If you so much as tweet about things that look like dildos in the background of video games, you'll receive mass-mailed public relations bullshit about some new X-Treme gamer fuel and anal lubricant. But those will be two separate products. Because one combined liquid would mean a PR company had actually targeted the right people with a relevant product, instead of mass-mailing thousands of strangers. Understand: Mountain-Dew-flavored sex juice would be a better idea than most modern PR.
They've turned the entire planet of Mars into an exercise in imaginary bullshit. But what if online public relations were honest? Brace yourself for the secrets of the seven worst advertising emails already in your spam folder. For each, I've carefully inserted a real mailing from my own inbox, before revealing the true message.
7The Ridiculously Overexcited
We've got some amazing news, which will blow you out of the water then suck you dry again! Our new product -- the Selfie-Stick-in-a-Sock -- will revolutionize the tech sector footwear market. How else will you keep your feet dry when you accidentally wade into the pool of Narcissus? If Jesus had these, he'd be able to prove he walked on water -- all without moistening His toes!
The personalized podiatry synergy you didn't even know you didn't need!
But that's not all! No one likes the hassle and clutter of actually owning tubes of stinking cloth, so our Selfie-Stick-in-a-Sock is sold as Socks-as-a-Service. Our SSiaSSaaS sounds like a snake hissing as it gazes upon your exposed ankles, every warning sign nature or horror can conceive of. You better do what it says! OBEY!
"Yellow and black stripes, 'AMAZING NEW' in the subject line, same diff."
Even better, we think you're an idiot! We write the words AMAZING and GAME-CHANGING in emails as if they'll shoot straight into your frontal lobes to change your opinion of our product, instead of giving you any reason to actually think those things. That's why we scatter thousands of these emails a minute. We really think you're that dumb! Pickup artists have more respect for women than we do for our targets. Bees have more respect for flowers, and more discriminating work habits. If we were bees, we'd be rubbing our genitals over everything we met, and our current work practices are only slightly less unpleasant!
We're a proactive, synergistic, go-getting, self-starting publicity company. We use adjectives instead of filtering our mailing list. We don't even filter our clients! If we were paid two dollars to mass-mail a sale on Ku Klux Klan baby smocks, we'd do it, because capitalism is the prevailing operating culture! YES, we have learned all these Terran things, like the bee creatures and finance dialect! You like adjectives! Adjectives make you exchange wealth for goods and services!
6YO BRO WHATUP MY HU-MAN?
Does your minor consumer product SUCK? Yeah. Is it your fault? NOT AT ALL. Would you be backing away from anyone who talked like this? YOU'RE DAMNED RIGHT YOU WOULD.
George Doyle/Stockbyte/Getty Images
"THIS IS ACTUALLY MORE PLEASANT AND PERSONALIZED THAN MY MARKETING STRATEGY!"
We've developed a cunning strategy to reduce our audience to the single perfect customer, DUDE! First, we repel most people by, well, being us -- IT WORKS! Then we launch into an aggressive, insulting spiel to drive away some more. Then we just keep going TO THE EX-TREME. Our every interaction with humanity is an exponential decay curve! ALL WILL TOTALLY BE ZERO!
So, BRAH, we punch in and max-i-douche our syn-OH-GEEs by being as tough as possible right out of the gate. EYE OF THE TIGER! It's been so long since we talked to anyone that we've forgotten how! And it's been so long since anyone responded that we have NO positive or negative feedback. So we're trying different tactics at random!
"ARE WE A MEME YET?"
YA SWAG! Hell, we're not even going to promote a product, because this mail got deleted the INSTANT someone saw an alleged media professional try to use a slang word in all-caps, like a nervous laboratory technician carrying a dangerous sample they've just extracted from a teenagers skull. Of course we wouldn't do that, DAWG ... we mean, HU-MAN.