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7 Women Who Put Their Lady Parts to Horribly Practical Uses

#3. Rolex

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Once, on a trip to New York, I spent about 15 minutes outside a Greyhound bus station talking to a very enterprising gentleman who went by the name "Q." Q had a variety of convenient wares for the busy bus traveler on the go, such as batteries, towels, pornography, and jewelry. I'd enjoyed a few drinks at this point and discussed business with Q, as well as local weather, ladies, and the police. He eventually talked me into buying a $15 Rolex watch, which seemed like the deal of a lifetime. Q promised he was not bullshitting me and that it was a legit Rolex and he was giving it to me for that awesome price because he liked me and not because it was a terrible, awful scam.

Part of me hoped that Q was being straight up with me, that we had bonded and he wasn't lying. This was a real Rolex. I mean, it had to be stolen, but I was OK with that, because $15 for a stolen Rolex is a great deal. Rolexes cost thousands of dollars. But in the sober light of the next day, it became remarkably clear that this was no kind of Rolex, because I paid $15. It said Rolex and everything, but come on. The watch I bought wasn't even fit for storing in a vagina. Oh, was that a segue? It was!

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Visual pun. Sweet.

Ryan Elkins, a 23-year-old lady of somewhat ill-repute, was arrested in South Florida as part of a little scam that saw her and several others absconding with men's valuables, including wallets and watches, which they got hold of at bars and nightclubs.

Numerous men fell victim to Elkins and three others, including a New York Giant who lost nearly half a million in jewelry. Others are pretty sure the women drugged them before picking them clean. But how does a lady steal that much stuff and get away with it? When police caught up with Elkins, she had her latest victim's $25,000 Rolex nestled deep in the grassy knoll, depreciating by the second. Yes, a vagina can double as a cartoon sack with a dollar sign on it, if you have the gumption.

#2. Balls of Heroin

gazeta.pl

How much heroin can you safely store in your vagina? Ladies, take a moment, consult with a friend. Guys, treat this like one of those big jars of jelly beans and just hazard a guess based on your knowledge of the subject at hand. You know how many wieners a vagina can hold (more or less), so how much heroin is that?

Now who guessed 71? Anyone? Because 71 is the answer. Seventy-one balls of heroin in one single vagina. Each ball is about a half gram, so that's a street value of over $2,000 jammed in there just enjoying the humidity and closeness.

Digital Vision./Digital Vision/Getty Images

Ugh. Smells like damp fear.

As a fun aside, I Googled "how many jelly beans in a vagina" on the off chance I'd get an actual answer and, saints be praised, Yahoo Answers was at the top of the page, with a distraught lady seeking help after her boyfriend put jelly beans in her vagina while sleeping and now she can't get them all out. I took a moment to appreciate this scenario -- a man on his bed, bathed in moonlight, with a bag of jelly beans, slowly easing them one by one into his sleeping girlfriend's vagina -- and thought "that's fucking insane." Anyway, just thought I'd let you know.

The woman smuggling the small fortune in horse was caught on a train in Poland. Guess how. Yeah, when you have 71 small spheres of potent narcotic shoved into your hobby lobby, you start walking around like James Brown trying to find his funk. It was enough for people watching to grow suspicious, so they took her in and did the standard "do you have many dozens of balls of heroin in your vagina?" search that the Polish railway is so well known for and found her stash.

#1. The Gungina

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True Romance. The Godfather. Reservoir Dogs. Film criminals are romantic and exciting and wonderful. We cheer for them to evade justice, to be free and unfettered in a world of rules. We find a release in their ability to flout convention and law. They do what we dare not do, and we love them for it. This is the story about a woman with a gun in her vagina.

Christie Harris was arrested after a drug-sniffing dog signaled to her car. A search found meth and a loaded gun. Christie may have been ready to go Thelma and Louise, only without Louise and with meth instead. We may never know. Doesn't matter. What does matter is, once taken to prison, Harris requested to not be searched, as she was getting her monthly visitor. Ha ha, not her parole officer, her period. It is worth noting that prisoners cannot request to not be searched, because that's silly as shit.

An officer yanked down Harris' drawers (which I like to think were homemade from old J cloths and catgut) and noticed something queer afoot. Something ill-placed and somewhat perplexing. The handle of a five-shot revolver, dangling from her cavern of femininity. Christie got a gun.

It's worth noting that, since the gun raised some suspicion, Harris' danker grotto was spelunked and found to contain a couple of bags of meth. So that's fun.

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Felix Clay

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