cocksuckers, motherfuckers, tit hateing, child raping piss cunts. Muhammed was a pedofile, he thought it would be funny to force himself, sexualy, onto a child.
June 26th, 2008 at 9:32 am
Hi glendoor42! @kingmonkey, Mike has two parents and one brilliant grandfather. Mike’s grandmother was a civil rights activist in the ’60’s, Mike’s Mom and uncles marched for civil rights when they were kids, Mike’s folks can’t even stand to say the “n” word out loud (must be a generational thing), and we all believe in freedom of expression, except when it’s a terrorist threat. Good job, Mike!
June 26th, 2008 at 9:01 am
Sometimes my inner geek comes out and I can’t stop it doing what it does, but Spider-Man is supposed to be hyphenated, so that 14-year-old fuck probably does know the Spider-Man mythos better. Unless he forgets the hyphen, too.
Anyway, good job, Swaim.
June 26th, 2008 at 8:51 am
Eh, that was alright. I didn’t even like Carlin’s iconic 7 dirty words, seeing as a few of them have even recently become more acceptable. Some of his other standup’s exquisite though.
And this was much the same way as the dirty words: There’s so much worse, nowadays especially, and it was too hard of trying to be just like him, such as the mentioning of things that sound cute or non harmful, then failing. “Baby grape”? Come on, man. Whereas the thing about Tits sounding like a snack is one thing that did make me chuckle.
June 26th, 2008 at 7:44 am
Swaim: “we’ve only got two or three fans who try and defend us. And both of them are my parents.”
So, do you have two or three parents? Or are you generally unsure?
Also, I didn’t realize that Kids in the Hall was popular south of the border. Their comedy wasn’t typically similar to American (mainstream) comedy.
June 26th, 2008 at 7:39 am
Fuck. I almost exploded into laughters when I read the part about baby rapping. Hard to explain to my workmates what I found so funny without feeling like a creep.
June 26th, 2008 at 6:57 am
@Ross: I don’t smoke cigarettes, but I’ll keep that in mind.
@Justin T.: I write dry historical journal entries for a living; I had no idea it was possible for someone else to have said something funnier than me at some point. Especially a professional comedy troupe. Thanks for cutting my bloated ego down to size, and for being original enough to quote them instead of something of your own. Fag.
What would Scott Thompson know about gay people?
June 26th, 2008 at 3:09 am
I find it perverse that a person who makes [made] his living by the use of words would deny their power. Words are symbols for things and concepts and as such reflect them. If fag ment cigarette to us it would have little impact, as it represents behavior some find offensive the word becomes offensive.
June 25th, 2008 at 11:06 pm
Ren, yes because the t reminded people of christ’s suffering on the cross
June 25th, 2008 at 10:20 pm
About faggot: (the only word that pisses me off)
I believe Scott Thompson analyzed the word in a Kids in the Hall sketch and decided that it was the “T” that made it so defensive. And then changed it to “faggo”.
June 25th, 2008 at 9:45 pm
loved the article, loved carlin (especially his old stuff), and the comments were good to.
Another great way to start a flame war is to try to ask a serious question about God. Just saying….
June 25th, 2008 at 9:30 pm
Meh.
June 25th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
To confused: Swaim’s treatment of the subject was, I believe, both fecetious and ironic. He’s making fun of censorship. That’s why I like his comedy; every so often, he’ll come out with something that really gets the cogs and gears and chunka-chunka parts in your head cogging and gearing and chunka-chunkaing. He’s always funny, and occasionally really very clever.
To cooper vanhalen: that word actually derives from the name of the Roman fertility Goddess (one of several), Cunina, and was originally a word used to describe her disciples. In its traditional usage, it was a word that glorified and exalted all that was feminine - the use of it honoured a woman, and held her up as the pinnacle of powerful femininity. However, when the Catholic Church arrived in Europe, they brought with them an anti-paganistic and blatantly patriarchal agenda, hence one of their first actions was to villify and demonise Cunina and her worshipers, and eventually to make that word one of the filthiest in the language. The reason it is considered taboo in today’s society is because it has been so contextually mutilated that it now utterly demeans a woman, reducing all that she is or might ever be to her reproductive organs. It’s dehumanising. Whereas a cock can be a force for aggression, which is seen as a very positive and manly thing, the best a cunt can hope to be is submissive and unobtrusive.
