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7 Time-Tested Ways to Deal With Bullies

#3. Spike-Lined Pit

OK, this is better than fire, because it at least shows a certain amount of creativity and panache. People will still think you're messed up, but messed up in a really fun, daring way.

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Though honestly, I've looked into this, and there's just no way to make a pile of loose foliage look inconspicuous in a school hallway.

#2. Living a Good Life

This is traditionally the most effective way to get back at a bully, with the minor caveat that it doesn't "get" the bully in any particular way at all, because he won't hear about the good life you're living, or care if he did.

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"You say Billy Scunthorpe has a lovely wife, two kids, makes $75,000 a year and is thinking of buying a small boat? RAAAAARRGH. THIS FEELING IS SO MUCH WORSE THAN BEING ON FIRE!"

It turns out that one of the side effects of living a good life is that it helps turn you into a psychologically well balanced person who doesn't actually need to get back at the bully, or even think about him at all. In between all that wife-getting and boat-purchase-considering, the fact that you got mocked mercilessly for liking the wrong Pokemon in Grade 4 simply doesn't seem that important anymore.

#1. Living a Good Life, and Then When Everyone Is Impressed by How Well You're Doing, Fire

This works just the same as the previous entry, except that one night, after you've put the children to bed and told your wife not to wait up while you peruse your boat catalog, you slip out the side window of your house and go set your former bully on fire. If after 25 years you're still angry about it, then heck, I guess they deserved it, and really, you're so far past the psychologically well balanced thing that I'd be stupid to stand in your way. Fire ahoy!

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CHARMANDER WAS ALWAYS THE BEST POKEMON, YOU SON OF A BITCH!

The plus side about this technique is that you're way more likely to get away with it 25 years after the fact, because who the fuck could be that crazy? The downside being that you are the fuck that crazy, and will be haunted by ghosts and spells the rest of your days. There is a strong possibility that your good life, and all its many wives and children, are little more than figments of your imagination.

Although on the plus side of that downside, that means you can probably just imagine yourself considering to buy a larger boat.

For more from Bucholz, check out 15 Things I Regret Doing At Your Petting Zoo: An Apology and 29 Observations From the Back of a Line on Black Friday.

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Chris Bucholz

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