7. RapRapping doesn't seem that hard, and it's often enjoyable when it's just being rap. Sometimes it's even awesome like during Hulk Hogan's hit song "I Wanna Be a Hulkamaniac." But you have to be very careful what your agenda is when you're producing a rap song. Is it to tell everyone that you're terrific? Fine. Is it about how you're going to kill the listener and/or fuck them from behind? That's fine too. But don't rap if you're teaching your employees how to grill hamburgers. The only thing that's going to do is get your employees to wonder why your mother thought anal thermometers were pre-natal vitamins.
If you're rapping about furniture savings, fire safety or basically anything other than enjoying the song currently being rapped, I have bad news: everyone just found out you're a goddamn idiot. I'm too sure of this to experiment with it, but I think if you ever rap a weather report, your dick and chest hair take that as a clear message you don't need them anymore. And if you ever write a rap about mattress sales incentive programs, go ahead and also write an email to every woman you want to sleep with about your mouth fungus.
That's not to say it's impossible to get your agenda across when using rap. Ever since I heard this Irish rap song against rape performed by what are clearly rapists, I haven't raped a single thing.
6. ReligionReligion is polarizing and ludicrous, but despite what angsty atheists say, it does more good than harm. Look at the numbers: For every firebombed abortion clinic, there are 126 young Catholic boys getting all the sex they want. By itself, each religion is great at its job. Spirituality gives a species of life smart enough to see its own death coming a reason not to spend all day crying about it. But when you mix religion with anything like music, TV or politics, shit starts to fall apart fast.
When Christians combine contemporary music with their faith, the result is a schizophrenic mess. Every Christian pop song sounds like a foreigner making a video diary to show his gay son that he understands him. Christian TV's idea of a show is spraying a pile of wigs with Aquanet and listening to the mouth in the center of it complain about witchcraft for three hours. Christian anything sucks. If religious inventors created a Christian Toilet, it would ram other people's shit up your ass and they'd only be able to invent it if someone else did first.
This is a good time to tell you that many of the things in this list can double or triple up to create bigger and bigger tragedies. For instance, these children want to spread the hopefully fake message that hugs involve too much genital contact, and they use God, rap and stupid to push their agenda. The video also proves that you can go up to any Christian and ruin three or four things that they love and they'll pay you for it. "Christian Side Hug" ruins rap, it ruins religion and it sort of taints every greeting my grandmother and I gave each other. If that stage full of shouting birth defects is right, does Hallmark even make an apology card for a lifetime of inappropriate genital contact?
5. EducationOf course children need to learn; the problem is that they all hate getting educated. That's when it hits you: Let's trick them into learning with a song or video! Here's where the problems start. First, making songs and videos takes talent, and the reason you majored in Elementary Education is because you thought the word "talent" was spelled with a heart and was maybe a type of dinosaur.
Second, it takes about 30 seconds to teach a child the basics of getting the hell out of a burning building. Spreading your message of fire safety out over a half hour of puppets and musical theater is only going to make children think house fires are what happens when two boy puppets make love.
Also, most kids are smart enough to know when your song is tricking them into learning, and if they're not, they're probably wondering why it's taking so long to find the puppies and candy in this stranger's speeding van. Some educators have tried making educational products for babies, but sticking your baby next to Mozart and flashing shapes isn't going to make it any more special. You'd be better off if you just went around telling all the other babies that they're stupid.
Even though you've already typed this into the comments section because you're the Internet, not all educational material sucks. But for every Schoolhouse Rock song that makes learning fun, there are 5,000 bad singers and writers who think it's OK to be lunatics as long as they're teaching you about divorce, industrial arm removal or special needs sex.
4. FitnessFitness by itself is great for the mind and body. Plus, it's what separates Texans from Mexicans. But when you try to mix it with a second, non-fitness concept, things start to get less healthy. For instance, loving your cat:
There isn't even a word in the animal kingdom for how big a pussy that cat is.
Adding sex appeal to a workout also sounds like a good idea at first, but last week I was at the gym and got a contact rash from just walking by a cardio striptease class. It's one thing to share a dumbbell with a sweaty stranger's hands-- it's another to share a pole with a sweaty stranger's vagina.
And remember when Olestra tried to mix fitness with potato chips? All it did was transform everyone's mouth and asshole into a pipeline for vegetable oil. It was great if you needed to slide down a rope without your arms and legs, but awful for virtually every other occasion.
3. R. KellyR. Kelly is a fine singer. His smash hit "I Believe I Can Fly" inspired millions of yearbook staffs to pick out the perfect class song. But when you let R. Kelly get near anything other than a song, all hell breaks loose. You might remember his serialized musical soap opera Trapped In The Closet. It was a spectacle of madness with no discernible origin point. R. Kelly has the kind of brain that would make a remedial fourth grade teacher laugh when he tries to read, and the most absurd thing he's ever imagined is a midget (a midget, a midget). And yet from that dull and childlike mind sprang forth the most brilliantly absurd works of art in human history. It's like the show Dynasty written and performed by death row inmates. And speaking of, Trapped in the Closet is the last thing the criminally insane see when they're strapped to a lethal injection machine.
Lately, R. Kelly has been obsessed with Real Talk. Real Talk seems to mostly be about different ways to convince your bitch that she's a bitch, but Real Talk is like Alzheimer's Disease. We won't know what Real Talk is for sure until scientists are able to slice directly into R. Kelly's brain tissue.
R. Kelly is so messed up when he's not singing that he can't even be near a teen girl without peeing on it.
All societies live by one simple rule: Calling yourself "extreme" is fine if you're wheeling down some kind of ramp, but if you're just a trail mix or a Cheeto, fuck you. Real Talk.1. SexThere isn't a product or service in the entire world that hasn't at one time been combined with sex. Everything else on this list... bail bonds... farting on pudding... domain name registration... Gobots. When you try to mix sex with every one of your stupid little hobbies, all you do is make the Internet a more disgusting place. Your private parts are wired so that sex shouldn't require a trunk of props to work properly. If you need a bowl of pudding and irritable bowl syndrome to bring yourself to climax, you should stop sleeping with ugly people you hate.
You know when you've had the house to yourself all day and you're trying to masturbate for the sixth time? Even if you're not physically rubbing on a medical emergency, it's still hard to make it happen because you've exhausted your imagination's capacity to care. That's when you have to start digging around in the dark reaches of your brain for a fetish. There's an easy way to self-diagnose how bad this has become. Next time you're watching pornography, count the number of anythings that aren't two people having sex. Now, that's how many times less you should masturbate per day. And when I say "anythings" I mean anythings. So if one of the people doing the sex requires an additional word to describe them such as "elderly" or "peeing," that counts as an anything.
Sex should be sex and everything else shouldn't. If you're so tired of sushi that you have to eat it off a naked woman, try a different restaurant. All you're doing is wasting a naked woman and ruining fish. I'm no economist, but if some poor girl is willing to let you cover her in fish and paw at her, she'll definitely share a pizza with you and screw for $50 and a trait in common with her father.
Maybe the human mind was prepared to deal with the modern ubiquity of sex. Today alone I heard over eight conflicting theories on how to prolong orgasm, and not just from the pudding-covered women I was apologizing to. For instance, we've all heard that you can fight it off by thinking about baseball or something disgusting. Except it never quite works the way it's supposed to, so now you've got a teen pregnancy and a direct psychological link between your orgasms and Cecil Fielder. You do this too many times, and pretty soon you won't be able to get off unless your partner is standing on first base and filled with 35 hot dogs. Real Talk.