And before anyone accuses me of such, I’m not a pagan nor do I have some radical feminazi agenda, but I do have a reasonable level of education about the mutual history of the Western world’s current gender politics and etymology.
Hope that helps.
Swaim, thanks for the giggles. ^_-
June 25th, 2008 at 8:21 pm
But hurry some of them might be ready to martyr themselves, killing many innocent people in a cowardly attack.
June 25th, 2008 at 8:18 pm
or not slap their women around.
June 25th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
Some of them might even bathe.
June 25th, 2008 at 7:21 pm
European 2008….. There is a list of Muslim players in European clubs on (((((+++++S e e k m u s l i m . c o m ++++))))))…Some of them are convert and some of them were born Muslims… You can also check their profiles on Seekmuslim.com…..
Http://www.Seekmuslim.com
June 25th, 2008 at 6:37 pm
You don’t fuck around in hard consonant territory is now and will always be my favorite phrase, until im bored with it.
June 25th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
I rape the faggot cunts of nigger babies whilst Sieg Heiling L.Ron Hubbard, thinking, “meh”…
June 25th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
Hi Mike’s Mom!!!!
June 25th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
about the whole fag meaning ciggerette England thing. Dude that schtick has been thoroughly covered by funnier peops, braw. “You’re such a pussy” “I put a fag in my mouth and think of you”– Arrested D.
June 25th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
Hey George- did Jesus bring the pork chops?
June 25th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
GAAAYYY!
June 25th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
Love Carlin- the man behind Oscar the grouch, exposing truth, and some of the most offensively brilliant comedy out there. His satire was almost too true to be funny. If you don’t get it, go watch Dane Cook and pretend he’s hilarious. That’s ok too.
This cunt misses him.
June 25th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
George Carlin was a Classy Comedian, far ahead of his time. It is a shame that he has passed on, he will truly be missed by me and thousands of my followers.
June 25th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
Gotta say, that was pretty Carlin-esque, Swaim. R.I.P. to the man who offended us all at some point and didn’t look back.
June 25th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
Fucking genius, you baby raping scientologist whore.
George would be proud.
June 25th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
I’m confused at why people think they will be funny, by being the 20th person to throw out one of the words you just mentioned?
June 25th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
Or is that about how Bill Cosby would call up other comedians and lecture them on their language?
June 25th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
I don’t understand the Bill Cosby reference. Why should people avoid talking about him?
June 25th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
meh
June 25th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
@J-Pappi, That was by far the greatest thing I have ever heard. I Plan to use that tomorrow and most likely have a sexual harassment lawsuit at the end of the day. But it will definitely be worth it.
June 25th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
Everyone who thinks Muskets isn’t funny, yer all a bunch o’ cunts. Shit, piss, cunt, fuck, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits. Yep, I went to high school in the ’70s. I guess that’s where Mike got his language from. RIP George Carlin. Adam West . . . Meh. Love, Mike’s Mom P.S. Tilly . . . aw, never mind.
June 25th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
Hmm, my girlfriend’s name is Samantha, judging by the above comments I think she may have discovered this site.
Oh and J-Pappi, it’s probably best not to come over here and test the link between the two, some bars you go into you could find yourself permanently seperated from your teeth.
They only stopped physically punishing gay people not that long ago.
June 25th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
Yet in England, “Fag” refers to a cigarette. What that says about the British is up for debate, I suppose.
June 25th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
No offense, Samantha; I’m sure you’re a nice girl. Just making a generalization.
June 25th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
*nods*
‘Cunt’ is a fine word. Just one of the many body-part insults. Get rid of none or get rid of all.
‘Fag’, on the other hand, makes me queasy.
