7Mummify a Cat
" Who’s an adorable little man? You are! "If you’re a pet lover this may be a tough pill to swallow. After all, very few of us ever think “if that cat pees on my shoe tree again, I’m totally going to mummify him” and that’s probably 70 percent due to the lack of general mummification knowledge that pervades modern society. Still, on more than one episode of Hoarders, a household all decked out in cats has had a crew come in to clean up and lo and behold there’s a veritable cornucopia of decrepit, dusty cat mummies lurking about. And by lurking I mean remaining quite stationary and desiccated. This is what compelling TV is made of.
Like this, only more god awful in ever conceivable wayHave you ever left a cheese sandwich sitting in the fridge for like a week? And it starts to smell vaguely of old-man-at-the-gym groin in a way that makes you grimace every time you open the fridge? Now imagine instead of a cheese sandwich is a dead beast and it’s not kept at 38 F, it’s rotting under your futon. That’s the level of commitment you need to be on Hoarders. You could just leave 1000 boxes of shit all over your house, but really, is that going to make the same kind of impression in anyone’s mind that neglecting an animal until it not only dies but is thoroughly sapped of moisture while it remains in your living area will? No. You need a mummified cat. Feasibility: I don’t have a cat handy, but I do have a two-pound chihuahua named Mojo, and that’s like 2/3s of a mummified cat right there. As near as I can tell, if I want him mummified I either have to wrap him in bandages or pack him in salt or some kind of spice medley, neither of which he will sit still for. I opt to try the first solution.
Pictured: Not a mummy Results: Failure. You can wrap a small dog repeatedly in all manner of things, but he will still use his small, raptor-like legs to claw free. His staunch refusal to be mummified is both admirable and disheartening.
6Bury the Toilet in Feces
You should never do a Google search for "toilet" and "poop."This is a good one because it’s very counter-intuitive. You’d think a nutter with shit issues would just let loose all over the house, and if they were going to use the toilet, then probably they’d at least flush. Oh man, are you ever wrong. Time and again, Hoarders shows us that people are willing to make the effort to climb over towers of unsafe rubble like goblins in that shanty-town in Labyrinth, just to make it to the shitter, and then inexplicably give up once they reach their goal. More than one washroom was caked in layers of used toilet paper and deuce that required dudes in gas masks equipped with shovels to clean out. Can you shit entire shovelfuls on your own bathroom floor? A&E accepts no less.
Next week, Gene Simmons tries to bone her in an episode of Family Jewels.Feasibility: This is another sticky wicket as I don’t live alone. Sure I could start building my own mud kingdom, but it’s going to make my roommates super pissed. Or is it? Results: Failure. I attempted to test the waters by simply not flushing for a few days straight, leading to repeated cries of “who’s the asshole who didn’t flush?” Naturally I refused to take ownership and my efforts got flushed time and again until finally someone entered the room directly after me and caught me in the act. I received a punch in the gut for my troubles and assurances I can be kicked off the lease.