7 Ways 'House of Cards' Could Be the Best Comedy on TV

#3. Raymond Tusk Should Be an Anthropomorphic Walrus

Speaking of Raymond Tusk, did anyone else think when they first heard his name that he should be an anthropomorphic walrus?

No? Well, take it or leave it; I've got some other good ones.

#2. Bungled Murders

In the course of his rise to power, Frank kills two people, which is about average for a president. His first kill is Peter Russo, a rebellious pawn of his. He leaves him passed out drunk in a car in a closed garage with the engine running, where he dies of carbon monoxide poisoning. The perfect crime. Or is it?

Interesting fact: It's a lot harder to kill yourself with car exhaust these days thanks to high emission standards (thanks, Obama). It's not impossible, but it's definitely more difficult. So it's totally plausible that Frank goes home, conscience heavily weighted with the deed he's just done, and then he gets a text:

Frank's second murder is a pesky reporter named Zoe Barnes. She is such a grating character that after her first appearance I said, "I hope she gets hit by a bus." In one of those unpredictable twists the show is known for, she is instead hit by a train.

Frank lures her to a train station, they talk for a bit, and as the sound of the approaching train builds to a crescendo, he shoves her onto the track, and bam, perfect timing, the train hits her.

My suggestion actually saves the show some money in this case. He shoves her onto the tracks, and then, WHOOOOOSH! The train rumbles by on the opposite track behind him. Whoops!

It is the most awkward of moments as he just stares foolishly at Zoe, who's standing there and holding her hands out with a "What the fuck?" look.

"Seriously, what the fuck, Frank?"

Then you play the theme song from Curb Your Enthusiasm, and roll credits.

#1. Frank Is Gerald Ford

Adding Gerald Ford to anything makes it funnier, but it's especially apt for this show, as he also was pulled out of Congress to be appointed vice president in the middle of a term and then became president after an impeachment and resignation (replacing our greatest president, Richard Nixon).

Instead of creating new characters for the show, what if they took a slightly, just ever so slightly revisionist view of the Ford succession where he was a cold-hearted scheming genius who played a fool for the public and puppeteered a trusting, kind-hearted Richard Nixon into a series of reputation-destroying scandals so that he could usurp him as president?

You could even totally keep Kevin Spacey, because when has an actor playing a president ever looked even a bit like that president? You're lucky if you get one who even sounds like that president.

0-2 here.

So you've got Gerald Ford giving private asides to the camera now and then about this chapter of Machiavelli's The Prince he read today, and then a reporter walks by and he's all "Whu-uh-whoooa!" and trips over the nearest rug. Later we find out he actually hired Chevy Chase to help perpetuate his image as a hapless oaf.

via Vanity Fair
Edgy comedian or political pawn?

Meanwhile, he's somehow using reverse psychology to manipulate Nixon into recording everything, secretly spraying flop sweat on him at every debate, and promising he'll find out what the DNC is up to over in them Watergate offices and will totally keep the president out of it.

Also he is secretly getting it on with Woodward and Bernstein as he feeds them information. So there you go, writers: There's the threesome you insist on shoehorning into this show. Also, I guess the Deep Throat nickname becomes more appropriate. Oh man, I grossed myself out.

His terrible personal scandal can be the fact that his birth name was Leslie Lynch King Jr. (this is true) and that he changed it to Gerald Ford at about age 3 (also true) because his commanding officer was killed in combat and he stole his identity (not actually true). This will make a great flashback if you can find a good enough 3-year-old actor.

Sure, he's cute, but can he do self-hatred?

So since it's looking like there might be some snags in the way of shooting Season 3 right now, this would probably be a great time for the show to comb through Seasons 1 and 2 in the ol' editing suite and try on these changes for a spin.

I made more of these than I needed for the first section and I mean to use them all.

Netflix execs (and anyone else) can contact Christina on Twitter or Facebook for more helpful suggestions.

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Christina H

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