June 25th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
I’m rather fond of cunts, myself. The orifice, that is, not the life support system attached to them.
June 25th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
this was… an ok article. and i don’t really know why cunt was included on the list. it’s only harmful because of the vagina-fearing society we live in. we can say cock all day long and no one blinks. one small step forward for social change:
cunt cunt cunt cunt CUNT CUNT CUNT!
June 25th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
Swaim: Touche, word-smith.
June 25th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
Baby-raping scientologist!
June 25th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Idk why every one gets so offended by cunt id still rathor be called a cunt than a slam pig if i was a chick
June 25th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
jk ur a clever kat- real talk man- big ups. peace out <3
June 25th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
It was probably a good idea to put your video first– Carlin is a tough act to follow. Not that you didn’t hold your own. You did just fine… FOR… A…:
AIDS-infested, puppy mollesting, abortion-clinic-bombing, make-a-wish foundation sabatour/ neo-nazi-nigger-faggot, denial ridden parent of a gender-confused down-syndrom child, who has to OD on Ether Prozac and Vicoden to make it through the day without killing ITself… hahha one-up that bitches.
June 25th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
Phoenixxx, i’m willing to bet you haven’t seen any Carlin earlier than 1990. Personally, I think he turned a corner from idealistically satirical to just jaded in the last twenty years, but he still has hours and hours of comedy gold. And if you must speak ill of the dead, please, at the very least, use past tense.
June 25th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
george carlin sucks and has never once made me laugh- he had good messages- but was a lousy comedian, may we never have to see him in a crap movie again
June 25th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
-mj, I am a man who doesn’t argue typos with people clearly so knowledgeable about the Nazi party’s belief’s and rituals. Fixing now.
June 25th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
That’s because Muskets suck, Swaim. You are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO annoying, you smug douchebag. Bring back Week in Douchebaggery. How dare you fire Lex.
oh, i’m sorry. I’m still recovering from all the love i got Monday.
Personally, I’ve never seen a Muskets skit that is not funny at all. And i can think of 5 mustkets skits without taking a breath that are some of the finest video skits I’ve ever seen.
PS. I am Swaim’s dad.
June 25th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
I really hate to comment again but “Zigheil” is a poorly-spelled, phonetic bastardization of “Sieg Heil”. Hate it, make fun of it, do whatever, but get it right. English is not the only fucking language on earth.
June 25th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
@Tilly: I’ll give you the arrested development thing, but people talk shit about muskets all the time and as far as I can tell, we’ve only got two or three fans who try and defend us. And both of them are my parents.
June 25th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
I’m guessing that spick, chink, sand nigger ect all fall under the nigger catagory. Am I really typing the word nigger into the internet without offending anyone?
PS. There’s a Gwar song called Baby Raper. I suggest you look it up.
June 25th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Why?
Can I ask that right now? Fucking why? Are you that pedantic? To me it’s a struggle to even use names, and instead refer to entire regime as a shower of idiotic bastards.
Except Rommell, you don’t fuck with the Desert Fox.
June 25th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Your spelling of “Goebels” actually refers to a porcelain figurine manufacturer (distributor of Hummel fame). You mean “Goebbels”.
Lets get our German historical figures straight please.
June 25th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
Meh
June 25th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Quickest way to start a flame war: Start a myspace describing yourself as a white supremecist, Gay child molester whom admittedly enjoys having sex with animals and corpses as well. Oh yeah, and he has to be a Jewish cop too…
June 25th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Wait a minute, So I cant say Nigger, cunt, faggot, Zigheil, Scientology, baby-rape or meh on the internet???
June 25th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
From my own experience, there are also a few things that can’t be said on the Cracked website without starting a flame war…
Arrested Development sucks… I mean, seriously sucks.
“Those aren’t Muskets” sometimes makes sketches that are not funny… at all.
June 25th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
I want to force myself sexually upon a baby. Zigheil to that
June 25th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Wait - did someone just mention Joss Whedon? I love that guy! Why did Fox take Firefly off the air, eh? That’s what I want to know, Fox sucks, etc.
June 25th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Excellent, MiSwa… Keep ‘em comin back for more.
June 25th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
You forgot “vim” and “emacs”
June 25th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
meh
(irony)
June 25th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
I’d like to force myself, sexually, on a baby
June 25th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
Well, it’s stupid by nature that you can’t say those without getting nine million emails that say “U FAG I H8 U JEWMOFO *SHOOTS U*” and etc., but it’s also sadly going to happen anyways. Oh, internet, why have you betrayed my love. D:
June 25th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
Brilliant, Swaim-o. You did the old man proud.
N
June 25th, 2008 at 11:55 am
Great article!
I’d make a comment about 12 Pack’s lack of setting a trap, but I have a strange feeling that him saying he’s no good at laying traps may be a trap.
He’s one sneaky Sassybaskets.
June 25th, 2008 at 11:55 am
Also “Mencia,” just to arrogantly tell you how to do your job. Seriously though, great post for a great man.
June 25th, 2008 at 11:52 am
Great job Swaim, Great job.
June 25th, 2008 at 11:52 am
whats the name of that song in the background….
June 25th, 2008 at 11:48 am
Meh, Swaim. You’re a nigger cunt faggot baby raping scientologist. Zighiel.
June 25th, 2008 at 11:23 am
Well, in my experience nothing creates a flamewar like a cancer reference. Most of us has lost someone dear to it, or no someone who has. It’s a touchy subject, more so than aids and babyrape, cause that is such a distant evil for most of us.
June 25th, 2008 at 11:17 am
In real life, they say you don’t talk about sex, religion, or politics with people you want to remain friendly with.
On the intarwebs, you don’t talk about circumcision, Jews, or patriotism with people you want to hold a conversation with.
It’s not that big of a difference, which leads me to believe that the intarwebs is reality…and if so…meh.
June 25th, 2008 at 11:13 am
I will drink your Milkshake. I’ll drink it up! SLURRRRP
June 25th, 2008 at 11:07 am
i speak the same way in a and out of the internet,no need to say that i get my ass kicked more than once,so i carrried a glock at every adventure to the offside world
June 25th, 2008 at 11:01 am
Thanks, Swaim. Great tribute.
June 25th, 2008 at 10:45 am
loved the article swaim, and especially the music.
La Femme d’Argent by Air. Nice touch
June 25th, 2008 at 10:44 am
Totally solid article, but I have to say that if you use the word ‘noob’ or any variant of that word, I think it has way more effect on people than a few of the words you used. Like, it’s just ridiculous. You try saying that one, single word to a group of gamers (which probably populate the highest percentage of internet users) and it’s like starting World War 3 on the internet; but Hell, it’s fun to do. =D Great article, nonetheless!
June 25th, 2008 at 10:40 am
Well Swaim, I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye, but I must say, very well done! A fitting homage and it gave me more than a few good laughs.
Also, like Scientology, I am always watching…
P.S. - wait, why can’t I talk about Bill Cosby?
June 25th, 2008 at 10:25 am
You forgot “Zionism”. That is guaranteed to start a flame war in 90% of cases.
June 25th, 2008 at 10:20 am
So… women and blacks are oppressed, but gays aren’t? Wow. Fuck you.
June 25th, 2008 at 10:15 am
btw
RIP George,you will be missed
June 25th, 2008 at 10:14 am
This reminds me of a time when everyone thought I was sychotic thanks to a facebook group me and my friend made.
We were angry at some people and jokingly thought of hiring a hit man to shoot them (shut up ok everyone’s thought of that) of course we would never do such a thing because it would guarantee us a one way ticket to hell
When the straw broke the camels back I finally went on and made a facebook group titled “people who think a school shooting should happen at our school” I just wanted to see how far I could go with this,I hate a disclamer saying how this was a joke and not to freak out because I was just expressing anger,and again I would never shoot up my school.
The next day I showed up and the police were there and everything.I got suspended for two days.
I still think it’s hilarious in a nervous laughter kind of way.
Thinking about it now I realize how amazingly bad of an idea that was.
June 25th, 2008 at 10:03 am
good article.
and i believe it’s sieg heil.
June 25th, 2008 at 10:01 am
Meh.
June 25th, 2008 at 9:54 am
They don’t even have to be dead! Ever see Motel Hell? … There you go
June 25th, 2008 at 9:54 am
This entire article seems contradictory to what Carlin had in mind; in his routine he belittles censorship and the “moral” standards associated with it so that he could show that the seven deadly words are just words. This article does the complete opposite, its like a babysitter or a mom sitting you down and rapping you on the knuckles for saying something you shouldn’t. If you’re familiar with Carlin’s material you should also know another little routine by him:
“I believe that we have either no rights or 100% rights… I have to right to whatever I want to you and you have the right to fucking kill me.”
So Carlin says that you can say these words, but be prepared to take responsibility for them. Your respects fell a little short.
June 25th, 2008 at 9:53 am
Yes Wild_Marker, dead babies make great fertilizer.
June 25th, 2008 at 9:52 am
“…who’ve aborted gay puppies” and don’t forget they were also nazis, they’re nazi gay puppies who were fertilized by babies.
June 25th, 2008 at 9:45 am
Never got into trouble over “meh” before. I’m more afraid of mentioning “Family Guy” or “Joss Whedon.”
June 25th, 2008 at 9:37 am
I have to agree with the willing homage comment. This was even written and delivered in a style that harkens back to the late George Carlin’s delivery. The man made it safe for angry, near-psychotic, social commentators to qualify themselves as “comedians”.
I already miss him.
June 25th, 2008 at 9:36 am
Actually, she sexually forces herself on scientologist babies… who’ve aborted gay puppies.
June 25th, 2008 at 9:36 am
That’s right, two out of seven and a PUN.
Bring it.
June 25th, 2008 at 9:36 am
That brought a tear to my eye, Swaim, you puppy rapist you.
June 25th, 2008 at 9:36 am
It’s funny, you know - I read about George Carlin and, in the midst of mourning with a friend who is also a Cracked addict, called that you were going to blog about this, and soon. Although you did surprise me by waiting two days to do it, I take full nigger cun— no, comfort, COMFORT in that I was raping a ba—right, dammit, RIGHT! It’s hard to live with Tourinternettes.
June 25th, 2008 at 9:31 am
actually there are three mistakes in this moderately funny article because it’s “sieg heil” (2 words!!) and not “zigheil”, get your facts straight beforehand next time.
cheers from germany
R.I.P. george carlin
June 25th, 2008 at 9:25 am
And meh to edc. He started it!
June 25th, 2008 at 9:11 am
ITS CLOBBERIN’ T- oh shit!
wait, umm
…
FLAME ON!
June 25th, 2008 at 9:09 am
and is dead.
June 25th, 2008 at 9:09 am
and george carlin sucked.
June 25th, 2008 at 9:09 am
I notice a conspicuous absence of “dog rape” in this discussion.
June 25th, 2008 at 9:01 am
must. resist. urge.. to.. meh..
…
buh.
June 25th, 2008 at 9:01 am
A worthy homage to a great comedian.
Keep them coming, Swaim.
Also - insert arbitrary flame (you should recieve some, if only on general principle)
June 25th, 2008 at 9:00 am
I’d like to force myself, sexually, on a….oh wait, that’s right. Not supposed to say that one.
Weeeeellllll, I’ve got nothing else to contribute since I’m no good at laying traps, so I guess I’d better be hittin’ the old dusty trail…
June 25th, 2008 at 8:54 am
lesbian whale.
June 25th, 2008 at 8:37 am
Racist.
June 25th, 2008 at 8:37 am
Oh, by the way, I use head phones.
June 25th, 2008 at 8:34 am
Thank you for reading me your post. That made it much easier to read while actually contributing to my place of employment.
June 25th, 2008 at 8:09 am
A very funny article Swaim.